Another day, another terrorist, another airplane.
Also, another passenger having to do all the work of subduing this turd. You’d think by now that every airline flight would include at least one non-Muslim ex-Special Forces guy with a loaded Glock and a bellyful of unresolved anger management issues.
In response to this latest attack, the airlines have vowed to keep America safer by… randomly inconveniencing passengers:
Passengers on a flight from New York to Tampa Saturday morning were also told they must remain in their seats and couldn’t have items in their laps, including laptops and pillows.
[…]
Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano said […] the measures “are designed to be unpredictable, so passengers should not expect to see the same thing everywhere.”
Um… ok… the guy’s got explosives in his underwear, so they take away… pillows… and laptops.
Now passengers can’t nap and they can’t play Solitaire. People are going to start blowing up planes out of sheer boredom.
But if the goal is irritated passengers, I might as well offer some helpful suggestions:
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* In-flight movie: An Inconvenient Truth. Added bonus – the audio track has a half-second lag
* Stewardesses who speak only Lithuanian.
* Have the Captain actually turn off the NO SMOKING sign, but if someone tries to light up, announce that it’s Opposite Day.
* Hire undercover midgets to scream, cry, and kick the back of people’s seats.
* Smallpox infected blankets
* Overhead Thunderdome compartments – “Two bags enter, one bag leaves”.
* Airsickness bags not changed unless full
* Hitting stewardess call button triggers playing of “Poker Face“. Endless loop. No “off” option.
* People not paying attention during the safety lecture will be beaten with the demo seatbelt.
* Safety lecture now includes directions for putting out flaming Muslim underpants.
Any other theories on what changes the airlines will make?
Kosher in-flight meals will now include bacon bits and a pair of chopsticks to pick them out if you don’t want them.
All airplane bathrooms will now include a Sheryl Crow toilet paper dispenser.
On-board sprinkler system to run continually during flight.
Pre-flight safety briefing to end with “Allah akbar”.
All on-board meals required to have pork by-products in them.
Toilet tissue with cartoon caricatures of Muhammed on them.
Sorry to see that a flight full of Americans chose to outsource their safety to a Dutch passenger. Dutch aren’t strong enough to live in the delusional world we try so hard at. Aren’t we Americans supposed to be the tough guy ass-kickers of the western world? I am both dutch and American does that now mean I’m now the Kwisatz Haderach of whoop-assery? That this terrorist didn’t expect to be stopped or confronted says many awful things about us.
A microphone will be placed over a group of 6-10 chatty teenage females and their conversation will now be re-broadcast throughout the entire flight. Also there will be an exam upon landing based on the content of said conversation and the most accurate scores will leave first after having been scaled for race, gender, and class.
This is just so damn funny, I can’t pick out a favorite part.
Here, let me try…All tray tables will be super-glued shut. Not funny? Hey, if I were funny, I’d be co-blogging at IMAO.
What’s next in airport security? – full body scans are popular now but wait until they announce automatic strip searches for everyone followed by a pre boarding injection to keep all passengers in an unconscious state for the duration of the flight – this will have the added benefit of being able to remove all the seats and just stack the passengers about 3 deep.
Would that all America’s enemies were as feckless as this goober.
To the ‘Have a go’ hero Dutchman, Sa-Lute!
I note that none of the suggested new ‘stringent’ security would have detected a vial of powder strapped to someones thigh.
Don’t fly.
Don’t.
If you make an exception due to dire necessity, such as a death in the family, then you accept the treatment you will receive. Otherwise, don’t fly.
Airline companies are marginal businesses. Full planes are profitable, planes half full are not.
If we want to change the way we are treated by the airlines and the TSA, the only way to do it is to stop accepting the mistreatment. It is the same thing as a battered woman that does nothing to separate herself from her abuser. People that know her shake their head and wonder why she keeps going back, knowing that more abuse was inevitable.
So here’s the plan. Drive. Don’t travel by plane. Take trips closer to home. Take a cruise. If it’s work related, do it by video conference. If 20 % of the people that will fly in 2010 did not, and let the airlines know the reason for their decision, changes would occur.
But if you pay your money to line up and be mistreated, and you already know it’s going to happen, exactly whose fault is that?
Anyone of a terrorist watch list will be exempted from the above rules changes.
Wouldn’t want them to feel stereotyped.
Someone needs to develop a plane where all the passengers are wrapped in cotton batting then Saran wrap, stacked in columns and sedated until the plane lands in it’s destination. Of course with this administration they’d decide that this is just the way they want all citizens of the country to spend all of their time-when they aren’t working 18 hours a day to pay the taxes they owe from the spending like sailors on a three day drunk.
I guess I shouldn’t give them any ideas.
At least the terrorist didn’t target a free country.
Shudder! 300 people on that plane.
Napolitano tells us the system works.
I assume the “system” consists of passengers praying to God that their plane doesn’t blow up.
If a plane fell out of the sky and landed on Detroit, would anyone notice?
I don’t know why all you people are jumping to conclusions about this alleged
terroristmilitantLondon-based extremistpoor misunderstood disaffected disillusioned disenfranchised Muslim youth who is innocent till proven guilty by the man at his 5 year long trial that will create or save 679,364 jobs and pump several billion into the struggling economy of Detroit, ruined by you racist rich white people who at this very moment are torturing another innocent victim who is obviously suffering from mental illness because he has no health insurance thanks to the Jews who all…coincidentally… stayed home.Three cheers to FrankJ for finding humor in the situation!!!
Me, I’m about humored out. The Lindbergh era is over. Eisenhower left us with a good road system; let’s use it. And a big thank you to all the guys and gals on our side in the GWOT who honestly know it’s an impossible fight and still take it up, day after day — these are not the people we’ll ever see on the screen or hear on the radio, but without them–and they are our neighbors, and all around us–we would be in deep doodoo. Together, somehow, we can find our way out of this mess. United we stand.
As for the current leadership, well, frankly, with so much dire stuff going on and hanging over our heads, we’d be a lot worse off actually if they were efficient. That’s another thing terrorists try to do: set off a tyrannical response. We don’t need a Big Brother or a Big Sister to save us.
Just a news heads-up about what’s really going on in Yemen:
http://www.strategypage.com/htmw/htterr/20091216.aspx
Lots of interesting stuff’s happening in there right now, and also, of course, in Iran. How that all might tie in with this attempt, I have no idea, but part of the terrorist “system” is to garner big headlines and force us to react. That’s one system I don’t want to work. So the question must also be raised: did that detonator fail on purpose? And if so, why (apart from screwing up everybody’s holiday travel and putting much of the electorate into an evil mood)? (Okay, that’s two questions, but I just got up and haven’t worked through my first cuppa yet.)
……….Jasper stripped off his clothes and handcuffed him.
If his
terroristextremist buddies back home inNigeriaEngland hear about that, they might push a wall over on him.“Hitting stewardess call button triggers playing of “Poker Face“. Endless loop. No “off” option.”
Lady Gaga? I thought her song was ‘Butter Face’…
so now barack hussein’s new rule is that ..no joke..nobody can leave their seat an hour before landing.. which means no more heroes jumping up to save the day. we can just stay buckled-up and die like the infidels that we are.
i’m with ASM826 and won’t be flying anywhere anytime soon.
In order to keep up with current events New line Cinema has just released a new feature straight to video that is going to focus on this very problem. It’s a sequel to Snakes on a Plane called Muslims on a Plane, staring Samuel L. Jackson reprising his unforgettable role as Neville Flynn.
The movie has been rated R for language, a scene of sexuality and drug use, and intense sequences of terror, violence, and flaming under- ware. Here is some scintillating dialog from Muslims on a Plane ……. Neville Flynn: Enough is enough! I have had it with these motherf**king Muslims on this motherf**king plane! Neville Flynn: Everybody listen! We have to put a barrier between us and the Muslims and their flamming underware! Neville Flynn: You know all those goddamn security scenarios we ran? Well, I’m stuck in the middle of one we didn’t think of. Hank Harris: What the hell you talking about?
Neville Flynn: Al Qaida somehow managed to fill the plane with Muslims wearing explosive underwear.
Hank Harris: Wait, hold on. What kind of insane plan is that? They can’t possibly guarantee that the Muslims are gonna get to explode them. Neville Flynn: Yeah, well, they don’t have to guarantee it if they bring the whole plane down, I just pray one of the passangers is Dutch!
I haven’t been able to get past the part where 300 people actually paid good money to go to Detroit.
Question. When are we going to say enough is enough? I am in agreement with Barb. I find myself humored out too. There is a pent up anger in me that is slowly simmering into an explosive rage.
Sounds like someone’s got a case of the Mondays.
Does anyone know what a Luthuanian stewardess might look like? I need pics.
Why is there an ad for Pat Quinn on your website? The guy’s a flaming liberal jerk.
Perhaps, at some point, when the children are done playing “I’m In Charge”, we’ll simply begin investigating Muslims…since they’re the ones that keep telling us they’re at war with us, and keep trying to blow us up in the name of their god…just a wacky thought.
Another way to make things more annoying:
Passengers may not read any material that they brought on the plane. Airlines will provide the reading material, which consists of the absurd catalog, the in-flight magazine that tells you how about wonderful $800-per-night hotels in places that you don’t want to go (like Detroit, come to think of it), the New York Times, the San Francisco Chronicle, Time, Newsweek, Mother Jones, and The Nation.
Son of Bob, if by saying “investigating Muslims” you are using a euphemism for blowing their heads off. Then I am in complete agreement.
“All passengers shall sit straight up in thier seats with their hands folded on top of thier heads for the duration of the flight. The only exceptions are anyone with a koran, Death to Amercica t-shirt, or a Obama Sticker on their carry on bag.”
But was this an act of terrorism, or an attempt to clean up Detroit?
Ron Rockstar,
My bad, I thought that was a given.
On a positive note, although Muslims want to blow the plane up, they are very cooperative in terms of returning their site to the upright position.
* When you ask a stewardess for bag of peanuts, she states that they no longer give those out. When you ask for your meal, you get a bag of peanuts, regardless of what you ordered.
This is so analogous to Obamacare that I could puke.
We’ll have more time to stop terrorists like this just as soon as we finish investigating the CIA, purging the last of the agents from the Border Patrol who actually want to secure our borders, closing Gitmo, and court-martialing overly aggressive SEAL’s who may be guilty of punching terrorists in the face….The Obama Administration, still twiddling our thumbs, Washington DC.
How to keep crazy Islamists from blowing up planes? Tell them that Joos in Israel have already taken out life insurance on their miserable wretched lives. The benefit will be payable to the families of IDF soldiers AND settlers in the “occupied territories”.
That, and let El Al have a monopoly on international US air travel. The upside to that would also be that certain loathsome Europeans will stay home.
Airlines will turnover all aircraft to US Air Force. Planes will be converted to cargo configuration by removing seats, bins, rugs, insulation, etc. Flight attendants become Load Masters. Cabin class passengers are loaded on standard USAF aluminum pallets, plastic wrapped, tie down netted, and secured, then loaded by fork lift on aircraft. Muslim passengers are used as dunnage between pallets to prevent load shifting during flight. First class passengers sit in canvas and aluminum tube “paratroop” seats along the side of the fuselage, and receive free earplugs. All crewmembers will be armed with the standard M-9 9mm pistol, in addition, the aircraft commander or copilot will be armed with a 12 gauge short barreled combat shotgun.
Remember Guy Fawkes. Patron Saint of Term Limits.
Eastern Airlines used to run a cargo flight from Houston to Atlanta (and vice versa) that left around midnight.
They also carried passengers but NO LUGGAGE (as all the luggage space was used for cargo – DOH!). They used some sort of wide body plane, with 3/4/3 seating, and had NO SEAT ASSIGNMENTS. The tickets cost something like $90 compared with the $250 normal flight cost. The plane was invariably absolutely full. They likely overbooked it. Everyone involved, even the flight attendants, referred to these flights as cattle cars.
You could take 1 (ONE and ONLY ONE) carry-on that fit inside their little box of 9″x19″x12″ or some such. Any additional purses, shopping bags, suit bags, and sports equipment had to fit under the seat or it got left behind for a later flight to handle. Eastern used some sort of wide body plane, with 3/4/3 seating across rows, and had NO SEAT ASSIGNMENTS. You showed up with a ticket and got on the plane, period. The tickets cost something like $90 compared with the $250 normal flight cost. The plane was invariably absolutely full. They likely overbooked it. I always arrived about an hour early, to get in line for boarding.
When you got on the plane and stowed your one carry-on overhead or under the seat ahead of you, you sat down, strapped in, and all the lights were turned off. You were expected to shut up, close your eyes, and go to sleep until arrival at Atlanta. There was NO DRINK SERVICE and NO FOOD SERVICE and NO SERVICE of any kind that I ever noticed. The toilets were available, as I recall, but you were encouraged to stay in your seat and clench, so everyone else could sleep without folks lumbering about the cabin.
Southwest Air is like a private executive jet service in comparison.
I used those flights to visit my long-distance girlfriend as often as I could afford them, and we have now been married more than 20 years.
I feel oddly sentimental that the Muslim terrorists are essentially returning air travel to those wonderful days of yesteryear.
How about to stop airline terrorism, everyone who boards a plane must spit on a Koran and/or eat a pork BBQ sandwich before boarding? I try to do the latter anyway, every chance I get.
what gets me with this failed attack is that the O-bot lemmings are screaming it all BOOOOOOOOOSH’s fault and flinging poo.
Barb, this humor piece was by Harvey. Frank J. is still on Christmas vacation just like President Obama.
I’m guessing the TSA will soon institute a mandatory colonoscopy for all passengers before boarding.
First, let me just let y’all know how much Harvey missed me, cause next to frankJ, I am almost as awesome.
Second, since the airlines are through with their full body cavity search, I can once again use a computer. Of course the annoyance fee the airlines will charge, will be slated to pay for more incompetent non-American, non-english speaking tsa twits.
Third, why do most terrorists remind me of present husseins administration? Is it cause they are mostly dismal failures? That they do everything wrong? Or is it just cause they act like democrats?
Forth, Why can’t we toss all the “officials” in husseins administration that ignored all of the warning signs for this scumbag into the same cell and try them as accomplises?
Fifth — why are all of the peanuts on airlines stale?
I’m guessing the TSA will soon institute a mandatory colonoscopy for all passengers before boarding.
If they’re free, count me in. I’m just about due for my second one.
Every day is International TALK LIKE A PIRATE DAY! ARRRRRRRRR
How about all passenger seats being upholstered in pig skin? Hog farmers in Iowa could use the help.
Has POTUS ever been seen to eat porkrinds Hmmmmm? just asking.
* Safety lecture now includes directions for putting out flaming Muslim underpants.
… you use a baseball bat, a 9 iron, and a pick axe.
Hey, kids – let’s look at the positive side of things here.
The “shoe bomber” resulted in all of us having to take off our shoes for inspection before flying.
The “liquid bomb” plot resulted in a limitation on liquids that can be carried.
This event – the “underwear bomber” – will have similar consequences. Now, all airline travelers will have to strip naked in the security lines. Everyone will fly ‘commando.’ Just wait. It’s coming. Sitting next to the fat chick (or dude) just got that much worse. But sitting next to the hot chick just got that much better.
And don’t even snicker about the potential for the Anal Bomber. That might well be the next attempt
Janet Napolitano has achieved her level of incompetence. She needs to go before she gets more people killed.
Seriously, I’m thinkin’ everyone will have to fly wearing airline-issue orange jumpsuits that you’ll change into at the airports.
And yeah, you’ll have a TSA union slug watching you change.
My next trip to Vegas will be by SUV.
If everyone is flying commando I’d scrape the pigskin upholstory idea (yuck!)
I have never,NEVER,sat next to a hot chick on a commercial flight.
SUVs are destroying the earth shame on you.
I don’t know about you guys but if I have to deal with anyone’s Underpants, I’m outta here! Numb Nuts wants to set his Underpants on fire, fine but this homophobe ain’t goin anywhere near other guys Underpants…period! If the war on terror means I have to deal with Underpants, I surrender!
I am thinking that they should remove all windows from the planes.
this will eliminate the ability for anyone to do anything whether it be read, sleep, or explode in your underwear.
I haven’t been able to get past the part where 300 people actually paid good money to go to Detroit.
Okay, that was funny.
Good one Harvey, once again, I thought it was FrnakJ’s persona in charge.
Then I got to the funniest bit about the Thunderdome Overhead bins and knew it was you.
Weird that.
I guess napolitano was too busy watching all those red-neck, right-wing, pro-life, pro-gun, ex-military, Tim Mcvay-wanna-be, racist, home-grown militia teritz at the TEA party rallies to care about one harmless disciple of the religion of peace from Nigeria who paid cash for his ticket, had no luggage, who only hung out with those harmless kooks in Yemen for a little while, and whose own father had reported him as a potential threat.
It’s good to know what their priorities are.