Who We Should Send to North Korea
President Obama has sent Bill Clinton to North Korea to negotiate the release of the two journalists being held there. I guess that’s better than sending Carter. Sending Carter is basically saying you barely even acknowledge the country’s existence. It’s like, “We don’t really care what you do. Here’s Carter.”
Still, there are a lot better options to send to North Korea than Clinton. Here’s some suggestions:
WHO WE SHOULD SEND TO NORTH KOREA
* Mr. T: He’s be like, “I pity fool who doesn’t meet my demands.” And the North Koreans would say that the journalists are actually spies, and Mr. T would be like, “Enough of your jibber-jabber!” And then he’d throw a few of the North Koreans through plate-glass windows and that would be that.
* A Giant Robot: It really would be great to have a giant robot for negotiation purposes like this. It would just start crushing things with its robot claws, and the North Koreans would try to shoot it but their bullets would bounce off of it because it’s made of metal. And it would shoot lasers out of its eyes which is always a good negotiation tactic.
* Fred Thompson: As soon as the North Koreans saw him, they’d be like, “We’ll release the journalists with no conditions!” And Fred Thompson would say, “Not good enough!” And the North Koreans would be like, “We’ll release the journalist plus give you a million dollars!” And Fred Thompson would say, “Still not good enough!” And the North Koreans would be like, “Um… a million dollars plus some nachos?” And Fred Thompson would say, “Now we’re getting somewhere.”
* A Large Wooden Horse: I know what you’re saying, “We’d have to work really hard to build a large wooden horse. Why would we want to give our hard work to North Korea.” Well, see, the horse is hollow. So, when they wheel the horse past the DMZ, out will come swarms of squirrels. Take that!
* Cruise Missiles: Our best negotiators. As Aristotle once blogged, “A cruise missile is worth a thousand words.” You mess with us, you can go negotiate with Satan to let you out of hell.
Of course, all these options are too awesome for Obama, so Bill Clinton it is.
(22 votes, average: 4.77 out of 5)
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August 4th, 2009 at 1:36 pm
You forgot the poo-throwing monkeys.
August 4th, 2009 at 2:05 pm
Question for Dear Leader, although I don’t expect him to deign to answer:
Doesn’t the job of going to NORK for a task such as this fall within the duties of not Mr. Clinton, but Secretary of State Mrs. Clinton? Obie burns Hillary again!
Other than that, Mmmmmm, nachos.
August 4th, 2009 at 2:16 pm
#2 hit the nail on the head. I was wondering the same thing. Where exactly is Hill? Isn’t this her job?
August 4th, 2009 at 2:19 pm
It really is funny seeing Clinton play the role of statesman. The man is a parody of himself. I can’t imagine the NORKs taking him seriously. Really, what is the first thing that comes to mind when you think of Clinton? ……See?
August 4th, 2009 at 2:22 pm
Kim Jong Il would let Fred Thompson attach strings to him and dance him around like the Team America puppet.
August 4th, 2009 at 2:23 pm
Mr. T can offer to trade one of his new fancy Flavorwaves for the two Algore reporters who “stumbled” into NOKO. Seems like a fair trade to me.
I’d be careful about a deployment of giant robots so close to Japan. They have a lot of experiance with giant robots over there. Make’s ‘em nervous.
August 4th, 2009 at 2:29 pm
I say nuke the Norks!
August 4th, 2009 at 2:33 pm
Buck…the Marine!
August 4th, 2009 at 2:38 pm
See, this is one of the times I really wonder if you’re fit for the job of president.
While those are all good ideas, which currently unemployed “world leader” do you want to send anywhere to pick up two chicks?
I gotta stick up for Obama on this one.
August 4th, 2009 at 3:04 pm
First, I second Nunya’s mmmm nachos.
Second, cmon billy bob? Why not put the classless disgrace in white face and have him grovel in person.
If America had a president, they would be all like, hey norky give em up or we’ll nuke you. And the norkies would be all like, okay we give them up, we onry took em cause, we’re so ronery.
August 4th, 2009 at 3:07 pm
Just heard on the radio that the North Koreans allowed Bill Clinton to meet with the women and that they might soon be released soon at Clinton’s request.
Say what you like about the Norks, but they know how to reward their allies.
August 4th, 2009 at 3:15 pm
And ole billy bob will be all like: hi ladies, let me show you somethin I am veray proud of. ya don’t see hillary anywhar do ya?
August 4th, 2009 at 3:19 pm
I say we send Vince from those annoying Sham-WOW commercials. Maybe he can get Kim Jong Il to release those Journalists. and If Kim acts now (Because we can’t do this all day), he’ll throw in the vegetable chopper free…
The worst case scenario they keep Vince and sentence him to 30 hard years in a third world labor camp for espionage, and I don’t have to watch his annoying commercials during old re-runs of Veronica Mars at 1 in the morning. Either way, I win.
August 4th, 2009 at 3:23 pm
Does anybody in the world respect Slick Willy, the purgerer? I bet the administration secretly sent in the Dick Cheney Assassination Squad to take care of the matter.
August 4th, 2009 at 3:27 pm
I say we send Micheal Jackson
August 4th, 2009 at 3:47 pm
If we build this giant wooden Badger…
August 4th, 2009 at 4:19 pm
Did he pass out cigars? Did they accept?
August 4th, 2009 at 4:41 pm
I can’t believe y’all missed the obvious.
We send Team America.
August 4th, 2009 at 4:45 pm
Just send Obama over there without preconditions. He’ll bow and aplogize to little kim Jong. Then Kim Jong will hold Obama for ransom money, and then we’ll say you can keep him. We’ll also tell him he can have Biden, Reid, and Pelosi too.
August 4th, 2009 at 5:18 pm
IH8Socialists said: We’ll also tell him he can have Biden, Reid, and Pelosi too.
Wait, do you want hime to send back the one he has?
I think we just sacrifice biden, pelousy, and reid (sounds like an ambulance chasing law firm, oh wait) to the freedom gods. Anytime a commie goes away the freedom gods are happy.
August 4th, 2009 at 5:23 pm
F*ck Yeah!
August 4th, 2009 at 5:38 pm
These two morons work for Al Gore, and were over there creating “news” stories for his lame network…most likely typical left-wing socialist propaganda. Sounds like Kim was nice enough to let them live their dream and be part of the socialist worker party. Why would they want to give all that up to come back to our horrible capitalist country?
August 4th, 2009 at 6:00 pm
The headline over at Drudge says, “Clinton Delivers”. Does that mean he got the hostages back or did Kim send out for a nosh?
Let’s face it. We already have plenty of lefty journalists; do we really need these two back? I was hoping they’d keep Clinton.
August 4th, 2009 at 7:13 pm
Well I guess Kim is letting our people go. Good for the hostages. Still, it would have been cool to have enough time to send Charleton Heston and a few assorted plagues. I think we could have added to Mr. Heston’s bag of tricks too. The frog plague was good in its day, but maybe just to show North Korea how we do things in the 21st century, we could try sending a plague of rocket launcher equipped T-Rexes. Heck as soon as our folks get free we should do it anyway.
August 4th, 2009 at 7:37 pm
I think we should sick a plague of liberals on the Norks.
August 4th, 2009 at 8:11 pm
I think we all owe our Dear Leader all the thanks of a gracious nation for sending Bill Clinton to North Korea…as long as he stays there.
August 4th, 2009 at 8:23 pm
DamnCat has the right idea….Now everyone are you ready!? Lets all sing along!….[Song] America, f**k yeah! Comin’ again to save the motherf**king day, yeah! / America, f**k yeah! Freedom is the only way, yeah! / Terrorists, your game is through, ’cause now you have to answer to / America, f**k yeah! So lick my butt and suck on my balls! / America, f**k yeah! What you gonna do when we come for you now!? Wow, I don’t know about the rest of you but I feel great after singin’ that song, how about a few verses of Hundred Bottles of Beer on the Wall??
August 4th, 2009 at 8:39 pm
Send Robert Gibbs. When it comes to placating murderous dictators, he and his buddy That One are on a roll!
August 4th, 2009 at 9:09 pm
We should send Gary Coleman. I want to see a picture of him and Kim Jung Il together to confirm that they are indeed different people.
August 4th, 2009 at 10:36 pm
Hillary couldn’t go. This is what the Norks think about her: “by no means intelligent,” “a funny lady,” and “Sometimes she looks like a primary schoolgirl and sometimes a pensioner going shopping.”
All of which is undoubtedly true. But still, kind of hard for her to negotiate with them after that.
August 4th, 2009 at 10:45 pm
Glad they are coming home. They would not have survived 10 years in a Nork gulag.
August 4th, 2009 at 11:02 pm
Think back FrankJ. Clinton already sent Jimmah Carter to North Korea back in the day. Carter even took the opportunity to tour the Museum formerly known as the USS Pueblo. (taken away from Johnson back in ’68 in a flagrant act of war and in direct violation of the cease fire agreement.) If you recall, Carter got a Nobel Peace prize for selling out his country.
August 4th, 2009 at 11:05 pm
Has Obama apologized for the USS Pueblo yet?
August 4th, 2009 at 11:37 pm
A pair of old professors whose house I clean described Hillary as a ‘neat notebook girl’.
The type who takes perfect notes, reads all the textbooks, and regurgitates it all without forming a single original thought.
August 5th, 2009 at 12:26 am
We should send Jimma’ Carter. Do you think they might keep him? After all he is a Noble Prize winner, they’ll assume we’d ransom him……the jokes on them. We don’t want him. Maybe we can get Al Gore, Nanny Nancy and Drippy Harry to go too.
Win, win, win, win. I like it.
August 5th, 2009 at 12:41 am
I’d nominate Korben Dallas/John McClane/(any other badass Bruce Willis Character), to negotiate the release of the hostages.>>> The Norks released the hostages because Clinton threatened to impregnate their women if they didn’t let them go.
August 5th, 2009 at 1:23 am
Maybe they offered Kim a free trip to the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota so he can get some decent doctors to treat whatever the heck it is he’s got.
“Make the deal now, Kim. After we F up our healthcare system you’ll have to take your chances with Nork doctors”.
August 5th, 2009 at 2:04 am
I think we should have sent FrankJ to North Korea – the Dear Leader’s son might find him way cool and ask to defect by pretending to be an extra imprisoned American journalist.
Since Bill Clinton was sent instead, I hope it’s safe to say that we will *never* again have a First Lady as Secretary of State: hubby just butts in everywhere. Glad she didn’t end up in the White House: I’d seriously think about revoluting. Well, a little seriously anyway.
August 5th, 2009 at 7:33 am
Bill Crinton! Aww! At reast they didn’t send Hans Brix or Hirary Crinton!
August 5th, 2009 at 8:46 am
You should have stopped with the first paragraph. It’s accurate, it’s a better assessment of the situation than anything I’ve heard in the past 15 years, it sends an unmistakable message to the world, and it moves Carter about as far away from the Middle East as can be managed. Iit’s something even BHO can accomplish.
October 24th, 2009 at 11:49 am
lol them norks are hilarious….