With Scott Peterson being sentenced to death, more people are focusing on the topic of the death penalty. Since that penalty is subject to numerous appeals and can take twenty years or more to carry out (or never get carried out at all because of DNA “evidence”; meh), the death penalty is not a good enough deterrent and very costly.
Back in the olden days, things were different. If someone was sentenced for stealing chickens, the judge would intone, “Take him to the pit… The Pit of Doom!” and justice was carried out swiftly as the thief was thrown into the ominous pit of unknown depths and unknown horrors. What was in The Pit of Doom? No one knows, for The Pit is a mysterious thing. Judging from the screams of those thrown inside, it is filled with many things of unspeakable terror. It is best to leave these things unknown to God-fearing people.
Eventually these pits became neglected and had trash thrown in them more often than criminals. Still, they can be refurbished and used again. Most I know of are located in the Middle East and Africa, but I think there is also one in Wisconsin. It was used by the Native Americans American Indians Those People Who Were in America Before the Colonists Went Slaughter Crazy to sentence wrong doers who broke the ancient rules of their tribes (like counting cards at Blackjack). Eventually missionaries shut it down because you know how stuffy missionaries are about things like “pits” and “doom.”
I say we reopen the pit of doom. Think of how that will change sentencing. The jury will walk out and say, “We sentence the defendant to…” Then all the lights in the court will dim. “The Pit of Doom!”
“No! Not The Pit of Doom!” the criminal will scream, instead of that usual blank stare during sentencing.
“Yes, The Pit– of Doooom!” the juror will answer (that part is optional).
Then the criminal will be led out screaming and thrown into the pit. Soon his screams will be heard no more.
Other great things about execution by Pit of Doom is that it refutes many of the current objections about death penalty. Many say the worst thing about the death penalty is that it can’t be reversed if it was done by mistake, but, with The Pit of Doom, no one can be sure the person was executed. To find out, you’d have to go into The Pit of Doom yourself… and you would not return! Were one ever to survive The Pit of Doom, he would be exonerated of his crimes.
Such a thing has never happened, though.
So lobby your Congressman to bring back The Pit of Doom. It… What? You do not like my idea? How dare you defy The Pit of Doom! Perhaps you will think differently when you see it up close…
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as “Reverse Psychology and It’s Uses: You’re Probably Too Dumb to Read this Book, So Don’t Even Bother Trying” and “The Christmas Meltdown: Why Our Consumerism Culture is All Jesus’ Fault”.
First? Not that it counts for much anymore… 🙂
…erm… Damn drop-downs. I changed gender there for a moment. It won’t happen again. 😉
Right on Frank J., but I was always partial to drawing and quartering. Now there’s a way to execute a criminal!
According to my clock this post hasn’t even happened until 5 minutes from now. How do you guys post so fast. I’m gonna write a program that checks css feeds. That’ll show ya.
Note: I’m actually too lazy to do that.
PS. I know Frank hates it when you say first, but what if I say THIRD!
Ahhhh! Someone posted while I was posting making it 4
Thats nuts!
Frank:
Clearly your editorial is in error, as Ash survived the Pit of Doom in Army of Darkness. Granted, he was saved by a peasant witch doctor throwing him his chainsaw, which leads me to suggest that, in the event of Pits of Doom
being reinstated, we should take the preemptive steps of banning chainsaws, peasant witch doctors, and perhaps even B-movie action stars, should the need arise.Please adjust your stance accordingly and forward me my consultant’s fee.
Thank you.
Of course, for minor crimes, the Pit of Despair. After all, we’re not savages.
Stewart,
I was hoping no one would bring that up…
Eventually missionaries shut it down because you know how stuffy missionaries are about things like “pits” and “doom.” ahahahahahahaha. i don’t know why i found that line so funny. and the counting cards at blackjack. and your book titles.
basil – NOT TO 50!!
I don’t wanna start a religious war or anything, but technically there is nothing in the Raimi’s script or ad-libbed by Bruce Campbell during the movie that says “The Pit of Doom.” It’s just “The Pit” in the shooting script of “Army of Darkness.”
Transcribed from scene 81:
“81-THE PROCESSION, ASH AND THE FOUR OTHER PRISONERS halt. Iron keys rattle. The shackles are unlocked. Ash and the prisoners rub their reddened wrists. They are pushed at swordpoint towards a circular iron grate that sits atop the ground. This is THE PIT.”
You’re in the clear Frank. Better trademark “The Pit of Doom” just to be on the safe side…
Although I agree with your concept, I just don’t see it happening in this P.C. age. Perhaps if we called it the “Pit of Happiness”? No, doesn’t send the lights a-flickerin when you say that. Nevermind.
If we ban chainsaws, then only criminals will have chainsaws.
I was certain that Little Rock, Arkansas trademarked “Pit of Doom” for their tourism brochures, but I may be mistaken. I could be thinking of “Sphincter of the Universe”.
I thought it was “Armpit of Creation”.
Why am I thinking that there was a pit of eternal stench??
Either way, there should be rodents of unusual size in any self-respecting pit.
–Ana
“Inconceivable!”
“You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.”
Love that movie Basil.
Frank, we need to make sure everone gets the “Pit of Doom”. I don’t want to get the “Pit of Doom” while some Enron executive gets the “Couch of Discomfort”
anybody want a peanut?
I say all the pC advocates are the first ones to thrown into the Pit of Doom!!!
“Fessik! Jog his mmemory!”
THUMP!
“Sorry, Indigo, I think I jogged it a little too hard.”
Freaking hilarious.
“While you’re at it, why don’t you give me a nice paper cut and poor lemon juice on it? We’re CLOSED!”
Why am I thinking that there was a pit of eternal stench??
There was a Bog of Eternal Stenches in LABYRINTH. But you can’t dig a pit in a bog.
(sarahk, you left out the first half!)
No more rhyming and I mean it!
You moved your head! That’s wonderful!
“No! To the pain!”
It has already been mentioned that the Pit of Doom is survivable. I think a Sarlacc Pit would be better. It really is not the Death Penalty because you are digested for over 10,000 years but isn’t that worse. The only person known to have survived the Sarlacc Pit is Boba Fett according to Tales of the Bounty Hunters. As long as the convict is not wearing Mandalorian Armor we should be good.
I miss the days when penal actions were simpler.
I’m new here. Where does all this anti-Little Rock stuff come from? “Sphincter of the Universe”?
Frank,
Is that a “Compassionate Head-tilt” I see?
You should really have that looked at, as it can metastasize into full-blown liberalism. I know a good Orthopedist who specializes in relieving head-tilts– both compassionate and sympathetic varieties.
His theraputic techniques include having the victim watch a few Islamic HeadChopper videos, combat-style presentation drills with a handgun, and lots of manly Makers Mark, straight from the bottle.
Let me know if it doesn’t go away, and I’ll put you in touch!
TNS
The Pit of Doom is a great idea,Frank.But with it,we should bring back legalized dueling,for the citizens who prefer to handle things themselves.Both are effective deterrants.There isn’t enough fear of consequences anymore,but I feel certain the Pit of Doom would make people think twice before committing a crime or gettin’ uppity.
“I admit it, you are better than me!”
“Then why are you smiling?”
“Because… I know something you do not know.”
“And what is that?”
“I… am not left-handed!”
changes sword to right hand, continues BEST SWORDFIGHT SCENE EVER TO BE PUT ON FILM
Sorry. Brad like Princess Bride.
“I admit it, you are better than me!”
“Then why are you smiling?”
“Because… I know something you do not know.”
“And what is that?”
“I… am not left-handed!”
changes sword to right hand, continues BEST SWORDFIGHT SCENE EVER TO BE PUT ON FILM
Sorry. Brad like Princess Bride.
NCO,
I did that playing Pickle (it’s like tennis, but with a wooden paddle and a whiffle ball) in high school gym.
“I admit it, you are better than me!”
“Then why are you smiling?”
“Because… I know something you do not know.”
“And what is that?”
“I– am not left-handed!”
switches sword to right hand, continues the BEST SWORDFIGHT EVER PUT ON FILM
Er, sorry. Brad like Princess Bride.
“lots of manly Makers Mark, straight from the bottle.”
Bah! Makers Mark is candy, and best enjoyed by children. There are plenty of other whiskeys out there that can actually put hair on your chest.
Thank you Frank for pointing out that Wisconsin does indeed have a “Pit of Doom”, located in a back office of the Potawatomi Bingo Casino in Milwaukee. This pit is still in use for card counting and bingo cheating, and has also been the doom of anyone attempting to impose upon said casino to any form of growth restriction.
–Says a guy who drinks snicker coffee.
Did I ever state that I drank coffee? Steaming colored water is not true coffee acheivement. I prefer my coffee in its whole, solid, crunchy form.
Well-played, CA.
I personally don’t drink coffee– it cancels out the Heroin.
J/K, of course…it’s OxyContin for me.
TNS
I didn’t know caffeine cancelled out heroin or OxyContin, however it does cancel out some amphetamines.
I do applaud the style points of drinking straight from the bottle, however I still prefer Jim, Jack or Johnnie to chase away compassion. After all, better a hard liver than a bleeding heart.
Jim I can abide– he’s one of us.
That Tennesee Pisswater Jack Daniels stuff, on the other hand, I wouldn’t give to a dog. Unless he was a really bad dog, then I’d let him drink the whole bottle before throwing him off a roof.
As for Johnnie, I don’t do fer’n “Whiskey”. Especially the kind spelled with that extra “E” in there.
I drink it straight from the bottle because it’s one less thing to throw out the window of my truck when I’m done with it.
TNS
Now that you mention it, I tried just about every type of street drug as a pretty young kid, and it turned out I’m one of those people that responds to amphetamines by going into a deep, abiding slumber for 18 hours or so.
Ah, youth. I wish I still had those brain cells– they may come in handy one day.
Stop by my blog for a look, if you like!
TNS
Good Lord, a TRIPLE post! Is that a record?
stupid misleading computer lockups…
I think it is,NCO.I’ve seen 2 doubles before,but never a triple post.I’ve been having similar troubles too.Error messages galore.