Out of pity, I gave some advice to John Kerry, but here is some even better advice for President Bush. I want him to win reelection so that terrorists continue to die and my taxes continue to get cut – things quite important to me. So, if you’re President Bush, please read and consider this advice carefully. Everyone else, you can just ignore.
* Flying Fists of Death: In a world full of terrorism, the world needs a kung fu president. You should train night and day on your kung fu skills. When it’s time for a debate, as soon as Kerry makes a cheap shot at you, you can say, “I will not stand here and be dishonored!” Then flip over in front of him and use your spinning dragon punch to shatter Kerry’s podium and send him flying backwards.
“Ah! My French-lookingness!”
* Cheerio: Some people make fun of the way you talks. Well, here is and easy way around it. You could just lip-sync while Tony Blair does all your speeches for you.
“For my next trick, I will use my dry, English wit to berate my opponent while I sip this cup of tea. Cheerio.”
* The Bounty Hunter: Alternately, improve on your cowboy image by always wearing a cowboy hat, having a piece of straw hanging out of your mouth, and having six-shooters at your sides. Anytime a reporter is disrespect’n you, shoot the microphone out of his hand and then shoot at his feet while yelling, “Dance!”
People like a take charge kind of guy, so you should have a photo-op where you come out holding a lever-action rifle followed by your cabinet dressed up as your posse. Then you rip an “Osama bin Laden: Wanted Dead or Alive” poster off the wall and announce, “I’m going to catch that varmint myself!” Let’s see someone haughty and aloof do that.
* Mr. Nice Guy: People seem to not like prisoner abuse, so why don’t they videotape you standing next to an Iraqi prisoner for twelve hours and not abusing him. Then people will be like, “Wow, what a nice guy that President Bush is, not abusing that prisoner or cutting off his ears and making a necklace out of it like Kerry would.”
* War Upon War: War helps the Republicans because it makes the American public focus on what’s really important, so you should start another war just before the election to help yourself out. If people start saying, “Hey! You only started that war to help yourself!” then start yet another war to distract from that scandal. Repeat until Election Day.
* The Patriot Act: A lot of people seem to be afraid of the Patriot Act but not know exactly what it authorizes, so tell people you’ll be able to use the Patriot Act to hunt down all people who vote for John Kerry and then hook up electrodes to them where people wouldn’t want electrodes hooked up.
“No tinfoil hat will help you now! Muh ha ha ha!”
* Just Because: Nuke France. Not sure how it will help the campaign, but I never heard a good reason not to nuke France. Just make sure, that, when asked if you nuked France to help your campaign, to answer, “Oui.” The American public will appreciate the candor.
* The Grand Slam: What’s the American pastime? That’s right: football. Unfortunately, the timing of that is not right for the presidential election, so we’ll have to go with baseball instead. Usually the president will throw out a pitch or something, but I have a better idea. Let me set the scene for you:
It’s the bottom of the ninth of the World Series, and the underdog American are down by three runs against the new radical, Islamist, anti-American team – the Jihadists – that was added this season. There are two outs on the board and bases are loaded. “I only have to strike out one more infidel batter, and the Americans will see that we radical Muslims are superior! Allahu Akbar!” sneers the pitcher – a known terrorist.
So who comes up to bat?
President Bush.
“Ha! Now I can humiliate their foolish president as well!” laughs the pitcher.
“I think you misunderestimate me, Omar” Bush says as he holds a finger up in the air to feel the wind. Bush then points at the pitcher’s head.
Enraged, the pitched launches a fastball at Bush. The President responds with a mighty swing. The crack of the bat hitting the ball echoes throughout the world, and, with a trail of flame, the ball flies straight into the pitches head, exploding it. The ball is then propelled in the stratosphere, and the homerun is so glorious to behold that the terrorists’ faces all melt at the site of it like the Nazis in Raiders of the Lost Arc.
Bush then triumphantly trots across the bases while the crowd shouts, “Four more years! Four more years!”
Man, what a photo-op to end all photo-ops. I’m not sure how hard that will be to set up, but I’m just the idea man; task this one to your overworked political campaign staffers.
I still like the idea of the Bush-Hussein Cage match. It would still be cool if Bush had the baseball bat. It would be neat to show him doing an upswing into Saddam’s home bag.
Sounds a lot like Walker, Texas Ranger. 😉
they could just call it…”W, texan terrorist killer”
cool
Darn it, I’m not President Bush and I read this. At least I’m not the only.
By the way, I loved the line:* Mr. Nice Guy: Unfortunately, that would be a boring video. Unless ofcourse you incuded camels and penguins with frizbees.
Actually, I kinda like Sticky B’s idea.
The only bad thing I can see if he does the Mr. Nice Guy 12 hour video, I can see Kerry, the french-looking would-be Demo-Commmie candidate, saying, “See?! All Bush does is stand around for 12 hours while millions of Americans are getting slaughtered, losing their health care, paying high gas and milk prices (While Evil CEO’s are getting even richer with obscene profits), losing their jobs, going uneducated, getting poisoned to death, etc. etc. etc.
However, nuking France and having multiple wars is a great campaign idea, maybe we can take out most of the Middle East by election day. : )
Great job Frank!
Just make sure, that, when asked if you nuked France to help your campaign, to answer, “Oui.” The American public will appreciate the candor.
wow, LMBO Frank, and what a fabulous idea; why hasn’t W thought of this yet?
if W reads your campaign advice and doesn’t win the election, it will be inexplicable.
“Ah! My French-lookingness!”
Some great ideas Frank. But I am gonna have to agree with Sticky B’s idea. But I know none of the usual people on this blog are gonna be pussies on election day.
Half of Bush’s problem is that he walks like a Munchkin in the Wizard of Oz. He needs to work on a solid John Wayne walk to go along with his new bounty hunter persona.
“For my next trick, I will use my dry, English wit to berate my opponent while I sip this cup of tea. Cheerio.”
How can we NOT vote for someone that says “cheerio”???
I liked the baseball scenario. I’d like to see that happen… Bush should definitely take your advice, I’m sure it would guarantee his victory.
Maybe Bush could just carry a baseball bat into all his press conferences. Then, instead of taking a question by calling the reporter’s name, he could just point the bat at them and say, “What, punk?”
On second thought, maybe he shouldn’t steal Rumsfeld’s schtick.
I am beginning to wonder if this not really a Kerry for President site. Hmmmm or maybe even worse a New York Yankee lover. I will have to think this over before letting the Viagra charged old guys run wild on this site.
nitpick
Wouldn’t the faces of everyone melt, not just the IslamaMcFacist’s?
I think I’ll use Sticky B’s idea. They done misunderestimated me for the last time.
Damn, With I’d a thought of that.
I like the war upon war idea 😉
sticky b, why stop there? why not show the islamo fascists holding their rifles up cheering, then put subtitles saying “yay kerry!” or Osama with a kerry t-shirt on?
I like your idea though, hmmm… more terrorism here, or democracy world-wide? tough choice…
The Chad,
How’s it hangin? (there’s a subtle dig at dems in there somewhere)
I was thinking about the “cheering palestinians in the street” video snippets when I was writing my script, but forgot to include them. Without a doubt you need some cheering foriegners to try to stoke up a little sense of vengence in the cold dead souls of the undecideds. Or even some video of cheering wrasslin fans with towels photoshopped to their heads. Thanks for the reminder, and I’ll try to work that in to the final product. After this decapitation thing, I’m kinda starting to like Frank’s idea that radioactive ashes are much easier to govern than either shiites or sunnis. Or even frenchies for that matter.
Man, everyone likes Sticky B’s idea better than mine.
Maybe I should ban him so he can’t upstage me in the comment section again…
not everyone, Frank.
Four more years for Bush! Not only would that give us a reprieve from Kerry’s Frenchification of America, but would spare the loyal readers of In My World from a potentially traumatic change in the cast of characters and storyline.:)
Good point Warmonger. Although I really enjoy the IMWs that include the likes of Kerry, Daschle, Kenn (hic) edy, and especially Hillary vs Laura. They are always so satisfying.
Baseball IS the national passtime.
Thanks Frank for making my day a little brighter after storming around angered about terrorists killing innocent americans in Iraq.
Heh, “With a trail of flame”
Nah, I’m gonna agree with Frank on this one, it’s definitely football.
Frank my MAN. Puhlease don’t ban me. You’re part of my growth plan. You’re my 2nd runner up hero behind Pat Tillman and Chesty Puller. I’ll have to change ISP’s and sneak back on here, cause you’re the all time asskicker of internet comedy, and I’m an addict. I’ll never mention anything remotely worthwhile again. I promise. And you can count on that shit cause a)I was an Eagle Scout as a teen, and b) I voted against Clinton both times.
Frank Ideas for the Bush Reelection Campaign By Frank J.
Out of pity, I gave some advice to John Kerry, but here is some even better advice for President Bush….
Frank Ideas for the Bush Reelection Campaign By Frank J.
Out of pity, I gave some advice to John Kerry, but here is some even better advice for President Bush….
Tough choice guys:
Take that lying sack of shit, special interest group rep, opportunist Kerry,
OR
take that lying sack of shit, special interest group rep, moron Bush.
Guess you’ll be going with Nader or whoever is the GP nominee.
Remember that Bush (ex-owner of the TX Rangers) is a baseball guy, not a football guy. Reason enough to vote for him.