Archive of entries posted on 12th July 2010

Scientists Say

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In this ABC News story, it talks about “scientists” opposing Governor Jindal’s plan to deal with the oil spill. It never mentions who these scientists are or where they come from, because I guess it doesn’t matter because all you need to know is they’re scientists and thus right because they use Science!

Which gets me thinking: I’m a scientist. Well, I have a bachelors in science. And I like to study stuff like the science of humor. So I’m a scientist. That means that when you quote me, you shouldn’t say that, “Frank J. says…” You should say, “Scientists say…” So here are some new scientifical statements:

Scientists say that more funding and research needs to be devoted to dinosaurs with rocket launchers on them and space lasers.

Scientists say that lab tests on monkeys aren’t quite cruel enough yet.

Scientists say the best strategy for the president during a crisis is to accidentally lock himself in a trunk so he’ll stay out of the way of anyone who actually knows how to do something useful.

Scientists say we’re almost out of Doritos and should get more.

Scientists say that Super Mario Galaxy 2 is a really fun game.

Scientists say that SarahK should get up and get her own water instead of having her husband do it after he’s already sat down for dinner.

Scientists say that the cat should stop clawing people while they write or it’s going to get popped in the face.

Scientists say, “Buy my t-shirts.”

Remember, you can’t question any of this, because I… wield… Science!

Next Time, Have a Strategy

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I think one of the biggest problems with the oil spill is there didn’t seem to be like a strategy or anything. It’s as if no one thought maybe one of these things could fail and thus we might need a method to stop the oil from leaking into the ocean. Maybe BP was like expecting the federal government to do something if that happened, but it’s pretty unfair to expect Obama to know how to do anything.

Also, has anyone communicated to the federal government or BP that an oil leak is the sort of thing people expect to be handled quickly. It’s not something where you can be like, “What should we do about the oil leak?” “I dunno.” “Well, what’s on TV?” And then like months later be like, “Oh man; maybe we should have done something about that oil leak.”

So, in the future, if there is like an oil leak in the ocean, there should be like a strategy to do something about it, and someone should do it quickly. But that’s just my opinion, and I don’t have a Nobel Prize in physics like Obama’s advisor who I guess told Obama, “Try and go on TV and give a speech and see if that does anything.”

Strategies for Obama to Not Lose the House

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Now even the White House is admitting that the Democrats could lose the House this November. But don’t worry; Obama has some new strategies to help the Democrats keep power this fall.

NEW STRATEGIES FOR OBAMA

* More whining.

* More blaming Bush.

* Break downing crying, saying, “Why does nobody like me?!”

* Blame more problems on that people can’t take that his middle name is “Hussein.”

* Maybe possibly consider doing something useful about the oil spill.

* Promise to put a bag over Pelosi’s head if they can keep the majority.

* Sue more states that show him up by actually doing something useful.

* Appoint the New Black Panthers as official poll security.

* Remind people that they should move forward and not backwards towards when everyone had more money.

* Continue to remind the American people how much smarter he thinks he is.

Random Thoughts

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I’m trying to teach my dad that worthwhile information never comes in the form of an e-mail forward.

Q. What’s the opposite of anti-matter?
A. Uncle-matter.

Totally forgot that Friday was my 8th blogiversary. That’s a lot of crap I wrote.

Watching Cheers on DVD. Holds up pretty well except for all the talk about getting horses reshoed.

I finally translated the Obamacare bill: It’s a cookbook!

The New Black Panther Party are the defacto leaders of the Democrat Party. Pass it on.

AlaBAMA is a state in the U.S. where the president is oBAMA. What’s your mnemonic for not getting him mixed up with Osama?

So are we as a society over getting hung up on race yet? No? I’ll check again tomorrow.

Shabazz: “Kill every ‘cracker’!! You know what you doing. Kill ‘cracker’. For great freedom.”

That Mel Gibson tape really does make the Alec Baldwin tirade sound endearing in comparison.

This might seem like the end of Mel Gibson, but remember that in Hollywood not even a rape conviction is a career-killer.

I hope it’s soon discovered that vuvuzelas cause mouth cancer.

From my reading of “To Kill a Mockingbird”, I’m still pretty sure Boo Bradley was the real killer.

I forget; was “To Kill a Mockingbird” written by John Grisham or Tom Clancy?

I think the worst of the series was “To Kill a Mockingbird 4: Mockingbird in Space.”