"Cut down on other expenses if your insurance premiums increase."
"Ok. I'll buy those cheaper light bulbs."
"About that…"
"DAMMIT BARRY!"
— Lachlan Markay (@lachlan) March 12, 2014
If someone put a gun to my head and said "Do one pull-up," I'd be like "After you shoot me, can you tweet that I did at least one"
— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) March 12, 2014
The Matrix is a sci-fi movie where humans are stuck funneling all their energy into machines and living out empty fantasies in a bleak world
— Mickey McCauley (@Mickey_McCauley) March 12, 2014
No two people pronounce chipotle the same way. # science
— Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) March 12, 2014
What do we want?!
NOW
When do we want it?!
I wasn't finished! AND LATERS
— Paige (@PeachCoffin) March 12, 2014
In fairness, Lance Bass is every bit the healthcare reform expert as Barack Obama.
— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) March 12, 2014
I'd rather listen to an actual deaf leopard.
— Matt Fernandez (@FattMernandez) March 12, 2014
#WaysToAffordObamaCare Quit your job and move back in with your parents.
— Daniel Snyder (@danmsnyder) March 12, 2014
Okay, I've saved enough daylight. Can we go back now?
— Jim Treacher (@jtLOL) March 12, 2014
Horror movies have taught me that when you're in a small town with creepy locals, behave as rudely as possible. WHAT CAN THEY POSSIBLY DO?
— Michael Kupperman (@MKupperman) March 12, 2014
"Ok, jokers wild!" — pretty bad tarot card reader
— Nic Cage Match, Lady (@NicCageMatch) March 13, 2014
99 bottles of craft beer on the wall, 99 bottles of craft beer, take one down and discuss its hoppiness and mouthfeel, 98 bottles of craft b
— Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) March 13, 2014