To the tune of “Mystery Achievement” by The Pretenders:

Mystery-Achievement Joe:

Don’t breathe down my neck, ho!

All these E.O.’s paid to play

Signed them anyway;

I mean, what the heck?

All of your promises

They aren’t worth a dime, no,

You just want the country to experience

A Cuban slide, slide, slide, slide . . .

– – – – – – – – –

[Chorus:]

Every day

Increasing decline

Mystery achievement

Out of my mind
Out of our minds

Every day &

Every woman he feels

Mystery-Achievement’s

So unreal

– – – – – – – –

Prior achievements?

Need a Sandy Berger, yeah

I’ve flashed Secret Service chicks like everybody else

But they’re out of reach

I said, right out of reach!

I could’ve popped Corn Pop,

But The Man’s demands were unending

I’ve answered so many questions about ice cream, but you know me:

The press loves pretending…

[Chorus]