Very nervous to use the bathroom because i ate twenty-five sticks of gum exactly 7 years ago tonight

— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) July 6, 2014

Batman! The Joker escaped from Arkham Asylum again! We forgot to lock the doors and most of the guards are cats

— sweaty five dollars (@iscoff) July 18, 2014

COP: do u kno how fast u were going ME: no COP: me neither. can i hav my radar gun back now ME: …um…. COP: cmon man ME: no *speeds away*

— jomny sun (@jonnysun) July 20, 2014

Never trust a man who steals all your stuff and murders your entire family. He's obviously got "issues."

— Damon Hunzeker (@DamonHunzeker) July 20, 2014

people in regular houses shouldn't throw stones either for what it's worth

— k e e t (@KeetPotato) July 20, 2014