Apparently we’re already working on limb regrowth, ghost soldiers, and mind-controlled guns for our military. Awesome. I have some more ideas, though, for things the military needs to make sure the name of America is only said in hushed whispers:
* An earthquake machine.
* Mind control.
* Tiny robots that seek out human heads and drills into them.
* Giant mutant scorpions.
* Targeted hurricanes.
* Hyper-intelligent squirrel spies.
* Giant laser shooting tripod walkers like from War of the Worlds.
* Liquid terminators.
* Cyborg ninjas.
* Self-aware shotguns.
* A death star.
This is what you need to write your Congressman and tell him to fund instead of the usual crap like studying the flow of ketchup, bridges to nowhere, and schools. If we want peace in this world, its going to take some seriously crazy @#$% to do it.
Dude, you forgot about cloning dinosaurs. How can you forget about cloning dinosaurs?!
Lightsabers.
I suggest we start with something for NObama’s first cabinet member:
This is going to get messy, Chicago Style Politics
Rahm Emanuel, Obama’s First Choice?
God help us!!
Election ’08
2-min. Bio
Rahm Emanuel
By M.J. Stephey & Kate Pickert Thursday, Nov. 06, 2008
On Election Night, 10 minutes after CNN called the House for the Democrats, Emanuel climbed up on a table in DCCC headquarters and addressed his cheering, victory-starved staff, celebrating the party’s biggest win since 1992. He wanted to wrap up the campaign with a message for the Republicans.
“Since my kids are gone, I can say it,” he shouted. “They can go f*** themselves!”
Has been known to send out cheesecakes from Eli’s Bakery in Chicago to campaign donors and the many Democratic candidates he has recruited over the years. Once, when a pollster made him angry, Emanuel sent him a dead fish.
Squirrels are already hyper-intelligent. The trick is going to be getting them to focus on spying instead of gathering nuts.
While we’re at it, we also need to get going on S.M.I.T.E.
Apparently, the terminator things are already in the works….
http://www.newscientist.com/blogs/shortsharpscience/2008/10/packs-of-robots-will-hunt-down.html
How about Liquid Terminator Ninjas with self-aware shotguns?
lightsabers? think BIGGER — how about a lightsaber that is like a swiss army knife, with a bottle cap opener, fingernail clipper, and corkscrew all built in
or
MEGA-SINKHOLES
AN ARMY OF CLONED MONKEYS–WITH BOTH A NONOPPOSABLE THUMB AND AN OPPOSABLE THUMB, INSTEAD OF THAT STUPID RING FINGER THAT SERVES NO PURPOSE (EXCEPT FOR TYPING AND PLAYING THE PIANO)
GORILLA SAMURAIS WITH TAILS THAT CAN THROW GRENADES OR THEY CAN USE TO WIPE THEMSELVES WHILE IN COMBAT–no downtime
EARTH-DE-ATMOSPHERE-IZER
A FREAKIN’ ASTEROID SLING-SHOT!
A THUMB-WHEEL ON MY IPHONE!
A FULL BODY DISPOSIBLE WAXING STRIP WITH MEGA PULLER
GENETICALLY ADDED HUMAN KANGAROO POUCH, with built in gadget charger
A HUMAN SHARK FIN!
* Sentient “green”, or Hippy-friendly looking automobiles that transform into hippy-punching, terrorist roasting robots. More than meets the eye!
Hippy spelling used in honor of Frank
Sharks with frickin’ laser beams on their heads.
Sure, you mock the study of ketchup now, but what will you do if you find yourself trapped in a box canyon with a river of ketchup heading your way? Boy, won’t your face be red then!
I’d like to see the military develop actual man made global warming. It seems to be the only thing the rest of the world fears these days.
Nano-machines that travel as dust in the wind and upon reaching the enemy, disassemble the enemy host on a molecular level, pile the elements according to atomic weight and then reassemble all this atomic stuff into brand new killer robot machines that target hippies, recumbent bicyclists and Prius drivers who compost.
I’m thinking nano-hair clippers. Drop a few billion of these in Islamic waters and the next thing you know all the sinners will be bald and beardless. Behead the sinners!
How about Velociraptors that are trained to attack whenever they smell patcholi?
The best part about “ghost soldiers” is that nobody will ever hold a rally to “bring them home”. Even liberals aren’t crazy enough to like being haunted.
Miniature liberal-finding butt monkeys with large canine teeth. (Okay… I’ll work on it.)
#7: Obviously that’s a good goal to work towards, but we should start with the basics before trying to combine them.
We should work on radical transgenic experiments to create unnatural monstrosities from ordinary plants and animals. We could breed dogs to possess the night vision and climbing ability of geckos. Spidercats. Octopus-monkeys. We could combine humans with cabbage so that we not only have a huge army of slaves who can photosynthesize rather than have to eat all the time, but they’d also go good with a bit of slaw dressing and you can dismiss any moral objections by pointing out that it’s perfectly vegetarian.
A bomb that turns enemies into flaming homosexuals! Oh, wait, that project was canceled. *Wink* *Wink*
Tesla coils that run on methane, affixed to camel saddles, ready to ship to the Middle East.
Remeber how Superman could save the world by just blowing the giant asteroid back into outerspace before it wrecks Earth? We need something like that. A wind-accelerator machine. You just blow into it and it creates hurricane level winds. Then we could literally blow people away.
Hyper-intelligent squirrels? You mean like ones that can make up their freakin’ minds about which side of the road to run to when you are about to run them over in your car? Sorry, but I’m not buying this one. No matter how intelligent the squirrels are, all the enemy has to do is show up with a bag of acorns (and think about it — they already have a huge group called ACORN!) and it’s all over. Those squirrels would cave faster than a French resistance fighter.
Speaking of light-sabre wielding dinasaurs, over at NRO, K-Lo put something out that’s right up IMAO reader’s alley:
Fred Bleg [Kathryn Jean Lopez]
Feeling a little like I should channel Tim Russert, I am interviewing Fred Thompson on the cruise Sunday morning. Anything you have been anxious to ask him? I’ll let you know the answer if your question is asked on the cruise. And no doubt tempt you to join our next one this summer . . .
My question, obviously, will be, “When will you change the official spelling to dinasaurs.
I personally would like to see a Transformer Tank that can transform into a fax machine or something.
How about a gun that shoots a river of bacon fat?
I once had an idea for a team of grizzly bears carrying dual flame throwers.
An army of giant mutant mosquitoes infected with AIDS. Not only will we get rid of the terrorists but also those stinkin’ camels they love so much.
We should also enlist the help of the Morlocks in our new world order.
Another good idea would be to develop a a drug to put into the marijuana supply that makes useless people get jobs. That would solve like 2 problems in one.
Our military could also train rottweilers to attack anyone wearing a specific color and post them wherever Code Pink is assembling.
If we could create just one zombie and then drop him off in downtown Riyadh, within a week, most of our military problems would be solved. Then, we can just nuke the remnants and everyone wins. Well, not the terrorists but you know what I mean.
– Mecca-seeking asteroids
– Wet cats with parachutes that could be launched like the head-crabs from HalfLife2
– The Head-crabs from Half-Life2
– For that matter, the Trigens from FarCry.
– A bullet-proof hampster ball for people
– A riot control weapon for intafadas in Israel that launches glue-coated pink feather boas.
(Hard to look like a “heroic resistance fighter” when you look like you just got mugged by Elton John on meth.)
– Pred-alien (good game, even if AVP2 was a crappy movie)
– Pred-alien piloting a battlemech that shoots pink feather boas that make you look gay before they go nuclear
– Send the queer eye guys to Abu Graab along with all the terrorists at Gitmo. Eventually, Abu will be Graabing his ankles so Achmed can git mo tail. But at least everyone will shave.
– A nuke wrapped in pork. Works on both terrorists and vegans.
– Going back to the hippie punching car, maybe just a Prius that fires the airbag when someone says something rude about conservatives and/or Christians.
– a land mine that goes off if it detects silk and male butt sweat in proximity to each other.
I’m thinking that maybe we don’t need extraordinary weapons to fight our domestic battles. Maybe all we need is the legalization of punching hippies in the face.
Here in Massachusetts we just passed an initiative to de-criminilize possession of small amounts of marijuana. Why can’t we decriminalize punching hippies in the face — in small amounts, of course. Say, no more than 2 or 3 punches in one session.
I’d settle for a simple time travel machine. Me wants to go back a couple hundred years to visit with my heroes – when men were men, guns were part of everyday attire, and punching hippies was encouraged and rewarded.
ILoveMyFreedoms, I live in an Open Carry state. I should work on bringing back the Pistol and everyday casual wear. Got a great black paddle holster that would work. Black goes with everything after all.
Pistol AS everyday casual wear. Man, I need to proofread better.
Porcupines with flame throwers is an obvious one. Didn’t G’ Dub already take care of targeted hurricanes with Katrina?
DesertElephant, I’m diggin’ the casualwear with a stylish live-ammo accessory. I live in a commie city with a commie mayor and commie communities that launched the coming commie comman- , cough, command- , cough, I just can’t say it: well, commie-in-chief. Concealed carry is forboten as is even keeping a gun in the home.
Sadly, I was never very good at obeying that which makes no sense.
While a lot of these seem like great fun, it’s probably worth noting that everyone who had this kind of stuff in movies ended up losing. So I’m thinking we just need to find the right whiny teenager or twentysomething to challenge Obama to single combat.
Advanced interrogation techniques:
1. Hypnotize bad guy so that he thinks female interrogator is actually his girlfriend.
2. Take bad guy and put them in a room with only one entrance, a love seat, and a TV that can only show Lifetime.
3. Put bad guy in room with “girlfriend” and have her sit as far away on the love seat as she can with her arms folded and her chin down to her chest.
4. Eventually he will ask, “What’s the matter?”
5. She replies, “Nothing!”
6. Repeat 4 and 5 about a dozen times until he finally blurts…”Look! Whatever it was, I’m sorry! Really! What can I do to make it up?”
7. “Welllllll. You could tell me about all those guys you used to hang around with back in Afghanistan…
Frank. We already gots all that stuff.
ok, how about……
DOUBLE BLADED LIGHTSABRES!!!!! RED double bladed lightsabres. then we make sure the entire world watches Episode I, but we conveniently leave off the part where Darth Maul dies.
Then they will see our army of soldiers with red double bladed lightsabres and remember the creepy guy with the weird face and run.
Really pretty girls whose cha cha’s shoot warheads.
Bush figured out how to control hurricanes…remember Katrina?
We need to get that technology from Bush so we can covertly attack Liberal cities and then blame it on Obama.
How about bongs made of plastic explosives. Light ’em up and you’ll be high for eternity. We could distribute them around California, Oregon, and Vermont.
I have it on good authority that the us actually possesses a machine that can cause a polar shift. We just need to let the rest of the world know that they should stay in line unless they like tidal waves and having to remake maps.
i like the deathstar idea. i claim dibs on being vader!
I am already developing the perfect weapon: a small child. I have four prototypes. They work together as a team. The oldest one makes the sandwiches, so the unit is self-sustaining. The next one down is the heaviest so he jumps on stuff. The little ones pinch and bite. When not pinching and biting, they will interrogate you with such ferocity that when they’re done with you, you’ll admit to anything just to get them to shut up. The younger ones say “Why?” … “Why?” … “Why?” … and the older ones say “Wait, don’t you think there will be unintended consequences to that policy?” and “Does God poop? and if so, what are meteors?”
I plan on turning them loose on any terrorists or hippies that move into our neighborhood.
Controlling hurricanes is easy. Just get one of the ultrasecret weather control supercomputers from Halliburton like Bush did. They even come disguised as an oval office desk.
Precision-guided steel I-beams dropped from low Earth orbit.
Testicle homing smart munitions that can pick out a cowardly terrorist b*st*rd, no matter how many women and children he tries to hide behind. They’ll have to emasculate themselves or surrender.
Nice list, but the squirrel thing has to go. Read your Dave Barry, man! Any empowerment of those homicidal rodents is rank foolishness and will eventually come around to bite us in the nuts.
I like the mind control stuff. Like we drop leaflets all over the ME that have the same effect of what they did to the guy in A Clockwork Orange by propping his eyelids open and making him watch Hitler.
Then whenever one of these barbarians even thinks about killing an Infidel, he pukes his brains out, then pukes some more, like Gary in Team America, finally collapsing, totally spent into a giant lake of puke, where he drowns.
I believe a force of mind-controling, duel-lightsaber wielding race of hyper-intelligent flying squirrels would be a force to be reckoned with. Imagine your typical terrorist…now imagine him screaming in terror as ferocious flying squirrels with lightsabers attach to his face….
Quite beautiful, isn’t it?
Assault Rifle limb replacement. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1077258/
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