Do No Robo-Harm

Posted on November 20, 2008 1:09 pm

There’s this scientifical article on how to make sure robots do no harm. They never consulted me, though, even though I’m a leading thinker in stuff about robots. Here’s my suggestions:


* Make sure they all have prominent big red buttons on them that deactivates them.

* Never give them AI by merging the minds of different serial killers.

* Make them out of Nerf™.

* Have a limit of five weapons per robot.

* Never give them access to time machines.

* Don’t have their programming give them a hundred points per person they kill.

* Never make a robot monkey.

* No matter what excuses they give, don’t ever take off their restraining bolts.

* Install Vista on them so no killing spree can last longer than a few minutes without them needing to reboot.

* Make sure killbots have a preset killing limit.

* Put a big label on each robot saying, “Please Don’t Tease the Robot”.

Finally, I propose that each robot be programmed with Frank J.’s three laws of robotics.


1. Only kill foreigners.

2. Give children hugs unless it conflicts with the first law.

3. Do the robot dance to entertain people unless it conflicts with the first and second law.

4. Do everything Frank J. says. Ignore all other laws.

Whoops; that last law was supposed to be hidden.

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28 Responses to “Do No Robo-Harm”

  1. PaleoMedic says:

    Make darn sure that they have trouble navigating stairs.

    Program them to be easily distracted by butterflies and little kitties.

    Make sure they have no resemblence to anything human, elven or Ewok, to prevent misguided anthropomorphism…

    …excluding fembots, of course.

  2. Son of Bob says:

    No matter what safeguards you take, 11-year-old hacker twerps will still find a way to bypass your safeguards and make them evil…while downloading music for free.

  3. MarkoMancuso says:

    1. Only kill foreigners and hippies.


  4. ussjimmycarter says:

    Just build them in Detroit! The UAW toughs will add so much to the price while keeping robot quality at the level of a Ham’s beer can. Then robot CEO prick can fly corporate jet to DC and drop trou. for a room full of idiots! It’s all good!

  5. IJ says:

    Limit their access to extension cords.

  6. Jimmy says:

    Frank’s back to making lists… about robots. Yeah, I guess that’s why I visit here.

    My only suggestion would be to make “Klaatu barada nikto” an all-purpose command. The point of this is that, in context, the robot will understand the meaning. A key example:

    * Your personal robot brings you tea instead of coffee. You say, “Klaatu barada nikto,” and the robot dumps the tea on your keyboard, punches you in the face and says “get it yourself, beotch!”

    * To which you respond with another “Klaatu barada nikto” and robot turns you over and sticks his mechanics up your a$$.

    * A final “Klaatu barada nikto” from you makes the robot respond appropriately by bringing you a coffee but forgets the pre-programmed sugar. You drink the coffee anyway in a great deal of pain. No harm done and the three-word, context-sensitive command set makes the programmer’s life easy.

  7. ILoveMyFreedoms says:

    You were talking about turning elected officials into robots, right?

    I like the idea of deactivating them with the slap of a face-button, never EVER removing their restraining bolts, and making them impotent when it comes to killing US citizens. (Just picture Obama, Pelosi, Reid, Frank being fully restrained – yay!)

    The free-range politicians certainly need to be stopped from killing the American dream.

  8. Thollllomew says:

    Wowwee…that was brilliant NOT. Why don’t you wake up lame IMAO bloggers. You praised the stupid war and the crazy one-sided free trade deals the Bush administration did and look where we are now. Dow down another 450 or so. Look at the scoreboard aholes!!! Look at that friggin scoreboard. That Dow and Nasdaq board shows what a disaster your freakin policies and ideas have caused this great country of ours. Please leave and form your own stupid lame party and let the people who actually care about fiscal responsibility have a goal. We need a new GOP that tells ahole losers like IMAO to f*** off!!!!

    [How old are you and what is your occupation? -Ed.]

  9. TerribleTroy says:

    Im looking a the scoreboard.. America 0, communist shitbirds calling themselves democrats and compassionate republicans 1. But he does have one interesting point…. we could form the “stupid lame party” (SLP) it couldnt be any worse than the “parties” we have right now….. which reminds me…. Why do they call them “party’s”? There really not very much fun and we cant get them to go home. Why dont we call them “groups” or “clubs” or “associations”? Party is just the wrong word…..

  10. Tyson says:

    Wow, how to even to respond to such a bile. My friend has a policy when dealing with a great deal of anger from others.
    Step 1: Call them an idiot.
    Step 2: Tell them why.
    Step 3: Repeat Step 1.
    Alright idiot, listen up. The reason that this government spends so much is primarily because there is a religion, affirmed by hundred of millions of people, which says that killing Westerners, particularly Americans, is a good idea. And not just a good idea, but the will of God. They will not listen to reason, and cannot be bribed, pacified, or diverted from their murderous intent. Resisting this wave of hatred requires some effort on the part of the free/sane world, which translates into money and, sorrowfully, lives. Thus, there is a reason for the huge deficit we have now.
    Secondly, I believe it was Clinton, not Bush, who removed the restrictions on those mortgage companies which have crashed and caused this economic hiccup. Bush was wrong only in not undoing what Clinton did. Finally, do you have any better ideas? You have given us a mass of vitriol and hatred, without ever offering any other idea for fixing the situation. Go die in a hole, idiot.

  11. Jimmy says:

    I was also imagining a robot designed by ussjimmycarter that would rip-off liberals’ heads and stuff ’em up their a$$es (get busy, ussjc). And I see #8 would make a good test subject! In this case “Klaatu barada nikto” would be interpreted correctly, and amazingly, Frank’s “Do No Robo-Harm” philosophy would win again. Everything as it should be. “You must have faith – that the universe will unfold stuff as it should.”

  12. Thollllomew says:

    –Re: [How old are you and what is your occupation? -Ed.]

    I’m a little older than you, you infantile right-wing knuckle-dragging homophone!

    And my occupation!!?? How dare you even ask it. I’m way too smart and intelligent and intellectual and smart to have an “occupation.” I donate my invaluable time and services to serve the best president and world leader ever.


    When he gets started, you won’t even be allowed to waste space in the cyber with your idiotic and stupid and dumb and idiotic right-wing knuckle-draggery!

    Who’s Ed anyway? And I’m smart, so shut up! . . . . Dumbheads!

  13. Thollllomew says:

    * Never let a robot believe that it is alive or sentient. And NEVER allow a robot to have organic organs installed into its robo-body.

  14. Spyndrilleum says:

    Oops, that was me, not bonehead.

    * Never let a robot believe that it is alive or sentient. And NEVER allow a robot to have organic organs installed into its robo-body.

  15. FIRST DO NO HARM | Midwest Conservative Journal links:

    […] now addressing the question of how to build robots that will not harm humans.  As he usually does, Frank J. has come up with what is probably the most effective short-term solution to this problem.  […]

  16. I'm with Stuppid says:

    Frank is a homophone? What other words sound like “frank” but are spelled differently?


    Oh, I know, phranq.

  17. 5 of 7 says:

    Train robot handlers in proper ‘Kirking’ techniques. Capt. Kirk used to burn out computers and androids all the time with a few clever word tricks. ‘ERROR… ERROR… must evaluate… Pow!’
    Well, you get the idea.

  18. Xenophore says:

    * Let robots know that they will be under constant supervision by Fred Thompson.

  19. ussjimmycarter says:

    Program in the Kobayashi Maru test that Captain Kirk passed by cheating. If they robot can get by that he can go crazy and start killing people!

  20. Tommy the Towelhead says:

    I like the Vista idea. Just make sure the robots are embedded with Norton so they can’t think hard enough to try and install Linux. Thollllomew, who is actually a robot, has just demonstrated the effective mind-numbing action of a big, fat antivirus program (except the viruses got through!).

  21. 5 of 7 says:

    The Pentagon’s computers are being attacked by mysterious viruses and Arnold Schwarteneger has become a liberal weenie — clearly SkyNet is making its move! Let’s hold off on the killer robots for at least a little while!

  22. Instapundit » Blog Archive » AMERICA WANTS TO KNOW:  When will Obama address the killer robot problem?… links:

    […] AMERICA WANTS TO KNOW:  When will Obama address the killer robot problem? […]

  23. Jason says:

    Very good ideas. Very practical. Thanks.

  24. Nathan says:


    Do the robot dance to entertain people unless it conflicts with the first and second law.

    Ought to be:

    Do the robot dance to entertain people unless it conflicts with the first or second law.

    As it stands, a robot would have to do the robot dance to entertain people even if it kills locals or prevents the hugging of babies, as long as it doesn’t do both. Thus, a malevolent robot could kill Americans if it contrived to do so by dancing the robot dance while hugging babies. This sort of thing is why Robert Gates is Sec. Def., while the mastermind behind Nuke The Moon is left to patrol the internets.

  25. Robot News: Frank J.’s “Do No Robo-Harm” List « PurpleSlog links:

    […] Robot News: Frank J.’s “Do No Robo-Harm” List It is pretty darn funny! […]

  26. How to Stop the Robots NOW « The Legal Satyricon links:

    […] horde of Daleks or fight off a rampaging terminator in the future, the time to act is now. Frank J. has figured out how to preserve our future, so the machines can never take over. Make sure they all have prominent […]

  27. Walt says:

    Killer robots? Obama? Is this anything like Jimmy Carter’s adventure with killer rabbits?

  28. Kent says:

    My GF read this and reminded me that AI also stands for “Artifical Insemination”. Kinda changes things, doesn’t it?

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