So Apple is supposed to reveal details about the new iPhone soon. Maybe it’s a little late, but I have a lot of requested features for a new iPhone:
FRANK’S DESIRED NEW iPHONE FEATURES
* Kind of like with Airplane Mode, could there be a mode on the phone where it stops spying on me for the government for when I quickly need to do some illegal things?
* With all the neat new feature, I keep thinking each new iPhone will finally bring some meaning to my life when I purchase it, but so far no luck. Can you make this one finally stop me from feeling empty inside?
* Could you get rid of the image of an apple with a bite taken out of it they put on each one? Having some filthy, hobo-bitten piece of fruit on my phone makes me think the phone is covered in germs our maybe has worms inside it.
* I want it smaller, but I also want the screen bigger. So you could make it both smaller and bigger? You can mess with physics to do it if you want; I don’t care.
* Could you work a little harder this time to make sure there isn’t the blood of exploited Chinese workers on them before you ship them?
* Can Siri pop in and warn me when my family is about to do an intervention about my obsessions with Candy Crush so I can get out of the house? Those are really delaying my progress in that game.
* Could it constantly assure me there’s a point to owning both an iPhone and an iPad so I stop feeling stupid?
* The employees at the Apple Store are too happy and it creeps me out. Do some mass firings.
* Could you tell Siri to stop making fun of my nose?
* The iPhone is good at consolidated what you have to carry with you. I mean, I used to have to carry a separate phone, camera, GPS device, condensed encyclopedia, and irate birds all shoved into my pockets. It was crazy; “Little Jimmy Pockets” they used to call me. But now, I just have the iPhone, but there are still some other stuff I have to carry separate than the iPhone like my keys, breath mints, and a gun. So can you add features to the iPhone to start my car, get rid of breath stink, and kill people?
* Can you keep me from dropping it? Like maybe have a string on it that ties to my wrist. Or you could just pin it to my jacket next to my mittens?
* I’m very afraid of Somali pirates. Can the iPhone warn me when I’m sailing too close to Somalia?
* Is there anyone you could finally have it run the Android operating system instead of that stupid proprietary one you use?
* Can tech support be more helpful when the ghost of Steve Jobs is trying to kill me?
* How about it just self-destructs as soon as a new iPhone is announced so I no longer have an internal debate on whether or not to upgrade.
* Get rid of that thing where the iPhone makes a loud noise and then someone tries to talk to you through it. That is really annoying. And I don’t know who that is aimed at; I guess people who are illiterate and can’t write a text.
I always figured the image of an apple with a bite taken out is about showing contempt for God’s word.
I know what you mean, Frank. When I put my phone in my pocket, there’s so much metal in there the phone won’t ring. It’s like a Faraday cage down there!
Can you keep me from dropping it? Like maybe have a string on it that ties to my wrist.
I am reminded of that bygone utility which the U.S. Army affixed to the butt of those Colt and Smith & Wesson .45s issued to horse-cavalrymen…a “saddle-ring” I think they called it. You’d have a leather or cloth lanyard of a suitable length with a closed loop at one end and a brass clip at the other. If the Apple folks weren’t so fearfully dedicated to planned obsolescence they could attach something like that to the base of their i-phones.
Should they get around to doing something like that they’re duly instructed to remit all royalty checks to me directly.
The only feature that I want Apple to add to any of its products is something that prevents users of Apple products from running their mouths about how wonderful the products are and causes them to do some work for a change.