Little Known Facts About the Founding Fathers

Posted on July 4, 2012 8:36 pm

[With all due apologies to Harvey for stealing one of his tried and true bits…]

George Washington’s famous wooden teeth were actually carved from the very same cherry tree he couldn’t lie to his Father about chopping down. Why did you think he chopped the damned thing down to begin with?

Benjamin Franklin, the inventor of the stove, bifocals and the Hundred Dollar Bill, did not discover electricity by flying his kite in a thunderstorm as legend would have you believe. He actually discovered static electricity when his kite stuck to the culottes he had just put on after removing them fresh from the clothes dryer.

Why did John Hancock sign his name so large on the Declaration of Independence? Because no one had invented shouting at the King by TYPING IN ALL CAPS ON THE INTERNET YET!!!

James Madison drafted the original version of the United States Constitution entirely in Pig Latin just to mess with everyone’s minds: “Eway the Eoplepay…”

The Boston Tea Party, in which patriots protested unjust taxes by dressing up like Indians and tossing tea off of British ships in the middle of the night, took place in Boston Harbor on December 16, 1773. Not mentioned nearly as often in the history books is the concurrent Occupy Boston movement, in which a bunch of confused teenagers dressed up in tie-dyes and birkenstocks and sat around banging on drums while complaining that everything ought to be free and defecating in the public square.

John Adams and Thomas Jefferson both famously died on the same day, July 4th, 1826, exactly 50 years to the day from the signing of the Declaration of Independence. John Adams’ famous last words were, “Thomas Jefferson still survives,” though, ironically, word had not reached him that Jefferson had indeed passed a mere 5 hours earlier at Monticello after muttering, mysteriously, “Wrong again, John.”

The reason so many of our Founding Fathers wore powdered wigs? They had been scalped by Elizabeth Warren’s ancestors who liked to run around claiming to be Indians and scalping anyone who laughed at them.

Your turn!

Have a safe and Happy Independence Day!

_______________

UPDATE: Linked by Hatless in Hattiesburg

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5 Responses to “Little Known Facts About the Founding Fathers”

  1. CarolyntheMommy says:

    Ben Franklin originally wanted the turkey to be the official bird of the new nation. This was primarily to be a wise-acre, and because it was the bird with a body type most closely resembling his own.

    Samuel Adams might not have been as famous as his cousin John, but he threw the best parties because he brewed the best beer.

    William Whipple of New Hampshire almost didn’t sign the Declaration as he was too busy yelling at everyone to not squeeze the Charmin.

    Charles Carroll signed it, and then told some kid that “the secret lies with Charlotte”, thus setting off a series of events that would lead to the Declaration being stolen as part of a WICKED COOL treasure hunt with Nick Cage.

    While John Hancock was signing the Declaration, the rest of the room was snickering and saying, “His name is Hancock. Cock. Get it? Heh heh heh heh.” Well, not the South Carolina members; they thought it sounded like a fine name for their state university mascot.

  2. Harvey says:

    Mr. Right – First, as an IMAO co-blogger, you’re entitled to post Fun Facts list without apology (and use the Fun Facts category)

    Second – HOLY CRAP! You’re good at this!

    More, please…

    Seriously, you’ve been limiting your potential by confining yourself to photoshops (although those ARE excellent).

  3. zzyzx says:

    Well at least the Tea Party is housebroke…that’s more than we can say for the Occupy Movement.

  4. Critter says:

    Jefferson was a bit of a nerd. the other Founders would keep sending him back to do revisions in the Constitution, such as: “I told him it needed more ‘thou’s’! heh, heh, heh…”

  5. Dohtimes says:

    If we could harness the energy produced from the Founding Fathers spinning in their graves we could have an endless supply of green energy.

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