I know I’m a few days late, and RightWingDuck already did some on my site, but here are my predictions for 2005. Since I didn’t have a crystal ball, I instead consulted crystal meth.
PREDICTIONS FOR 2005
* Michael Moore will make a new “documentary” trying to expose the Iraq war as evil. To do so, he will head to the Middle East to interview terrorists. Since Moore’s body odor is classified as a WMD, Tenet will be vindicated when Moore is discovered in Iraq.
* Saddam’s trial will turn into a circus when the judge rules that clowns and elephants will be allowed in the courtroom. In the end, Saddam is executed by being fired out of a cannon.
* Satan will finally give up on the moral qualms he had and help Hillary Clinton in her run for the presidency in 2008.
* The MSM will break down and devote all its time to pointing out alleged flaws in blog posts.
* Democracy will be such a big hit in Iraq that all the citizens of nearby countries will demand to get in on the fun. Democracy will spread so far that it will eventually reach Canada.
* Jazz legend Bill Clinton will be found dead of a heroin overdose in a seedy motel near Little Rock. There will be a week of mourning during which McDonalds will offer a promotional Big Mac for one dollar in Clinton’s memory.
* George W. Bush will continue to refuse to demand that Kofi Annan resign, even as he personally strangles the Secretary-General of the U.N.
* France will surrender in the war on terror and begin terrorizing themselves. The U.S. will offer to help.
* Democrats will further break down until they become a loosely organized roving gang that jumps people in dark alleys and whines at them.
* Space aliens will land and offer to share their technology to bring us long life and world peace, but we’ll kill all the aliens because they look funny… and we’ll be right to do so!
* Distraught liberals will try to form a perfect society underground, emerging every so often from the sewers to steal bread crusts from our trash cans.
* Dan Rather does an expose on how Jesus never did raise Lazarus from the dead based on memos allegedly typed at the beginning of the first millenium A.D. It recevies little scrutiny from his audience at the nursing home.
* Seven hurricanes will hit Florida. Having to go at least three months without power, I’ll learn to blog using only candles and coconuts.
* SarahK and I, now in the same state, will join forces to rule the blogosphere, then Florida, then Minnesota, and then the world. No monkey will be spared.
LOL First… Leave no mokey alive!!!
What about Dan Rather? Or does your silence on the topic mean that CBS will simply air re-runs of The CBS Evening News with Dan Rather for months and months and no one notices? I must know!
You make me laugh..lol heh..blogosphere..what a crappy sphere..oh yea, france is stupid.
Hey, no fair. Minnesota gets to go before Iowa.
Most people, when taking over the world, go through Belgium first for some reason.
basil,
Thanks for reminding me. Had one about him and forgot.
Minnesota is already being assimilated by the Crazyweiler.
sweetie, the last 2 don’t quite go together. if 7 hurricanes hit Florida, SarahK won’t be there for long. but the cool thing is, we can instead start our world domination with Arizona, or the Fort Worth Zoo.
I don’t get the Minnesota reference, but I have to go there on business for two weeks in February, and I’m afraid of being bored to death. Is there anything intersting to do in Rochester?
Yay! Frank J. back to good funny!
“…CBS will simply air re-runs of The CBS Evening News with Dan Rather for months and months and no one notices?”
I hate to tell you this Basil, but they’ve already been running reruns for years. Apparently no one HAS noticed. With reruns airing, Dan has had more time to properly research his 60 Minutes II stories. That’s why his reporting is so thorough.
The dems becoming a roving gang has already begun. In Chicago last weekend, I was jumped in an alley by 5 rich white democratic guys. They whined at me for about 15 minutes calling me a racist because I didn’t hate and want to kill “whitey”.
Well, then they’d have to change it to “Weapon of Moore Destruction.” Hm. Actually, that’s pretty accurate…
But not France. France is beyond redemption….
And the world will rejoice, peace and prosperity will reign, ninjas and monkeys will finally be eradicated.
As will France, so I guess we won’t have to worry about them getting democracy…. 😉
Will it be a Zionist cannon?
George W. Bush will continue to refuse to demand that Kofi Annan resign, even as he personally strangles the Secretary-General of the U.N.
This is simply irresponsible. Everybody knows that he’ll send Rumsfeld to do the strangling.
I hate to tell you this Frank, but I’ve already got plans for the world. However, I would be happy to leave you France . . .
A question: Will the dems of the future look more like the Morlocks from HG Wells, or like C.H.U.D.s? (Hillary already looks like the later)
As for the lack of power during huricane season, place a magnet along the shaft of J. Wolcott’s manhood (3 inch magnets can be found at most hobby or hardware stores), and wrap his fist with copper wire. His rapturous joy while watching the hurricanes should provide enough power to keep the whole house running.
No monkey will be spared.
Bring it on…
O Frank, is it true that your benevolent plans for world conquest include NO benevolence for France? [rhetorical question – we already have an idea of what the answer will be]
I thought the French had already surrendered — they built that big bridge to fly white flags from, didn’t they? The questions is, will the aliens look like monkeys? On another note, I’m afraid democracy will NEVER come to Canada.
Regarding the coconut improvisation – Didn’t the professor on Giligan’s Island already do that? Maybe you can get SarahK to power your server with a bamboo bicycle-
If we shoot Saddam out of a cannon, I vote for this one
I surrender to SarahK now. I’m lost to a good-looking blond with a nice handgun.
Heh, Hunter. The pic of the cannon shot in your link was at frenchman’s flat…
if you consulted crystal meth for your predictions, does that mean that you’ve lowered yourself to the level of your crack-smoking fans?
As a resident of Minnesota I’d like to be the first to welcome our new evil overlord.
As long as you don’t mess with our hockey teams or our guns, you are welcome. And if you could turn Minnesota into a red state I would be in your debt.
You are welcome to use my home as a base of operations.
Hey Plea Deal…don’t get the MN reference either, but I will tell you what I know about MinnesOHta.
1) They are the nicest most boring people in the world.
2) No, there is NOTHING to do in Rochester but complain about the Vikings’ French-style defense. (Bud Grant, where are you???)
3) The food is weird…everything is called a hot-dish and is quite bland like the people. They think cream of mushroom soup is a hot spice.
4) Everyone talks like the Swedish Chef from the Muppets. It isn’t an act…they REALLY do talk that way.
Yo, Frank…what is up with the MN reference? My Minnesota-born and raised parents are now down in Tampa, New Cuba in your neck of the woods. Creepy.