“But we need that tax cut to spurn the economy,” Bush pleaded.
“It’s just a tax cut for the rich!” Senator Tom Daschle responded, “It will only help the rich!”
“Liar! Liar! Liar!” Bush shouted back, “It will give money…”
Daschle covered his ears. “La la la! Not listening! Just a tax cut for the rich! La la la!”
“That’s it!” Bush screamed, “I’m going to stab you with this letter opener!”
Daschle ran out of Bush’s office, almost knocking over Condoleezza Rice on the way out. “Quick, Condi, hold him so I can stab him with my letter opener!” Bush called out.
“I’m not you secretary, Dubya,” Condi answered angrily, “It’s not my job to hold people while you stab them… and that’s not a letter opener – it’s a switchblade.”
“A switchblade can open letters,” Bush said, tossing the knife such that it stuck in the far wall. “I need your help, Condi; I have to get the economy improved to help win reelection.”
“I’m your National Security Advisor, President Jackass,” Rice answered, “If it doesn’t involve killing foreigners, it’s not my problem.”
“Hey, if the economy causes me to lose my reelection, then you’re out of job her and back to stripping at the Eager Beaver.”
“I never was a stripper!” Rice exclaimed.
“Hmm… that must have just been a product of my overactive imagination. Anyway, do you have any ideas?”
“Don’t you have some economic advisor?”
“Hell, I don’t know. There are all sorts of people who come up to me and say stuff during the day, I don’t understand what half of them are talking about.”
“Well, I do have one idea,” Rice told him, “You know how those Democrats fled Texas?”
“Yeah, what a bunch of pussies,” Bush chuckled, “Wouldn’t have happened during my term; I would have had Walker kick them all in the heads.”
“If you can get the Democrats in Congress to similarly flee to Canada, I can set up a task force to hunt them down and kill them.”
“That’s brilliant!” Bush exclaimed, “So all I have to do is scare them all into fleeing to Canada.”
Laura Bush then entered the room. “You’re not talking to that National Security Whore again, are you George?”
“But she had a great idea to help with the economy.”
“She was just trying to get you to drop your guard so she could trick you into nuking Finland again.”
“No I wasn’t!” Rice protested as she hid an unsigned executive order behind her back.
“What do you have against Finland anyway?” Laura asked.
“That’s between me and Finland,” Rice said angrily as she left the room.
“Hey, honey, I’ve wanting to talk to you,” Bush said softly.
“What about?”
“Can I get a katana like Morpheus?”
“But you already have a katana like the guy from Highlander!” Laura said with exasperation, “How many katanas do you need?”
“Just one more; I swear! Oh, and I had another idea. You know how President Kennedy stopped wearing a hat and then set the style for everyone? I was thinking that to my next press conference I could wear a black trench coat and sunglasses and maybe that would catch on.”
“I knew letting you see Matrix Reloaded was a bad idea. And it’s not like letting you land on an aircraft carrier has given you enough crazy ideas.”
“What?” Bush smiled, “You saying you didn’t like seeing me in that flight suit?”
“No, I didn’t mean that,” Laura answered, starting to giggle, “You think maybe you have time to put that back on and…”
“There is no time for that, woman,” echoed a voice throughout the room. The shadows in the room slowly merged into the form of Karl Rove. “We have work to do.”
“Hey, great you’re here, Rover,” Bush said, “I’ve been wanting to ask you a question: Who do you think will win American Idol? The big black dude or the little gay dude?”
“That’s of no concern to me,” Rove uttered darkly, “Now have your woman leave so we may talk business.”
“I’ve never heard such condescension!” Laura exclaimed, “I’m going to give you such a talking to after I check if my brownies are done, by golly.” Laura then stormed out of the room.
“You have plans to destroy the Democrats?” Rove asked hopefully, “Perhaps it is time for the prophecies to be fulfilled.”
“Yeah, maybe that or something!” Bush said excitedly, “We’re going to scare the Democrats into Canada.” He then yelled, “Ari!”
“What?” Ari Fleischer asked as he arrived at the door.
“Hey! Were you eating my cheetos?”
“No,” Ari said, wiping an orange substance off his mouth, “What do you want?”
“We need to find something to scare the Democrats away. What are they scared of?”
“Well… they’re scared of guns, cigarettes, loud noises, people spending their own money, certain spiders…”
“No, I mean what really like frightens them and keeps them up at night?”
“The thought of blacks getting educations, good jobs, and then voting Republican?” Ari ventured.
“Whatever it is, I need you to convince all the Democrats to flee to Canada.”
“I’ll try.”
“And I’ll use my dark powers to assist you,” Rove said before fading back into the shadows.
“So is that guy part of your cabinet or something?” Ari asked, “I never really understood his function.”
“I think he’s my boss,” Bush answered, looking around the room, “Where did I put my switchblade?”
“So there is nothing that the Democrats can do to keep us from getting our tax cuts,” Ari announced to the press, “Nothing can stop us.”
“Nothing at all?” asked a reporter.
“Well, nothing… unless they fled to Canada,” Ari said, “but that would be a bold move, and they would never do it. Instead they’ll stay here in D.C., where there is soon going to be a big march of the AAGO, the Association of Angry Gun Owners.”
“Isn’t it illegal for people to march around D.C. carrying guns?”
“Bah! Laws are for those who don’t have guns!”
“Is this all a trick so that you can slaughter the Democrats in mass after they have left U.S. soil?” asked a reporter. Suddenly darkness surrounded him and he burst into flames.
“New rule,” Ari announced, “If you spontaneously combust, I don’t have to answer your question.”
“Why is it that when it seems that a reporter is getting close to the truth,” one reporter stated, “He then is killed by some demonic force and…” A thought struck the reporter, and he suddenly became frightened. “Forget what I was just saying; I have a different question. Uh… does the president like kittens?”
“Yes, he finds them cute and easy to throw.”
“Since the terrorists who committed the bombings in Saudi Arabia are probably from Saudi Arabia, why haven’t nuked the crap out of the area in retaliation?” asked a Fox News reporter.
“That wouldn’t really be the diplomatic way to handle things.”
“I then have a follow up question: why are you such a homo?”
“”You think you can intimidate me with your pouty lips and your short skirt?” Ari shot back angrily, “We may not be as violent as you want, but we’re plenty warmongering.” Ari noticed protestors outside. “See, I’ll go beat up a protestor with his own sign. I’ll splatter some blood on a ‘No Blood for Oil’ sign; that will be ironic… or would it be ironic if I splattered oil on it?”
“Maybe you need to get both blood and oil on it for irony,” suggested one reporter.
“You want a piece of me too!” Ari shouted back. He then stormed outside to meet the protestors. “Bush is Hitler… Bush is Hitler… Bush is Hitler…” Ari said, reading the signs, “Bush is Stalin!?”
“Stalin was actually responsible for more deaths than Hitler,” the protestor explained, “I thought it was a more powerful statement of Bush’s evil.”
“Are you belittling Communism?” shouted another protestor angrily. The “Bush is Stalin” protestor was then pummeled by a number of “Bush is Hitler” signs.
“Whoa, I’m staying out of this one,” Ari said, backing up. He then looked to a nearby reporter. “You have any news feed? Have the Democrats fled to Canada yet?”
“Only a few so far.”
Ari sighed and started walking off. “Well, I got a bottle of Jack Daniels at home that isn’t going to drink itself.”
The FOX reporter isn’t as funny as she was the first time.
Bush throwing a switchblade into the wall was pretty funny. And Karl Rove is great!
“We need to find something to scare the Democrats away. What are they scared of?”
“Well… they’re scared of guns, cigarettes, loud noises, people spending their own money, certain spiders…”
“No, I mean what really like frightens them and keeps them up at night?”
“The thought of blacks getting educations, good jobs, and then voting Republican?” Ari ventured.
That was hilarious.
Yep, the “… The thought of blacks getting educations, good jobs, and then voting Republican?” Ari ventured.” was a good one. Another fave:
“She was just trying to get you to drop your guard so she could trick you into nuking Finland again.”
“No I wasn’t!” Rice protested as she hid an unsigned executive order behind her back.
“What do you have against Finland anyway?” Laura asked.
“That’s between me and Finland,” Rice said angrily as she left the room.
Tune in for another episode of … As the In my World turns …
explain to me how the machines got a 25min blurb about how boring and deserving Zion needs to be destroyed is into an otherwise great Matrix movie. Is this part of their evil plan to get movie goers to leave the movie so we wont see how their ass is going to get kicked?
Oh my God, Ari Fleischeris resigning!! Noooooo. Just when I was starting to enjoy his press conferences.
By RON FOURNIER
The Associated Press
Monday, May 19, 2003; 9:21 AM
WASHINGTON – White House press secretary Ari Fleischer, the public face of the Bush administration through two wars and a terrorist attack, said Monday he will resign in July to enter the private sector. His replacement will likely be deputy press secretary Scott McLellan.
“I’ve decided my time has come to leave the White House,” Fleischer said in a telephone interview.
The spokesman said he wanted to leave the hard-driving job before President Bush’s re-election campaign geared up.
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Good job Frank. I don’t know why you had to give Rove evil powers. He’s better than the Dem’s campaign guy even without being in league with Sauron or whoever. Giving him extra power just makes it more like having Barry Bonds batting against that Almonte kid from Brooklyn.
Carolyn- The machines are obviously from Palestine.
Ah, crap; I was hoping you were joking but I just looked it up on cnn.com.
So what exactly did Condi do at the Eager Beaver?
Just remember Frank, it’s YOUR world. Ari doesn’t HAVE to retire in YOUR world!! And on the topic of kittens being cute and easy to throw – well now I have yet another reason to vote for Bush in 2004. I think he could campaign quite solidly on a platform of Democrat banishment to Canada and kitten tossing.
“Bah! Laws are for those who don’t have guns!”
Yeah, that says about enough . . . heh
Heh, no one has considered the obvious reason for Ari going private industry….Kar..I mean Bush, needs a special ops hitman to take the media’s eyes off of the ‘Rumsfeld Strangler’.
When do we get to see the animosity between Laura and Condi spill over into a lightsaber duel?
Mmmmm… Condoleeza Rice with a lightsaber…
Association of Angry Gun Owners – That’s hilarious, I would join that.
That would be cool to start up. We could lobby Congress by sending bullets in the mail with their names on it.
Great stuff Frank, as always. But I think they’re getting too long. Perhaps a tiny bit of editing is needed…
Too long?!! I’m waiting for the screenplay!!!
I can see a duel between Condi and Laura. Condi tries to subdue Laura with some kind of subsonic stun gun type gadget, but it doesn’t work because Laura’s empathy-strong nervous system is already accustomed to processing such vibrations (esp. in children and pets). So Condi tries to summon evil demons, by reading from a Satanic text, to pull Laura’s hair…, but it doesn’t work because Laura can’t be affected by any literature that hasn’t been catalogued within the Dewey Decimal System. So then Condi…okay I’ll stop.
There will be no Condi/Laura catfight; they’re both too civilized for that.
Hi, please ignore the first empty post.
Frank, you must know the power you have when the first thing I think of when I hear that Ari is retiring is that I won’t be seeing him in IMAO anymore. I agree with Mike the Marine, though. You can still have Ari make appearances, but I had an idea. How about have Buck the Marine (you know, Mike’s brother 🙂 )take over for Ari? His dead-pan, polite, bloodthirstiness could be funny playing off the clueless reporters, and there’s no doubt that the Fox News Reporter would get majorly turned on by him. There could be some comic gold in that alone. What do you think?
AAGO!!! HAH HAH HAH!
Where do I join?!?
“got a bottle of Jack Daniels that won’t drink itself”
Thank you Frank!!!!!!!!
Brandi, I’ve actually thought of having Buck give Press Secretary a go, but in the end I’ll adapt to whomever the real replacement is.
My favorite part had to be:
“No, I mean what really like frightens them and keeps them up at night?”
“The thought of blacks getting educations, good jobs, and then voting Republican?” Ari ventured.
Hilarious!
I also like the way you portray Karl Rove (I swear liberals seem to believe Rove is just like that), and Condi and the executive order bit was good, too.
Perhaps the funniest (and most truthful) thing you have ever written. I almost had a seizure just contemplating how funny that bit is.
“The thought of blacks getting educations, good jobs, and then voting Republican?” Ari ventured.”
Granted, that was DAMN funny but for me,
‘The shadows in the room slowly merged into the form of Karl Rove. “We have work to do.”‘
I LOVE that!
And NO, it’s NOT too long! MORE! In fact, I propose that you and Bill Whittle do nothing more than write all day, every day. No sleep, you will be fed intravenously and those “breaks” will be handled. Just keep writing.
Frank,
I have to say that you could sell your skits to SNL. Although they are liberal in their views.. perhaps they will decide that they were wrong all along when they read “My World”. Good job.
Thor
-Stat Crux dum vulvitore orbis.
I just hope that Ari’s replacement is Bob Dornan. Now THERE’S grist for the griddle!! (whatever that means…)
Ari’s Departure was Foretold in the Prophecy. It is of no concern.
For in the Book of the Ancients this Doom is written, that the Man Who Speaks With the Deceiving Tongue to the Fools Who Know Not shall in this time yield that Another May Rise in His Place.
Or something. I’m going out for Doritos.
Meanwhile, expect Ari to vacation for 6 months or so, then come back with a Vengenece when CAMPAIGN 2004 starts to heat up. THAT is the real significance of this announcement.
Oh, and Condi with a lightsaber–ultimate cool. Though she would never fight Laura, they are after all both on the Good Side, even if they don’t personally mesh well.
Does anyone else think Karl Rove is an AWFUL LOT like Emperor Palpaptine?
This is a real gem:
“Is this all a trick so that you can slaughter the Democrats in mass after they have left U.S. soil?” asked a reporter. Suddenly darkness surrounded him and he burst into flames.
So even without the Rumsfeld Strangler, Bush’s administration still masters the dark arts!!
You’re lucky, I sense no theft here. But just you wait!
“Yes, he finds them cute and easy to throw.”
I love cats, but this made me laugh out loud.
Just imagining a kitten flying through the Oval Office with its little eyes big and round… heeheeheehee
To repeat what so many others said, I also just loved the part about the Dems’ worst nightmare (blacks getting educations, etc). The funniest stuff is what has the most truth in it. (That’s why Bill Cosby’s humor is great. And yours.)
I have read your stupid story, I have looked at the threads generated, and can only make one conclusion… you are ALL idiots.
note to person-with-a-brain; it actually requires a brain to tear oneself away from the tv and not be a news-zombie that believes everything Dan and co tell us. (“Remember, the best BS is CBS”.) now, as to the AAGO; Chomps will be the mascot, right?