For every right wing lunatic in an Idaho cabin, there are 500 left wing lunatics with tenure at a state university.
— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) April 21, 2015
[gives wife flowers] Here, watch these die.
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) April 22, 2015
I'm not a doctor, but I am really good at being very late for anyone who's waiting on me.
— Michael (@Home_Halfway) April 23, 2015
My phone changed "nutrition" to "nachos." Autocorrect is my soulmate.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 24, 2015
A guy asked me to sign a petition that would ban petitions, but I didn't sign it. I hate petitions.
— Ron White (@Ron_White) April 24, 2015
Mortal Kombat has made it so that when I hear the word "fatality" on the news I'm never totally sure if it's sad or awesome.
— Twitnter Is Coming (@OhNoSheTwitnt) April 25, 2015