Saw Eclipse over the weekend. SarahK loved it. For me, it was… brutal.
Remember when vampires and werewolves used to be cool? They were vicious supernatural creatures always attack people and each other, but now they just sit around and sparkle and talk about their feelings. Why did women have to do that to them? And why did we let them? What if women go after more of our cool stuff and do things like a remake of Die Hard called Has Feelings Hard? It’s like there’s a movement out there that won’t rest until everything is pale and effeminate.
It really does seem like our society is reaching its end, isn’t it? Economy is collapsing. Threats emerging everywhere. Oil spilling into the oceans unabated. Sparkly vampires.
“What if women go after more of our cool stuff and do things like a remake of Die Hard called Has Feelings Hard? It’s like there’s a movement out there that won’t rest until everything is pale and effeminate.”
I didn’t mind them doing that to vampires, after all, vampires suck. I guess they wanted to make vampires appealing to teeny boppers, who generally have the IQ of a tadpole.
But if they mess with The Godfather, there will be hell to pay. I bet they would replace the horse head in the bed with a thank you card, another thing women are obsessed with. And instead of “Paulie? You won’t see him no more” and “Leave the gun, take the canoli”, you’ll hear “Paulie? he’s taking a long sabathical to get in touch with his inner child” and “Why would you leave the gun unattended? What if some kid finds it?”
Clearly, women don’t understand manly gangster movies.
I imagine the werewolves spend a considerable amount of time discussing haircare products.
Don’t blame all women. Here is one that watched Top Gun and kept wondering, “When’s he getting back in the plane?!”
Oh, lighten up.
My favorite part was when Chompy Bloodbathory and Rainbow Fangs put their heads and fashion accessories together to devise a clever way to help Barky Bark Wolfie Bark understand that they hadn’t forgotten to invite him to the Big Sparkle Party, but that, in fact, the invitation had been lost in the Butterfly Mail by none other than the loveable but forgetful Sweet Whistleberry Thoraxgush!
I won’t spoil it for those who haven’t seen it yet, but I can safely say I never would have figured out how they were going to implement the secret ingredient of “cooperation” in such an ingenious way!
The sparkly reboot. Kinda the opposite of the gritty reboot.
I’m picturing the Hulk asking “do I look fat in these pants”.
Godzilla on a crying jag.
Conan the massage therapist.
Okay, disadvantaged youth. Did I use six hair curlers, or only five?… Not so clean Daniel
I am highly disturbed about that gentleman’s civil due process…..Not so clean Daniel
We shall give that gentle loving child of flower a hug to his effeminate body……….Francis Fleming
Friday the 13th – Jason gets reconstructive surgery and starts a new life
Rocky’s Inner Child
LOTR – Fellowship of the Ring – More than just friends
Star Wars – wait… that movie is already totally gay.
Remember when vampires and werewolves used to be cool?
They were never cool.
And why are we discussing temperature today, of all days?
You took Princess Buttercup to see that movie???
I want to see a new vampire movie where vampires are all bad-ass and totally evil. None of this “some vampires are good and cuddly” crap – they’re all evil, scary, blood sucking, hellish fiends. The good guys can only win through manly might, and excessive firepower.
That would be a vampire movie worth watching.
All vampire:werewolf movies shall henceforth be compared to the Underworld series. Darkness. No shiny. Shiny gets you dead.
Kate Beckinsale… Damn!
IMAO 2.0 Home of “Hug the Moon” and “Unicorns Mounted with Candy Launchers”.
~Ernie Loco,
Best Vampire-ish movie like what you described could be 30 Days of Night
no sparkly – very dark
got kinda mushy at end, but oh well. Not much blood sucking, mostly tearing and ripping of flesh and beheading, mmmm
Mr. T would say “I pity the mentally challenged!”
Brigadier General Anthony C. McAuliffe would say “Pistachios?”
At least we still have zombies.
In their Hell, the people responsible for those movies will be bitch-slapped all day by Bela Lugosi.
It’ll be his personal heaven.
And I made the BIG mistake of letting my wife pick up the fireworks. Epic fail. Last time she does THAT. Not a single thing was remotely illegal or dangerous or capble of making rottweillers go sterile from fear. Nope, last time she does that. Women!
“Who forgot to bring the beer? Are we just supposed to stand around and talk about our feeeeeelings.” – Hank Hill
Ernie Loco is on the money. Feelings? Vampires? BITE ME!
Animal Mother: Looks like you’re fresh out of friends. Come sit with me. I’ll start the tea and we can get to know each other better.”
Joker: (tears welling up in his eyes)…thanks. I mean it…thank you.
Dying Sniper: (whispering) Wait. I think I’m getting better.
Marines: Yay!
Joker: Look! A whole bunch of puppies!
I’m a girl, and I totally agree. Sparkly vampires are stupid.
Twilight is so popular with teens
because it touches teens,
apparently,about their teenaged
angst over the huge teenage
decisions of life according to Stephanie Meyer:
necrophilia vs. beastiality
PS Even Al Quaida is obsessed with Twilight.
But at least we have Nic Cage as an American action hero.
Be still, my beating heart.
A vampire and a werewolf fighting over a homely girl who is constantly depressed because she is bored with her life…despite the fact that she hangs out with vampires and dudes that turn into giant wolves…WTF?
This girl I’m half-dating made me choose between Team Edward and Team Jacob. It was the most painful moment of my life.
#26, I see two problems. One, your name can be shortened to a Keanu Reeves character’s name.
Two, you must remove this girl and replace her with a dog or even a cat. A dog will force you to choose between Team Busy Bone and Team Pig’s Ear. A cat doesn’t want your opinion.
Pour yourself three fingers of single malt and re-read Monster Hunter International.
Um, you have read MHI haven’t you?
im waiting for “duke nukem: forever after”
the canned series brought back to life in a new, more sensitive way:
“It’s time to talk about my girly feelings and chew bubble gum… and I’m all outta gum.”
oh yea, a new kind of badass.
Beserker vampire nazis!
I’m glad The Duke isn’t around to see this. They would probably try to put him in some sissy Western where he talks about his feelings and never takes out his six shooter!
Or Clint Eastwood could become a gay male escort struggling with his true inner gender identity…
One reason the vicious vampires were cool is because they were quite obviously bad guys which almost always got obliterated in the end. What’s the point of a vampire movie if after the stake is inserted, you don’t get to see the vampire transform into a human shaped cigar ash and then blow away in the breeze?
Alien vs Predator Dance off.
The Bourne Recipe
Bubba Hotep II: Zombie hugs and belly rubs.
King Kong in the city
Twelve short years ago, I took my 1st in utero princess to a Metallica concert (Upper Bowl as a precaution). Frank, you must act immediately to thwart the long-term affects of your Princess’s exposure to sparkly vampires!
All jokes aside, this post is something to think about. Things aren’t so cut and dried anymore. Evil used to be evil and good was good. Now, not so much… and if we’ve come this far in just a relativly few short years, where will we be in just a very few more? Batman in prison for brutality… And Superman and his w-ray vision… too intrusive? Invasion of privacy? Certainly Captain America would be too offensive to our neighbors over the border to show himself in public!
“It is hard to be sure of anything among so many marvels. The world is all grown strange… How shall a man judge what to do in such times?”
“As he ever has judged,” said Aragorn. “Good and ill have not changed since yesteryear; nor are they one thing among Elves and Dwarves and another among Men. It is a man’s part to discern them, as much in the Golden Wood as in his own house.”
JRR Tolkien, LOTR, The Two Towers
I have tried to watch the second movie. I really did. The first movie my daughters and daughter in law practically tied me to the recliner to get me to watch it. This time I was ready for them, I rented the second movie on my own. I just couldn’t watch it. I just can’t stand that chick. Why either of those boys would want to be around such a whiny, irritating, immature, illogical, diva is a mystery to me. They keep trying to protect her but she just goes on out there and stands in the middle of the world and screams ” Okay bad guys, here I am, come get me.”
She makes my teeth hurt.
As a female, lover of weaponry, video games, and a vast vampire fiction library I can state that I absolutely cannot stand Ms Meyer or her writing. I made it to page 150 of book 1…it took me 8 months. No I’m not that slow of a reader or that slow in general. I just couldn’t stand reading her drivel. THE WORST book I’ve read in my life. Boring as hell. I can’t imagine the movies being any better given ‘artistic license & crap’ plus the femmy movement applied just makes me wanna scream.
Seanmahair I’m w/you – she’s an idiot…pure & simple. Heck the chick was interviewed after the 1st movie hit it big and was quoted as saying “I didn’t want to be famous.” then why the **** did you audition for the lead female role in a movie series based on books that were already popular? Oh that’s right you’re a flaming retard. Got it.
Also seanmahair have you sought counseling for the trauma of having been tortured via the first movie courtesy of family & their cohorts??
as an aside a huge twit-light fan friend of mine asked for suggestions of other books she might like…I gave her a couple to read…shortly after book 2 came out. The author Laurell K Hamilton – the series??- Anita Blake. – For those unfamiliar it reads like porn. Well written, entertaining porn, and there are vampires, were-animals (not just wolves), a woman sleeping with around 10 men on average regularly by the midpoint of the series and many many more now that the series is 18 books old…My friend was ‘utterly grossed out’ by the whole ‘she’s with a vampire and a shape shifter in the same scene’…*blink…blink…blinkblink* I didn’t bother to try & explain that the confused adolescent bimbo in twitlight is pretty much the same thing its just not about sex its about sparkling in sunlight…I think