SAN FRANCISCO (AP) – Breaking with the tradition of numbering its new device releases, Apple has christened its latest version of the iPad the “iBama,” hoping to tie its launch to the enthusiasm and optimism of the President’s reelection campaign.
Apple CEO Tim Cook bubbled with excitement as he described some of the new features of his company’s product.
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“The display is awesome,” he said, “the iBama comes alive with millions of diverse colors, because – thanks to our diligent efforts – it now has the most transparent screen ever.”
“We’ve also made the screen stronger. Unlike other Apple products, the iBama will be able to fall up to 30 millimeters with only minor shattering, as long as it lands on something soft, like a pillow or a particularly fluffy Pomeranian.”
Cook said people would be especially passionate about the upgrade to 4G wireless capability, and guaranteed users would get “a thrill going up their leg.”
“No more dropped connections, no more stuttering video,” Cook effervesced. “You’ll get strong clear, reception anywhere you travel, whether it’s Martha’s Vineyard, Vail, Hawaii, Spain, Rio, or even your local Ray’s Hell Burger.”
Although currently only available for pre-order, with a scheduled release date of March 16th, the iBama is already garnering positive attention world-wide. The clean, articulate device was recently listed among the 231 nominees under consideration by the 2012 Nobel Peace Prize jury. Cook was guardedly hopeful of getting the nod.
“Even though the iBama is barely out of the gate and hasn’t ACTUALLY accomplished anything yet,” said Cook,” it’s a heavy favorite to win. It has star power, name recognition, and just by its very existence in a country with a sad history of violent keyboardism, it offers the world the promise of a better, more peaceful tomorrow.”
Although some documentation, such as its original, long-form Certificate of Authenticity and the test results from various universities’ performance evaluations, will not be included with the iBama, Mr. Cook airily dismissed concerns over the omission. He emphasized that the wondrous device should be “judged on performance, not rumors,” and reminded potential buyers they should instead focus on “the many positive reviews it’s received from all the major news networks, give or take one.”
He also noted that “people need to accept that its eco-friendly all-electric design really is the future of computing in America, despite some in the right-wing media having exaggerated the tendency of its batteries to burst into flame.”
What not solar or wind turbine powered? And where is the tax break I get for purchasing one? Does it come with a Government mandate (I prefer a womandate however)? Too many questions left unanswered I’ll wait for the next one to get all the bugs worked out.
As long as these devices are operated by electric power, they will be susceptible to Electro-Magnetic Pulses from sunspots and nuclear explosions. Our Scientists! would be well advised to utilize direct coal power for their systems. But then, I am still holding out for a puppy powered Osterizer.
The iBama tablet: It advertises certain features, but once you buy it it just does whatever it wants anyway (see Commerce Clause in instructional manual).
It should come with a few apps pre-loaded. I can only think of a couple right now. (have never even touched a real touch-screen computer or iPhone)
Angry Bitter Clingers
Words with Fiends — excellent ice-breaker to kick off negotiations with “not necessarily” enemies.
See, Harvey jokes but right now Frank J is in a cold sweat trying to resist standing in line for the next i-anything.
And, it can be used as a makeshift Teleprompter!!
However, one has to put up with two permanent strips of advertising with a screen background depicting the President holding an iBama: one for Apple and one for President Obama. Talk about doubly narcissistic!!
Will the March 16 launch be located in Bill Ayers’ living room?
I see they already make an i-Prompter app. This one should have a mememememePrompter.
Maybe a “Keep Me Occupied” app for the angry loons.
Don’t forget the “Truth Team” snitch button — if you hear anything critical of Dear Leader, a goon squad will immediately be dispatched to your location to set the record straight, and any “deniers” will be pummeled unconscious with hardcover copies of either “Dreams from My Father” or “An Inconvenient Truth,” depending on the issue in question.
And if anyone calls you names because you happen to do something like publicly imply that you buy condoms by the boxcar load, the iCan’tStandTheHeat button will generate a personalized message of encouragement from the virtual iPresident.
Plus, it comes with your choice of a burning flag or Constitution shredder screen saver.
Cost: Your fair share, on an installment plan. The iBeBroke app lets you borrow the money just to pay the interest on the money you borrowed.
Shouldn’t it be the iSuck?
iDon’tcare.
Spon, I believe it should be iBlameBush