If you thought I got less funny when I got married, just wait until I’m a dad.

When I first came up with my IMAO T-Shirt Babe contest scam to see if I had any attractive readers, who knew it would pay such dividends. I’m such a genius.

Due date is October 8th.

BTW, for those of you who think Twitter is gay, they were first to find out the results of my non-gayness, so there.

A poll shows that U.S. residents are losing faith in the American Dream. That’s horrible. The American Dream is what motivates us to do better and keep our country awesome.

Now, people tend to have different ideas of what the American Dream is, but there are usually a lot of similar themes. Here’s what the American Dream is to me:

I live in a giant house made of plastic and titanium and own a hovercraft. Patrolling the streets are tyrannosaurus rexes who are genetically engineered to be courteous and eat criminals. Hippies have long been extinct, and it’s illegal to talk about them. I have a basement full of guns and robot parts. We have world peace since we’ve destroyed or conquered all other countries. We’ve made contact with our first alien species and become friends with them: The Thundercats. There is no more shouting about politics on TV because all disputes are settled with a kung fu fight at dawn. Racism is a thing of the past, since we’ve all been dyed purple (except for me since I already wasn’t racist). After a long day at work patrolling space for rogue asteroids, I can relax with my wife and cyborg children and watch ape boxing. And there is true freedom for all… except when people do something I don’t like, since I’m emperor.

So what’s the American Dream to you?

$130 million movie on how the Iraq War is bad? How was that not a good investment?

With all the debate on Iraq, I guess people aren’t really clamoring to pay for more input from movie actors and directors.

Did punk kids in the fifties wear their fedoras sideways?

I’m sure Green Zone will make up the money in merchandising, like the McDonald’s Happy Meals tie-ins.

Live free or die. If you don’t want to live free, do everyone a favor and please die.

I am just so sick and tired of hearing about health care reform. It seems like we’ve been having the exact same headlines for about a year now. Democrats are always on the verge of having enough votes and Obama is always making his final push for it. It’s like we’re stuck in some Star Trek-type anomaly. I’m actually looking forward to them pushing amnesty just to have something new to complain about.

I can’t take it anymore! Just pass it or don’t pass it! But for all that’s good and holy, STOP TALKING ABOUT IT!

John Hawkins has an interview with Karl Rove at Right Wing News. Read to find out what Karl Rove does with all the souls he collects, how Obama was actually his idea and how things are going perfectly to his master plan, and how he will soon have so much dark power that he will be unstoppable.

American Digest picked up on a quote I said in response to a commenter:

Conservatives tend to treat as hobbies what liberals treat as occupations.

They seemed to take this as a warning, as if conservatives don’t take politics seriously enough, but that wasn’t my point.

When society is just starting out, you don’t usually have career musicians or artists or actors. These are things people may do in their spare time after their actual work but aren’t careers. As society develops, people can actually do these things as full time jobs, but the people who tend to do that seem to be liberals.

The thing is, people need jobs. We just can’t be mentally well without something useful to do. Now, it’s possible to treat art type stuff as a job, but many see it more as a calling than an occupation. And thus a lot of the activism to feel useful and the odd sights like Sean Penn, who is basically a dancing monkey, getting some big ego and thinking he’s better than the useful people he pretends to be in his movies.

Also, the idea of art is to express some truth, but what truths do career artists know other than things to do with being an artist? I wonder if art suffers in a way by not being something people with regular lives do.

My new Pajamas Media column is up.

Cross-Posted at America is an Obamanation!