Well, 77-23, the ball is now in Bush’s court. The Democrats added that all diplomatic means must be exhausted before force is used, which I think means that all cruise missiles have to be used up before ground troops are sent in to finish off what’s left. Bush can now start the Iraqi kill’n whenever he wants, and hopefully he’ll do it soon. I guess he can wait for the U.N. Security Council to give approval, but that could be taken as an admission that their opinion matters. To me, the most efficient way would be to start bombing the crap out of Iraq now, but keep it a secret until we get approval from the U.N. Then we could pretend we did all that damage in one day and they’d be like, “Holy crap!” (U.N. people are gullible). So, now the question is how do we kill Saddam? We could just snipe him, but that’s boring. Another idea is to bomb the building he is in collapsing it all on top of him, but that makes it hard to confirm the body and thus leaves open the possibility of another sequel. My idea is to capture him live, tie him to some stakes in the middle of the desert, and then drop a nuclear bomb on him. Then Bush could appear on a worldwide broadcast saying, “That’s what happens when you mess with the U.S., foo’!” The Commies will probably pee their pants over that one.
Archive of entries posted on October 2002
Take One Last Look Before It’s All Blown Away
Iraq on Thursday allowed reporters into one of their factories that was suspected of developing nuclear arms. Gen. Hussan Mohammed Amin (do you get made fun of at school in the Middle East if you are not named Mohammed?) led the tour. “The only things we Iraqis make here is toothbrushes,” Amin told the reporters, “Deadly, deadly toothbrushes.” He then proceeded to laugh in an evil and suspicious manner.
“Why do you need so many toothbrushes?” asked one of the reporters, “I’ve talked to a number of Iraqis since I’ve been here, and I can tell you for sure that no one is using them.”
“Uh… did I say toothbrushes? I meant mustache combs,” Amin corrected, “Simple mustache combs; not made with plutonium.” He then started to laugh evilly again, but caught himself this time.
“Why are there signs cautioning of radioactivity everywhere?” asked another reporter.
“Uh… those are cautioning of fans. Yes, fans. Uh… some people don’t like air blown on them. They are very sensitive, you know.”
Amin then showed the reporters the various machines. “This one mixes the plastic. Uh… this one molds the plastic. And this one creates the housing for the radioactive material… uh, I mean– this one also does something involving… uh… what did I say… ah, yes… mustache combs. It is another mustache comb machine.”
“Will we get to see any of these mustache combs,” a reporter inquired.
Amin then pulled out a gun and shot the reporter plus another one behind him. “Let that be a lesson to you: if you question our mustache combs, I will kill you and the person next to you. Now, let’s go to the next mustache comb production room. There are many warheads lying on the ground, so be careful not to trip.”
They Must Be Easier to Win Than a Grammy
“Jimmy Carter Wins Nobel Peace Prize.” I’m still sleepy this morning, so maybe I’m just confused, but I think they gave Carter a Nobel Peace Prize for some reason. No, I don’t think it’s The Onion I’m reading. And it is the Nobel Peace Prize, not the Nobel Useless Idiot Prize or the Nobel Appeaser of Communists and Terrorists Prize. Wow, they actually placed Carter with such luminaries as… uh… Yasser Arafat. Well, at least they didn’t give him one for economics.
Links of the Day
You may (or may not) have noticed that I have been blogging a bit less lately. Things are busy at work so I haven’t had much time to blog or even follow the news during the day. Luckily, other people have stuff to read, too.
Rachel Lucas points out that if you don’t want to see your baby dead, don’t kill him or her. Abortion debate ensues.
And, when someone you disagree with plummets to their death, is that funny? Emperor Misha I thinks so, my arch-nemesis Scrappleface seems to think the same, and, of course, Laurence Simon finds it funny as well, but Alex Knapp says no. As for me, I say, “Mu-hah-hah-hah!”
Finally, Kim du Toit takes the Glock down a notch. It’s a great gun, but frankly I have a lot of trouble trusting my life to plastic.
The Debate Ends, the Kill’n Begins
They finally took my advice and quit the stupid debate about Iraq. The House passed the resolution to give Bush the power to kill evil foreigners that he so desperately needs. Old man Byrd tried to keep debate going in the Senate, but, just as rhetoric was careening out of control, he suddenly cried, “Ahh! My hip!” and fell to the floor. The Senate then voted 75-25 to close the stupid debate and kill the bastards, with even the weasely Dashcle now on board – probably for some evil reason that will be revealed later. Now, if we still care about the U.N. (it does let other countries pretend there involved in decision making), all we have to do convince the French (who are easily intimidated) and the Russians (who are easily bought). Then all that sweet sweet Iraqi oil is ours and we can subsequently eliminate the competition by blowing up Saudi Arabia with Iraq’s WMD as we always planned. Oh, and I guess we can responsible and everything and establish some sort of democracy in the remaining rubble. Don’t tell any Europeans about all this, though; those dinks will probably just freak out.
This Further Proves My Theory: Germans Love Saddam Hussein
I knew it. “Peaceful” Germany has been behind Iraq’s arming all along. Two German business men were arrested for using measures to bypass the Iraqi embargo and help Iraq build a supercannon. Yeah, a supercannon. All Saddam needs is a cat to hold in his lap as he makes demands to the world and he could be a supervillain. If we don’t act against Iraq soon, it could become a problem that only James Bond could solve. But no, Congress still needs to debate the issue as Saddam builds his supercannon and also perhaps a weather machine and a laser armed space station. I know I have been making this same point everyday, but we have to get moving; it’s not like the longer we take the nicer Saddam gets and the more kittens he saves from trees. I’m starting to wonder if the congressmen delaying the vote on war are also in cahoots… and maybe also the people who voted for them. I say arrest them all to be on the safe side.
And, if we find out that Germany has really been helping Iraq out on all this, then that’s their third strike. We break them up for good this time.
Link of the Day
Make sure to read this tribute to our servicemen (thanks to Bill Quick for pointing me to it).
Who’s Our Bitch Now?
I haven’t said much about the Maryland sniper as I don’t find anything very funny about that situation (if you want someone who’ll push the limits of good taste, go to Amish Tech Support), but here’s something worth mentioning: it hasn’t caused a big push for new anti-gun legislation. It seems like the perfect event to cause anti-gun hysteria as there is a deranged madman who is going around shooting people. It’s the horrible tragedy that liberals have always warned would happen! Hey, maybe if we had laws to keep people from having rifles, he’d only be able to take out his anger on neighborhood cats! Let’s start taking away everyone’s guns now while they’re scared and not thinking critically! But no serious politician is making those arguments. Why? Because we’re winning, that’s why. An election is near, and the politicians are too scared of us to try and pass any more idiotic gun laws. Maybe it’s because of our powerful arguments or because of the vast gun lobby or because we all have lots of guns and ammo and know how to use them, but, whatever it is, politicians piss their pants at the thought of crossing us. Yeah, that’s right, us gun-nuts now own Congress! For our first trick, we made the liberals shut up; now, let’s make them dance! Dance, our monkeys, dance! Bwa ha ha ha!
A Question of No Importance
Apropos to nut’n, were the can and the can opener invented simultaneously? I figure someone didn’t invent the can opener first and then said, “Hey, we’ve got this great opener, now let’s invent something it can open.” If that didn’t happen, and they were not both made at the same time, that means that, after the first man successful sealed food inside a can, he stood a long while just staring at it wondering, “Now how the hell do I get it out of there? Now this seems like such a dumb idea, because I’m hungry.” I know that if someone had taken my food, sealed it inside a can, and didn’t have a way of getting it out, I’d be pretty pissed.
Do It For Little Timmy
I just checked my map of the Middle East this morning… Iraq is still there! What gives! Congress is actually still debating an attack! What the hell are we paying them for! Each day Saddam lives, it is a profanity to you, to your family, to your neighbors, to that snot-nosed kid who lives down the street, and to baby Jesus. But all they can do is talk talk talk, when they should be letting our trigger fingers do the talking. At this rate, when we finally cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war, the dogs are going to be old and have hip problems and just want to nap. And, then we’ll have to explain to little Timmy that we need to put them down, and little Timmy will not understand. Little Timmy will start crying, “Please, mister, don’t kill my war dogs!” and it will be a mess. But Democrats, who laugh at little Timmy’s tears, are still dragging their feet. They’re afraid the resolution is too broad and then Bush will use it to go attack Portugal or something. Who cares? And then some, like Sen. Carl Levin, want us to wait for U.N. Security Council approval before we do anything. That’s right; before we can defend our national security and keep Timmy’s war dogs fetching sticks, Levin wants us to get the approval of the frogs! Why doesn’t the guy just come out and admit he hates the sovereignty of the U.S. and never cared for apple pie? Why does he even act like he cares about the security of the American people when its so obvious he doesn’t? Who elects these loons?
Man, now they’ve drawn me into the debate. Okay, no more talking, unless its orders on where to drop the bombs.
Links of the Day
Kim du Toit points out some big anti-gun hypocrisy (then again, you can’t swing a dead cat these days without hitting anti-gun hypocrisy).
Andrea Harris makes me realize I’ve been spelling “wacko” wrong all this time. I’m sorry.
Finally, I somehow missed this on The Spoons Experience from a number of days ago. It’s the most powerful optical illusion I think I’ve ever seen. I will never trust my eyes ever again.
I Am the Greatest Blogger Ever!
John Hawkins made a list of best blogs based on the votes of 22 different bloggers, and I made honorable mention! Considering who is on the top fifteen, that’s pretty cool. Yeah, it’s probably some freak occurence and wouldn’t have happened with a larger sample, but I’ll take it.
Just in Case You Forgot: Other Countries Are Stupid
I tried hating the Germans for a change, but it just didn’t work out. I’m going back to hating the goddamn frogs. This poll in France had Israel ranked as the second biggest threat to world peace. Surprisingly, it was Iraq ranked number one and not America (perhaps they were too scared to list us). Rounding out the top five were Syria, Iran, and bathing daily. The French have some of the most screwed up values; I’d let a shoplifting eight year old sermonize me before a Frenchman (is that an oxymoron?). I hear the poll results had a significant margin of error, though, as many of the French, upon hearing the names of all the scary countries to choose from, ended up surrendering to the pollster instead of answering the question.
Also, though Tony Blair has been cool lately, I must point out that a lot of Brits are still idiots. Apparently this conversation happened in London at some point:
“We’ve banned handguns and now crime has gone up. I wonder why that happened?”
“I know! We forgot to ban replica guns!”
“Cheerio! Let’s ban replica guns and then have tea and crumpets!”
Yeah, they tried banning fake guns. They’re getting killed with real ones, and they’re worried about replica firearms! The Home Office decided that the legislation was too complicated so it got shelved, but what about the legislation being one of the most retarded ideas man has ever conceived? God, that is pathetic. I remember a debate in Britain over whether the police should be able to carry tasers. It’s like they all want to be killed by criminals. Luckily we have some sense here in America; if someone tried to take my replica gun or taser, I’d shoot them – and I don’t even have a replica gun or a taser. That’s just how much more freedom we have here in America.
October Surprise
I watched Bush’s speech last night, and, though it was good and straight to the point, it was all stuff we already knew. I thought it would have been awesome if he ended with some huge surprise.
“So, with everything I have outlined, it seems that Iraq is our biggest threat… but then I looked further into the issue. Where was Iraq getting all its funding? Where were they getting their intelligence data? Who was behind Saddam and his push for evil?” Bush then pointed to Gerhard Schroeder who sat among them in the audience. “It was Germany behind this all along! That’s why I use this opportunity not to declare war on Iraq, but on Germany!”
“This is absurd!” Schroeder exclaimed, trying to look shocked, “You unilateralist Americans have finally gone insane.”
“Germany never gave up their evil Nazi ways,” Bush continued, staring at the evil Schroeder, “They just hid them, using Iraq as their patsy as they pretended all they were interested in were making quality automobiles. But, the truth is, Schroeder is the son of Hitler and Saddam is his illegitimate half brother!”
“Lies! Lies!” Schroeder yelled, rising to his feet. He could then see that no one else believed him, his Hitler evil too obvious. He then began to laugh, a laugh of pure evil that curdled one’s blood. “We’ll bury you America! We’ll bury you all!” He then was propelled skyward by a jetpack hidden under his coat, crashing through the skylight for his escape.
I’m not saying the speech was bad; I’m just saying it should have had a bit more theatrics if it’s going to play in a prime time slot.
Links of the Day
Lot’s of good reading today. Here’s just a little bit of what was worthwhile today.
My arch-nemesis Scrappleface reports on Democrats’ worst fears.
Laurence Simon has now banned the Irish and dogs from his website. I, personally, could never ban the Irish because they made Guinness (plus I’m half Mick myself… and that’s the funny half). And, if any dogs have been able to surf to my site, I want to tell you that you’re a good, good boy. Who wants a treat?
There are two things in this world you can never have too much of: love and ammo. In celebration of that, Kim du Toit and Mrs. du Toit have started National Ammo Day. On November 19th, make sure to go out and buy 100 rounds of ammunition in support of the 2nd Amendment.
Finally, Rachel Lucas, who is better than any of you deserve and I am deeply indebted to for her help in setting up my new site, slowly and carefully explains guns to stupid people.