Straight Line of the Day: To Fill the Doctor Shortage Caused by Obamacare, California…
Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.
To fill the doctor shortage caused by Obamacare, California…
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February 13th, 2013 at 12:04 pm
… drops certification requirements to allow anyone who’s seen reruns of “ER” to practice medicine.
February 13th, 2013 at 12:05 pm
…the U.S will employ used Iranian space monkeys.
February 13th, 2013 at 12:06 pm
… forcibly drafts all actors to have ever played a doctor in a movie or on TV into service.
February 13th, 2013 at 12:07 pm
…turn in your gun… get a certified doctor’s license.
February 13th, 2013 at 12:07 pm
…include Dr. Dre and Dr. J as medical doctors.
February 13th, 2013 at 12:08 pm
…the current illegal aliens granted amnesty will need some form of gainful employment.
February 13th, 2013 at 12:10 pm
…will use the rack… to make them taller.
February 13th, 2013 at 12:12 pm
…will license tatoo parlors to practice medicine.
February 13th, 2013 at 12:13 pm
…will allow anyone to be their OWN doctor providing they pay a 75% income tax to the bankrupt state.
February 13th, 2013 at 12:13 pm
@#2 or … will employ used Iranian space monkeys.
(for just California)
February 13th, 2013 at 12:15 pm
… will have participating in San Fran’s gay pride parade qualify as a proctological exam.
February 13th, 2013 at 12:19 pm
Every box of Band-aids sold in CA now comes with an official medical license printed right on the box.
Reviving the ancient practice of the Barber Surgeon
Since Vetrinarians know how to treat so many species of animals why not just let them treat humans too? (actually a good friend of mine is a large animal DVM who was a medic in the Army and is also an EMT. I would trust him treating any medical emergency I might encounter more than some ER doctors that I have encountered.)
February 13th, 2013 at 12:20 pm
…will raise taxes on doctors (and everyone else.)
February 13th, 2013 at 12:20 pm
…will pledge to play doctor more often.
February 13th, 2013 at 12:22 pm
…Governer Brown gave a speech stating that California had no shortage of doctors. Problem solved!
February 13th, 2013 at 12:22 pm
…now allows anyone that clicks on a “University of Phoenix” popup ad to be a Doctor.
February 13th, 2013 at 12:23 pm
…will be funding new medical schools, like the ones recently opened by doctors Clampet and Boudine.
February 13th, 2013 at 12:24 pm
…the legislation passed a law that requires the state to have more doctors by 2015.
February 13th, 2013 at 12:25 pm
. . . eliminate the “turn your head and cough” procedure for liberal patients since they don’t have any . . . well, you know.
February 13th, 2013 at 12:26 pm
…closed numerous hospitals and clinics, moving those employees to others and now claims that all existing hospitals and clinics are now fully staffed!
February 13th, 2013 at 12:27 pm
…reclassified pole dancing as a breast exam.
February 13th, 2013 at 12:27 pm
…will host a visit from Japan’s Finance Minister to encourage older citizens to “just give it up already.”
February 13th, 2013 at 12:28 pm
…call back Former Governor Termin… I mean Schwarzenegger to help there newly founded “assisted suicide” department.
February 13th, 2013 at 12:28 pm
…began construction of the new ‘Soylent Green’ distribution complex in downtown L.A.
February 13th, 2013 at 12:29 pm
…will take the approach that restricting who may practice medicine is a form of discrimiation, so from now on everyone will be allowed to legally practice medicine. Also, everyone will now be paying malpractice insurance.
February 13th, 2013 at 12:30 pm
…will be producing a wacky new game show called The Death Panel Is Right.
February 13th, 2013 at 12:31 pm
…issued each citizen a blue pill and a red pill.
February 13th, 2013 at 12:33 pm
…enacted new regulations to combat Global Climate Change.
February 13th, 2013 at 12:36 pm
@Apostic #26 – I think Beat The Reaper has already been done.
February 13th, 2013 at 12:40 pm
…will broadcast public service announcements like — “Getting some youth in Asia, doesn’t just mean a fun trip to Thailand.”
February 13th, 2013 at 12:41 pm
… will start giving illegal aliens doctor licenses along with their driver’s license.
February 13th, 2013 at 12:49 pm
@29 rodney dill : Heh. Had some stuff from the flip side of that album stuck in my head yesterday. “Hi, I’m Gabby the Sacred Cow – boy and this reminds me very little of the time I was sent to clean up all the bad karma in Artful Dodge City….”
February 13th, 2013 at 12:58 pm
…will bring back the show, “Family Feud” and require loaded firearms on the set.
February 13th, 2013 at 1:02 pm
Will institute a new requirement that anyone over the age of 31, excluding actors and politicians, take part in a community service called “renewal”.
February 13th, 2013 at 1:11 pm
…will increase taxes on doctors, of course.
February 13th, 2013 at 1:12 pm
…will designate marijuana dealers as primary care physicians.
February 13th, 2013 at 1:15 pm
…allow veterinarians to treat humans by designating humans as monkeys.
February 13th, 2013 at 1:16 pm
…will shoot up ‘House’ with amphetimines and hire him to brainstorm it…..
February 13th, 2013 at 1:29 pm
…is directing patients to be guests on TV hospital dramas.
February 13th, 2013 at 1:31 pm
. . . will pass legislation requiring every insurer to provide free access to healing crystals, magnetic bracelets, green coffee beans and acai berries.
. . . will enact the Dream MD Act, providing free medical education to the children of undocumented guest workers.
. . . will triple taxes on cigarettes, because smokers get sick a lot.
. . . will enact a steep “sin tax” on sugary foods and drinks, because fatties get sick a lot.
February 13th, 2013 at 1:36 pm
…create a new state lottery and if your number comes up then your number IS up if ya’ know what I mean. Of course the state legislature will exempt themselves.
February 13th, 2013 at 1:39 pm
…will tell doctors that they may never retire
February 13th, 2013 at 2:02 pm
Three words: Illness free zones.
February 13th, 2013 at 2:04 pm
…is having a “buy a Chevy volt – get a medical license free” sales event
… will provide a roll of duct tape to every resident, because duct tape fixes anything
…will spend 20% of their tax revenue on fixing the roads leading to Oregon and Nevada, since that’s where the doctors are heading
…will run Jesse “the Body” Ventura for governor next term with the motto ” I ain’t got time to bleed, and neither do you!”
…will create a you tube channels called “simple surgery for home” and “diagnosis for dummies”
…will do nothing as the general population is “de-optimized” , as this is part of their reduction in long term health care cost plan
…will begin a government structure where everyone wears black shirts with a wide gray horizontal strip across their chest, and at age 21 the crystal in their hand turns red, and they’re sent to a “sleep shop” unless they try to run to “sanctuary”
February 13th, 2013 at 2:14 pm
Offer paid internships for aspiring undertakers and medical examiners.
February 13th, 2013 at 2:20 pm
..will add Obamacare II, III, & IV ….. until prices come down and doctors are plentiful.
February 13th, 2013 at 2:37 pm
. . . will hold an annual “Draft” by all hospitals.
February 13th, 2013 at 2:45 pm
They are hiring displaced Acorn workers to take over billing to insurance companies. They have also hired death row inmates to help decide if your mom should be treated for life threatening illnesses.
February 13th, 2013 at 2:54 pm
Mated Watson and Siri and created a medicine app for your Iphone!
February 13th, 2013 at 3:02 pm
…will issue all death panel members an assault rifle and a homie to drive the lowrider for those who won’t die their fair share.
February 13th, 2013 at 3:14 pm
…now offers Pay-per-view breast exams.
…will make Garrett Morris yell at your kidney stones.
…has moved to Cuba.
…has allowed San Francisco doctors to wear fists during exams.
February 13th, 2013 at 3:31 pm
…will only allow illegal immigrants to receive health care.
February 13th, 2013 at 3:33 pm
. . . is extending an invitation to Julius “Dr. J” Erving to move there; they wanted Dr. Seuss, as well, but gave up when they were informed that he’s dead -
every cell of his body disrupted.
February 13th, 2013 at 3:37 pm
… will continue doing what it’s doing: running everyone out of the state to Nevada and Arizona.
… declaring all the sick people ‘healthy’.
February 13th, 2013 at 3:57 pm
… has hinted that Sports Illustrated swimsuit models and Playboy bunnies are feeling not so hot anymore.
February 13th, 2013 at 3:58 pm
… will call the Surgeon General on the field telephone and yell “Medic!”
February 13th, 2013 at 3:58 pm
…will hire more spin doctors. Kill two birds with one stone.
February 13th, 2013 at 4:00 pm
… will get more dentists off the plaque market.
February 13th, 2013 at 4:00 pm
… will ask actors what to do. Is there anything they don’t know?
February 13th, 2013 at 4:01 pm
… wrote itself a proscription, which is something it’s good at.
February 13th, 2013 at 4:02 pm
… asked a bunch of Jewish mothers how to find an available doctor.
February 13th, 2013 at 4:04 pm
… dropped hints [this is a pretty gross one] in San Francisco that doctors get *paid* to use rectal thermometers.
February 13th, 2013 at 4:04 pm
…will chase anyone capable of affording medical care out of the state by raising their taxes until they leave.
…will start deploying unmarked vans that abduct vagrants off the streets, dress them in lab coats and give them stethoscopes and licenses to practice medicine.
…will start a “guns for medical license” giveaway
February 13th, 2013 at 4:21 pm
@56: That did it. Bacon!
February 13th, 2013 at 4:31 pm
@63: “…will start a “guns for medical license” giveaway” – Blarg
“Sawbucks for sawbones”
February 13th, 2013 at 4:32 pm
… asked Valerie Jarrett how the White House manages to conjure up so many, out of thin air, every time there’s a photo op for ObamaCare.
February 13th, 2013 at 4:38 pm
…will let anyone with a windowless van buy candy with food stamps and become a pediatrician.
…will no longer pay hookers to be petri dishes, use money to buy bananas for monkey hits the knee with a hammer test.
…promises doctors that they have permission to order seX-ray test before patient gets undressed.
…paid Chaz Bono a billion dollars to become a doctor, treat self.
February 13th, 2013 at 4:38 pm
… will go through their binders full of women doctors and hire some of them.
February 13th, 2013 at 4:53 pm
…has passed a law making it illegal to get sick. Unless you’re an “undocumented worker” then it’s totally chill, ese. Free health care over here, yo.
February 13th, 2013 at 5:26 pm
…closed all national chain book stores and requested help From “Doctors Without Borders”.
February 13th, 2013 at 5:28 pm
To fill the doctor shortage caused by Obamacare, California…got an exemption to Obamacare because they are all VERY big financial contributors to the D.N.C.
February 13th, 2013 at 5:34 pm
To fill the doctor shortage caused by Obamacare, California…forced all plastic surgeons to do a day of “community service” in an E.R.
February 13th, 2013 at 5:35 pm
….sent out carts hauled by people yelling “Bring Out Your Dead”.
February 13th, 2013 at 5:35 pm
……requested drone strikes.
February 13th, 2013 at 5:49 pm
…started showing clips of Charles Dickens “A Christmas Carol” on TV where Scrooge says,
“If they would rather die, they had better do it, and decrease the surplus population of California.”
(That last part was dubbed-in by me, a George C. Scott sound-alike.)
February 13th, 2013 at 7:37 pm
@ Marc #41: Where’s the hat tip to Shirley Jackson?
http://www.americanliterature.com/author/shirley-jackson/short-story/the-lottery
February 13th, 2013 at 8:49 pm
Will simply outlaw sickness. Problem solved.
February 13th, 2013 at 9:12 pm
Will be fast tracking all applications for those wishing to open a leech farm
February 13th, 2013 at 9:42 pm
Import all those awesome Doctors from Cuba
February 13th, 2013 at 9:43 pm
Use an overseas call center to direct patients to do their own surgery
February 13th, 2013 at 10:26 pm
will make your next Dr or Emergency visit like something along the line of a trip to Golden Coral or what ever your local self serve restaurants is called. Just grab what you want and have it installed by the illegal on the left.
February 13th, 2013 at 10:43 pm
. . . will offer Medical Licenses instead of money to Lottery Winners.
February 13th, 2013 at 10:45 pm
. . . offer Internet Courses for medical degrees.
February 14th, 2013 at 1:07 am
…is trying to clone Neil Patrick Harris in order to create an army of Doogie Housers in a couple of years.
February 14th, 2013 at 7:26 am
@CTCompromise #74
…when the only tool you have is a hammer, all problems look like a nail.
February 14th, 2013 at 7:27 am
…prescribed reading IMAO (laughter is the best medicine)
February 15th, 2013 at 8:53 am
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