There’s a new pope! Pope Francis (that’s my name!). And he promises to lighten up.
Anyway, in a bid to stay relevant, I’ve decided to write some pope jokes.
POPE JOKES
Q. How many popes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Hopefully only one as there is only one pope at a time. If there is a second, he’s the antipope, and he is unlikely to work with the pope on household chores.Q. Why did the pope cross the road?
A. Because on the other side was the Sistine Chapel, the best know chapel in the Apostolic Palace, the official residence of the Pope.The pope walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, “I’m going to leave as I’m the pope and people shouldn’t be seeing me at a bar.”
Nailed it!
Does anybody know which St Francis he names himself after?
So far I’ve seen people positively declare he named himself after each of them.
That’s the joke. Most of the blow-dried, teleprompter readers don’t even know there are two (Hey Shep!).
Interesting, I did not know your name was “Pope”.
Francis was scheduled to say his first mass as Pope. Unexpectedly, he entered from the narthex and walked down the center of the nave to the altar carrying his crozier. One priest turned to another and said “I prefer the customary entrance – from apse.” The other priest nodded and agreed, “It’s better than a pope in the aisle with a stick.”
It wasn’t three hours after Francis’ election that Yahoo News wrote an insulting article about his first tweet being in all caps (as if he sent it personally). The joke here is Yahoo News. Long Live Pope Francis!!!
Q. How many popes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Just one. Pope Francis changes his own bulbs, cooks his own meals, and generally is squared away with sharp corners.
(Despite having only one lung.)
Pope Francis walks into a bar and orders a beer. “That’ll be ten dollars,” says the bartender. The Pope reaches in his pocket, pulls out a ten dollar bill, and pays the bartender. “You know,” says the bartender, trying to make conversation, “We don’t get many Popes in here.” Replies the Pope…”And at these prices you aren’t going to get many more.”
pope is walking down the street when a lady walks up and says, “how ’bout a quickie. ten bucks”
the confused pope walks away. later he walks up to the mother superior and says,”what’s a quickie?”
she replies, “ten bucks, same as in town'”
You mean, your name is “Francis?” I’m shocked, shocked.
Okay, now you’ve got to divulge your middle name.
I’m thinking “James.”
So, I guess his favorite team must be The Cardinals….
[For your enjoyment, a pope joke I first heard way back in late September 1978 when the white hats seemed to be dropping like flies.]
The crowd has gathered in the square outside the Basilica, awaiting the sight of white smoke curling from the chimney.
Smoke is seen and joyous pandemonium erupts…the Camerlengo emerges and announces Habemus Papam (we have a pope)!
The new pope strides out to the balcony in his snow-white attire and vestments and begins to bless the gathered faithful below…when…suddenly…he clutches his chest and pitches backwards into the arms of the cardinals standing on either side of him who carry his unconscious form back out of sight.
Minutes pass and the crowd grows ever more nervous, praying fervently, in their many languages, for the health of the man they’ve just seen.
The Camerlengo, in his crimson-trimmed cassock, appears on the balcony and announces The Pope, he’s-a had a heart attack…an he’s-a gonna need a new heart
The crowd erupts in cries of Oh, take MY heart…please, please!
The Camerlengo, holding a large, white feather, announces I’ve-a got this-a here feather, an’ now I’m-a gonna drop this-a here-a feather, an’ who-soever this-a feather-a lands on, that’s-a gonna be the pope’s-a new heart! And he drops the feather…
To which the crowd responds by crying out YES, YES! Take MY heart [puff-puff]!-{blowing air upward}
The Pope was visiting America and taking a stroll down a country lane to visit the people.
He came across a little boy with food on his face, sitting on the ground, crying.
“And-a what’s-a de’ matter with a-you, little-a boy?”
“Cheese and crackers got all muddy!” cried the boy.
The Pope paused a second trying to understand the child’s English.
“But that’s-a no reason-a to a-swear, my son,” replied the Pope.
Why did Pope Francis wash his vestments in Tide? Because it was too cold out-tide.
jw’s joke wins this contest. Going to hell a winner.