We may not have adequate border patrol, but luckily the Mexican government is on the ball. They found a man trying to smuggle eighteen monkeys in a belt around his waist. That’s like a bomb belt for a suicide bomber, but instead of a bomb it’s monkeys! Think of what would happen if you were on a bus and a guy stood up and opened his jacket to reveal a belt of monkeys and then he released them all over the bus! I’d be like, “Why am I on a bus?! I own a car!”
If the Mexican government weren’t able to stop people like this, that country could soon be overflowing with illegal monkeys — the worst kind of monkeys. Then if we found some illegal Mexicans in America, they’d be like, “Don’t send me back to Mexico! It’s full of monkeys!” And then we’d sort of have to give him asylum… in Canada.
I’d rather have a monkey on my back than a monkey in my pants, but then again, I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
A-ha, a-ha! You make funny! I to appreciate brog because it make me raff! ha ha ha ha.
I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy!
I can only imagine what Scary Evil Monkey thinks of this, Frank! Horrors! (Or maybe future allies?) Dunno. Where is that bloody monkey, anyway?
Thank God those monkeys didn’t go off and the mission failed.
He beat Bruce Willis’ score.
It’s all a plot by liberals to make us use public transportation. They spent months on Daily Kos planning this. They even hired burly guys to stand outside Kos headquarters, keeping out “da jooos”.
And after months and months of planning, they came up with monkeys. Brilliant.
Like instead of a Money Belt it was a Monkey Belt?
HAH! I CANNOT be the first person to think of that! I slay me…
Ok, but seriously, what if they were those AK47-toting terrorist monkeys that the Taliban has been training?
I don’t see how a monkey that could fit in a belt could be big enough to hold a machine gun, but maybe they are stronger than they look.
At least he didn’t try to wrap them in condoms and swallow them. Remember ‘Alien’?
Jimmy and I were brothers.
We went down different paths.
Jimmy always listened to my mother,
And me, I never like to take a bath.
As we grew and tumbled through adulthood
The pressure caused emotional drain.
So now I’m slowly dying in the bottle
and Jimmy has to live with half a brain.
Yes, me, I’ve got a bottle in front of me,
And Jimmy has a frontal lobotomy.
Just different ways to kill the pain the same.
But I’d rather have a bottle in front of me,
Than have to have a frontal lobotomy.
I might be drunk, but at least I’m not insane.
Jimmy let his troubles drive him crazy.
He never tried to drown it in a drink.
I know that drinking makes my thinking hazy,
But at least I still have brains enough to think.
Jimmy’s got a brain that isn’t stable.
He doesn’t have the sense to say his name.
I’m sorry that his doctor was unable
To remove the proper portion of his brain.
Yes, me, I’ve got a bottle in front of me,
And Jimmy has a frontal lobotomy.
Just different ways to kill the pain the same.
But I’d rather have a bottle in front of me,
Than have to have a frontal lobotomy.
I might be drunk, but at least I’m not insane.
Funny how the world works.
People can be real jerks.
Some prefer the tension over booze.
Either way it ends the same.
Hard to beat the living game.
Might as well enjoy it while you lose.
When I need a drink I start to shiver
And Jimmy always viewed it with concern.
But I’d rather have cirrhosis of the liver
Than an intellect that’s second to a fern.
I wonder if old Jimmy’s gonna hear it
When I tell him that his logic wasn’t sound.
They’ll dose him up on lots of evil spirits
When they take him to the psychiatric grounds.
Yes, me, I’ve got a bottle in front of me,
And Jimmy has a frontal lobotomy.
Just different ways to kill the pain the same.
But I’d rather have a bottle in front of me,
Than have to have a frontal lobotomy.
I might be drunk, but at least I’m not insane.
– Randy Hanzlick
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wr-kn0JG5p4
I’m suprised Biden and Napalatnomisio aren’t taking credit for stopping another terrorist attack. See, it all worked out fine.
This monkey attack belt is insidious. I’ll bet those monkeys had concealed dungs ready to draw on command.
The real danger awaits: large monkeys crossing the border wearing diapers containing Mexicans.
Hey, stop picking on Canada. We’ll take the monkeys though. I’ll bet we can teach them to use tiny little shovels to get the snow out of the eavestroughing. They’d look so cute with their little shovels, little baby sealskin coats, sealskin boots and hats made from the scalps of progressives.
Hey, I’ve got that frontal lobotomy song on a CD…
Who punched the monkeys? Were the monkeys discovered when someone (I suspect Frank J by proxy) tried to punch them? Can the monkeys fly? There sure seem to be a lot of loose ends in this story.
Oh, and Joe Biden said of the capture, “It’s a little bit of a big %@#$ing deal.”
I’ll bet those Mexican monkeys will be glad to fling the poo that no American monkeys would