“Today marks President Dean’s first one hundred days in office, and it certainly has been an interesting time,” Wolf Blitzer commented.
“And to think that no one thought he could win the presidency against George W. Bush with the economy so strong and the War on Terror doing so well,” Paula Zahn remarked.
“It has been analyzed to death by now,” Wolf responded, “and most say the factors that lead to Bush’s downfall and Dean’s rise to power are quite numerous. One would be that people started to lose trust in Bush after Paul O’Neill said that Bush had planned the attack on Iraq even before 9/11.”
“Even before his presidency,” Paula added.
“Yes. It was found that he had mapped out plans for an invasion of Iraq in a third grade book report on Charlotte’s Web.”
“And he didn’t get a good grade on that book report, did he?” Paula asked.
“No. He didn’t,” Wolf confirmed, “The plans for a war with Iraq was a bit of a non sequitur and didn’t expand on the relationship between the spider Charlotte and the pig Wilbur… which most pundits think is what the teacher was looking for.”
“And then there was the lost campaigning times.”
“True,” Wolf said, “He lost two months of campaigning when he got his head stuck in the banister of the White House stairway.”
“Laura always warned him about playing on the stairway,” Paula commented.
“That’s what she said.”
“And, I guess another factor was the loss of any positive coverage of the Bush candidacy upon the destruction of Fox News.”
“Quite a boon for us,” Wolf chuckled. “It was quite a surprise, though, when Bill O’Reilly’s unchecked ego grew so large that it actually gained mass, finally becoming so immense that it collapsed upon itself and pulled all of Fox News into a black hole. Thus, only our liberal slant was left to ‘inform’ the American public.”
“And we can admit that we’re liberal now that we have no real competitor,” Paula smiled.
“Hence our new slogan: ‘We control what you know, and thus we control what you think.'”
“You are being brainwashed by CNN,” Paula said, imitating James Earl Jones’s deep voice. Both then chuckled for a few moments until breaking down into full out maniacal laughter.
“Back to what we were talking about,” Paula remarked, wiping away tears, “the final factor that probably brought Dean over the top was the mysterious addition of LSD to America’s water supply.”
“Yes, most experts think that’s what finally moved a bunch of the undecided to pull the lever – or pull whatever their drug-addled minds thought they were pulling – for Howard Dean.”
“And it certainly was an awkward transition,” Paula stated.
“Yes. Dick Cheney had yet another heart attack upon hearing that Howard Dean had won the election. Donald Rumsfeld fought back violently and had to be tranquilized before being removed from office. And Condoleezza Rice mysteriously disappeared… presumably into some secret underground lair to plot revenge.”
“And President Dean’s first action in office was quite controversial.”
“It sure was,” Wolf replied. “His withdrawing of all troops from Iraq and reinstating Saddam as leader caused quite a stir, but he said it was the moral choice since the war was wrong in the first place. And now Saddam has vowed to make his previous mass graves look well… less mass in comparison to his new murder spree of his own citizens.”
“It’s great to see he’s still got spirit after the loss of his two sons,” Paula commented.
“Another controversial action was his repeal of the Bush tax cuts.”
“Apparently some selfish people don’t like paying taxes,” Paula said.
“Selfish, selfish people, Paula,” Wolf answered. “But now, to mark his hundred days in office, he is going to broker a peace deal between the Israelis and Palestinians. Let’s go there live.”
They both sat their silently for a moment. “Apparently we don’t have a live feed,” Wolf said, “Well, let’s just go to a commercial. Those pay more.”
“If you want peace, you’ll have to make some concessions,” President Howard Dean told the Israelis. “You have to honor the Palestinian cultural tradition, and part of that tradition is killing Jews.”
“Joooos!” shouted the Palestinian negotiator.
“Now, the Palestinians will agree to a Jew-killing limit each month,” Dean explained, “and, as long as they don’t exceed that limit by a large margin, you can’t attack back.”
Sharon looked defeated. “I guess we have no option since you threaten to withdraw all U.S. support and sell arms to the Palestinians if we don’t comply.” Sharon was about to sign the agreement, but then he noticed a strange clause. “What this about a bike path through Jerusalem?”
“What? We didn’t agree to that either?” the Palestinian negotiator exclaimed.
“I didn’t think either of you would mind,” Dean said, a little stunned by the objection, “It’s a great place for a bike path.”
“Not through the holy land!” Sharon yelled.
“We won’t let this happen either,” said the Palestinian.
“Not another religious objection to a bike path!” Dean screamed. He then grabbed the peace proposal and ripped it in two. “No bike path, no peace!”
Dean stared out the window of Air Force One. “Nuke them. Nuke them both.”
“But we’ll kill millions of innocent people!” Dean’s Chief of Staff exclaimed.
“Any being that would oppose a bike path is not a person in my eyes!” Dean said adamantly.
“But the rest of the world will object!”
“Then nuke them as well!” Dean shouted. “Nuke any country that opposes my bike path!”
His Chief of Staff recoiled in horror. “You’re insane!”
Dean pulled out a gun and shot the man through the face. “Do not question me or my bike paths!” he screamed at everyone on the plane, the veins bulging out the side of his neck. “Now nuke them! NUKE THEM ALL! SOON ALL THE WORLD WILL BE MY BIKE PATH! MUH HA HA HA!”
May 3, 2005
Hello to whom I estimate to be my eight surviving readers. The Bike Path War did not last long. When the U.S. sent nukes at Israel and the Palestinians, it also preemptively attacked Europe and Asia. All nuclear countries quickly responded. France nuked itself to try and preempt any attacks against them. North Korea launched its entire arsenal, some having enough range to even reach outside of its own borders. Other countries were more accurate, and now the entire world lies in ruins. The last image I saw before television went out was of Howard Dean, an insane smile on his face as he peddled over the smoldering ruins of the former world. Damn his eyes!
Most of the internet, and, more importantly, the blogosphere has been destroyed, only my blog and Instapundit still remain. Since there are no news feeds to read, Instapundit consists solely of empty quotes followed by either “Heh” or “Indeed”. Glenn Reynolds has gone mad, I tell you, mad! And that’s not just sour grapes because he still gets twenty times the hits I do.
Sorry to not be too funny today, but I’m in quite a dour mood after I had to use the last of my shotgun shells to fend off radioactive monkeys from the bag of oranges I found. I live like Mad Max now, scavenging the remains of the former world just to survive – except I drive a silver Hyundai Accent and I didn’t have the heart to cut one arm off my leather jacket. It’s been a while since I’ve seen another normal human being. As predicted, the main survivors of the nuclear attack were cockroaches, monkeys, and ninjas. Also, hardcore Dean supporters roam the streets like zombies, wearing black robes and eating the skin of any one they capture. How they remained so unchanged by the nuclear blast, I do not know.
What should have been obvious at the election of Dean is now punctuated by the scratching of the monkeys of my door and the moans of the Dean supporters wandering the streets: God has forsaken us… if He existed in the first place.
What is real is the .45 automatic that sits on my lap. I live now but to survive, but I know I can’t last much longer. The human race is destined to die, but, if I have any say, we will not go out with a whimper. I vow not to give up the ghost until I am out of ammo and my gun is beaten to pieces against those damnable monkeys’ heads.
And, if I’m alive tomorrow, expect a hilarious Know Thy Enemy: Radioactive Monkeys followed by some Frank Answers™.
Damn! The door has given way!
WHY HATH THOU FORSAKEN ME!!!
“Hey, Gabriel, you got to see this!” God commandeth.
“Why? What?” questioned the angel Gabriel.
“I’ve almost finished my new universe,” sayeth the Lord, “This one has seven spatial dimensions and two temporal. This should solve all the parking problems in my previous universes. It’s totally sweet.”
“That’s great,” answered the angel Gabriel, “but you should check your answering machine. It’s filled with prayers from Earth.”
“D’oheth!” spoke the Lord, slapping his omnipotent forehead, “I was so absorbed in making this new universe I totally flaked out and forgot all about Earth. So… uh… anything interesting happen there?”
lol..first!
lol..first!
SOMEone around here read Scappleface. 🙂
nice! frank you have outdone yourself. the only way to improve your blog now is by linking to me.
I believe the “first” thing comes from Ain’t It Cool News.
D’oheth!
Shit, that’s funny.
Please tell me God will put the world back so that Rummy the strangler can get back to work.
I believe the “first” thing comes from Ain’t It Cool News.
Whoops…..I never read that. Sorry, my bad. I retract my comment and burn a fatted monkey to appease Frank.
AHAHAHAHROFLROFLROFL that’s great . . ..
Want to know something that’s NOT funny? this
This was not funny. It was SCARY BEYOND REASON. Please, Frank, don’t joke like this! A world wear Dean rules is a world where there is no rules.
I did think the Bike Path War was funny, though.
Frank! Great stuff, now are you saying Dean supporters are like zombies from Resident Evil, and I can walk around shooting them, or are they cockroaches?!?!? Doesn’t matter… either way your right =). Its scary cause Dr. Dean is a pyscho, and would do everything you said…. Sad really!
Keep up the great work! I drive little commies mad with your stuff.
Morning Roundup
I don’t do this much, but I’m going to link to a few other blogs that have interesting content this morning, because frankly…I’ve got nothin’. Hopefully, there’ll be a Daily Orange column or something that I can make fun of…
ha. LOl. continue on the canoe sir.
Radioactive monkeys? Just the thought drives me to the very edge of sanity! So when is the second installment?
why aren’t the ninjas dying, thats not fair i want not dying in nuclear war powers. must kill them all and steal their power
May 2005.
The editor lurks where radioactive monkeys fear to tread. Speaking of monkeys, I believe that as a result of your vision I’m going to fill my utility trailer with shotgun shells. Carrying enough .45 rounds to deal with hordes of monkeys would be tough!
Potential fact is often scarier than the wildest fiction, ain’t it?
An infinite number of monkeys might explain the songs for Dean website.
Frank J. is back and better than ever!
This new ‘In My World’ is full of classicicity! “And, I guess another factor was the lost of any positive coverage of the Bush candidacy upon the destruction of Fox News.” “Quite a boon for us,” Wolf chuckled. “It was…
Well, in Sept 2001 I lost my job. I looked for 6 months nonstop for employment only to find nothing. After working jobs making minimum wage I finally got a job in my field (winter 2002), of a Computer Support Technician. It was only a temporary job, that lasted a month, and then they layed me off.
I had to pay Cobra fee’s for health insurance of 500 dollars a month, which you can imagine was stressful for a husband who didn’t have a job.
I nearly lost everything.
But finally in April 2002 my hard work payed off! I found the job of my lifetime working at a local utility. It was doing my computer job, has wonderful benefits, and I’m pretty sure its the job that I am going to retire from. And I’m only 24. I have great health insurance, great pay, and my world is seriously happy. I’ve only gotten more, and done better since the economy started picking up. I guess thats just one of the reasons that I’m voting bush in 2004. Oh, and that Dem’s are crazy.
One last note. I did all that without government help. On my own. When I worked harder, it payed off.
oops….crap.
Good one, Frank. I just hope that I get some special mutant powers from the radiation. How sweet would that be?
Ooooooooo mutant powers…..
Well, you know, God is on our side….
I’m sorry Frank. This just isn’t possible. Not even in the most twisted and fevered nightmares that Hillary’s minions could dream up could something like this happen.
You have a liberal not only holding a gun, but using it as well.
Now maybe if Dean had used some soul stealing liberal hippy speak to confuse and stun his Chief of Staff before Dean bent him over an alter and sacrificed him to Bill Clinton or something I could have believed it.
But a liberal using a gun? Na, I don’t buy it.
I’m going to have to start buying monitors wholesale.
“D’oheth!” spoke the Lord, slapping his omnipotent forehead, “I was so absorbed in making this new universe I totally flaked out and forgot all about Earth. So… uh… anything interesting happen there?”
LMAO. That’s. Awesome.
“No bike path, no peace!”
You should post a DRINK ALERT before someone sues IMAO for sprayed-monitor syndrome. Or at least inform Windex why it’s had a spike in sells–might be an advertising opportuniy for them here.
I can almost see it. Dean, in his white Hathaway dress shirt and Levi Dockers, with matching “Hello Kitty” kneepads, elbowpads and bicycle helmet, on his restored vintage 1963 Swhwinn cruiser with the tank light in the front and the red bullet-shaped generator light on the back fender. His wife and child follow along on mopeds, wearing burquas to prevent being seen.
Is it just me, or is he as secretive about his family as Jacko? Perhaps there is some perverse link… Or perhaps not.
OMG! I laughed so hard, wonderful story. Eerie though, I really can picture Dean nuking someone over a bikepath.
What kind of BS is THIS? Damn you Frank, I thought you said these Nuke the Moon T-Shirts would protect us from radioactive fallout!
If they don’t work how else are us members of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy going to rise up out of the ashes and cement control after the nuclear holocaust? Damn. Another plan ruined. ;>
“D’oheth!” spoke the Lord, slapping his omnipotent forehead Oh, that is great, God is a Simpson fan. I need to tell my pastor, he believes they are of the Devil.
ninjas surviving the nukes I can understand. Just watch some G.I.Joe (not the movie, it blew) Snake Eye and Storm Shadow could survive anything. I still cannot figure out if Snake Eye was a ghost or what.
Now I want to go home and play Fallout.
Amazing story but what exactly becomes of Canada?
The reason I ask is because the second Don Blabber or others anounce Dean has won I am heading there or Australia.
Noting would make me leave America. I stay and fight!
“I vow not to give up the ghost until I am out of ammo.”
Blasphemus AND funny. How do you do it?
Also, hardcore Dean supporters roam the streets like zombies, wearing black robes and eating the skin of any one they capture.
That’s what we get for scoffing when Dean released his polling results showing a substantial lead among the Morlock demographic…
Rick
HAHAHAHA wow, your the man, your the man
President Dean?
Frank J looks into an alternate future in which Howard Dean wins the Presidency (after the entire population is fed LSD, which is about what would be required in my estimation). The results are grim indeed… As predicted, the main…
Yes, I just want to thank my parents, all my friends, my teachers, and I especially want to thank HITLER.
Future Shock
Just in case you needed something to wake you up and scare the bejeesus out of you. take a look at the latest In My World from Frank J. in his usual inimitable and highly entertaining style, Frank takes a…
Way to go, Frank! First I laughed my butt off (radioactive monkeys?). Then I thought “what if this really happens”? AAAAIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!!!
How do we know Condi Rice DIDN’T survive? LMAO!!
A Filthy Lie
Fearless Leader Frank J. of IMAO paints a terrifying and/or hilarious picture of the future Dean Presidency and what Instapundit’s blog will look like after the apocalypse.
Phosphorescent Irish Skin
I’m still tweaking, trying to get used to the newishness of my new OS and browser. There are some preferences I originally set so long ago I don’t recall how I did them anymore (font preference, for example–I forget which font it was I had for the des…
I don’t think it’s very funny.
I love Frank!
Well, at least I like him a whole lot, especially when he can make me laugh with stuff like this!…
BlameBush:
Funny is as funny does, bub.
Frank J. predicts
Do you read IMAO? No? Fool! Shut up and read this entry. Sorry to not be too funny today, but I’m in quite a dour mood after I had to use the last of my shotgun shells to fend off…
I don’t suppose we can look foreward to In My Post-Apocalyptic World?
Miscellany
Tonight’s agenda involves migrating information from this PC to a new laptop, so I’ll just throw up some blogging bullets in the meantime: Chris Lawrence comes out of the political closet. I never knew, man, I never knew. Will Baude…
Submitted for Your Approval
First off…  any spambots reading this should immediately go here, here, here, and here.  Die spambots, die!  And now…  here are all the links submitted by members of the Watcher’s Council for this week’s vote. Council links:Patteric…
“The last image I saw before television went out was of Howard Dean, an insane smile on his face as he peddled over the smoldering ruins of the former world.”
That may very well be the funniest mental picture I have ever entertained.
A Clarification On Media Bias
Frank J.’s IMAO is known for its rather outlandish humor and its fantastic tendencies to grotesquely caricature public figures (in the spirit, if not the style, of those great British satirists of the 18th and 19th centuries), and so one musn’t make th…
Yeouch!
If the unthinkable happens and Dean is elected he will cost my family about $2000 per year in new taxes. Go check your own tax increase at the Club for Growth Howard Dean Tax Calculator. Link via the AlphaPatriot.
The Council Has Spoken!
First off…  any spambots reading this should immediately go here, here, here, and here.  Die spambots, die!  And now…  the winning entries in the Watcher’s Council vote for this week are Patterico’s Los Angeles Dog Trainer Year in R…
Council Winners
Time again to announce the winners. Congratulations to Patterico for the winning Council entry, “Patterico’s Los Angeles Dog Trainer Year in Review: 2003,” and to IMAO for the winning non-Council entry, “In My Poassible Future World: The Howard Dean Pr…
COUNCIL WINNERS
The Watcher’s Council has announced the winners of the weekly Council vote. Congratulations to me for the winning Council entry, Patterico’s Los Angeles Dog Trainer Year in Review: 2003, and to IMAO for the winning non-Council entry, In My Possible…
LOL! Scott, in this parallel universe (and even in our own), it is quite possible for liberals to have, and even use, guns. It’s the rest of us they want to disarm. Hypocrites.
THE COUNCIL HAS SPOKEN.
Wow! With Patterico in there to take CommieWatch’s place, the Council has become quite a challenge… in his first week competing, he snagged first place in the Council Vote with Los Angeles Dog Trainer Year in Review: 2003. The Non-council…
The Council Has Spoken
The Watcher’s Council has met and voted on the posts of the week: Winning Council Entry: Patterico’s Los Angeles Dog Trainer Year in Review: 2003 Patterico’s Pontifications Winning Non-Council Entry: In My Possible Future World: The Howard Dean Preside…
Faves of the Week!
Jared, an acknowledged FOD (Friend of Discoshaman), does a great job of Debunking LaHaye. The series now runs to five parts, and should be required reading for any Dispie Pre-mill. PoliBlog notes that O’Neill’s credibility has taken another hit. Silent…
The Council Has Spoken !!!
Back to Business Here I am — out in the wild, wooly world; without my templates! So I will hafta akchewully type my html. Life is soooo hard. sigh My oh my . . . This week’s winners are: Patterico’s…
The Council Has Spoken !!!
Back to Business Here I am — out in the wild, wooly world; without my templates! So I will hafta akchewully type my html. Life is soooo hard. sigh My oh my . . . This week’s winners are: Patterico’s…
Watcher Winners!
Congratulations to Patterico’s Pontifications for winning the council-member category of the weekly Weasel Watcher contest with Patterico’s Los Angeles Dog Trainer Year in Review: 2003. And to IMAO for winning the non-council member category with In My…
Duck Hunt #6
In less than five hours Iowa Democrats will head to their caucuses. These small groups of party die-hards will
I didn’t like the very end, but the rest was hilarious! =)
Meltdown
Yep, that’s what they’re calling it. Follow the links for some great pics.
Now where did I get that link? Ah, here in Lair’s trackback.
My favorite quote and it’s from Jay Leno: “For the first time Howard Dean has begun to wear a s…
Frank J riffs on Dean
Comic relief is good It’s been way too long since I checked out a good Frank J “In My World”,…
Weasel Winners
A belated post linking to the November 6th results will be accepted if it also links to all entries…
Weasel Winners
A belated post linking to the November 6th results will be accepted if it also links to all entries…
Weasel Winners
A belated post linking to the November 6th results will be accepted if it also links to all entries…
Weasel Winners
A belated post linking to the November 6th results will be accepted if it also links to all entries…
Weasel Winners
A belated post linking to the November 6th results will be accepted if it also links to all entries…
Watchers Council
A belated post linking to the January 15th results will be accepted if it also links to all entries nominated for…
Phosphorescent Irish Skin
I’m still tweaking, trying to get used to the newishness of my new OS and browser. There are some preferences I originally set so long ago I don’t recall how I did them anymore (font preference, for example–I forget which font it was I had for the des…
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Very interested, can’t wait to learn it