Trump: His real name’s Obamanov. He’s so Russkie he makes Vladimir Putin look like Lee Greenwood.

WASHINGTON D.C. (AP) – With former President Obama already reeling from accusations by President Trump that the Obama administration illegally tapped the phones in Trump Tower, President Trump unleashed more shocking news by announcing that he has come across an original copy of Obama’s birth certificate.

After spending years as a “birther” and constantly questioning the authenticity of the long-form birth certificate released by President Obama in 2011 Donald Trump put the issue to rest in 2016 when he said “President Barack Obama was born in the United States, period.”

Now, however, he has – with the assistance of Barack Obama’s half-brother Malik Obama – released a birth certificate of his own which Trump claims “will put the birth question to rest once and for all”.

“I’m a big, important, amazing man – big enough to admit when I’m wrong,” said Trump, “and boy was I wrong about Barack Obama being a natural-born citizen of the US. Let me tell you. But he’s not even from Kenya like everyone – and I mean everyone – keeps saying about him. Well, turns out he was born a citizen of the Soviet Union. That’s right, he’s Russian, like Vladimir Lenin, Joseph Stalin, or Ivan Drago.”

“Not just a Russian,” Trump continued, “but this was 1961 when he was born, so he was a dirty, commie, Soviet Russian. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Except for being a dirty commie. But now we have to wonder was he a hacker, too? Was Obama a Russian hacker? I don’t know, his birth certificate doesn’t say. But I’ve personally seen Obama, who is black, typing on a laptop like the black guy in Die Hard. Who was definitely a hacker. Coincidence? I don’t know. I don’t know.”

“And I don’t want to drag Obama’s kids into this,” continued Trump, “but he DID name his daughter Natasha, like a dirty commie would. He never had a son, but if he did, he would’ve been named Boris.”

“I don’t think Obama likes moose OR squirrels either,” Trump concluded, “but I don’t know for sure. His birth certificate doesn’t say.”