(A Guest Post by Harvey of Bad Example)
Since Frank J. is taking a few days off, I thought I might help his readers try to understand Frank a little better by taking a look at his home state of Florida. The following information was taken from Google, the Encyclopedia Britannica, or possibly just my own fevered imagination. At any rate, I swear it’s all true.
Florida is often referred to as the “Sunshine State”. Since, during the summer, it rains every day at 3pm, this is akin to referring to Fahrenheit 9/11 as “a factual and unbiased documentary by the honorable, well-respected, pleasant-smelling, and physically fit filmmaker, Michael Moore”.
Florida’s state reptile is the alligator, or, as it’s affectionately referred to, “the poodle chomper”.
Florida is the southernmost of the United States. At least until we annex Cuba, which will happen within 24 hours of that frizzle-whiskered commie bastard Castro’s death.
I was just informed by the CIA that I wasn’t supposed to disclose that information. Please disregard.
Florida’s population is very diverse, comprised equally of whites, blacks, Hispanics, and jack-booted government thugs looking to deport the children of Cuban refugees.
Residents of Florida prefer to be called “Floridians”, although they are more commonly known as “Grandma & Grandpa”.
Twice yearly, Florida’s population is victimized by uncontrollable destructive forces which lay waste to vast swaths of land. These times are known as “hurricane season” and “spring break”.
For years, Florida was plagued by a rodent infestation, but thanks to modern pest-control techniques, the problem has been eliminated. Except for a special nature preserve outside of Orlando, where large mice still roam freely.
Florida is STILL plagued by ravenous hordes of giant cockroaches. If you’re in Florida and you see a giant cockroach, shoot it. However, don’t use anything less than .45 caliber, or you’ll just piss it off.
In a fight between Aquaman and a giant cockroach, Aquaman would be neatly cut in half by the roach’s steely mandibles of death.
Florida is easy to find on a map. Just look for the state that appears to be desperately in need of a dose of Viagra.
Native Floridians can be spotted in a similar manner.
Or at least Grandpa can.
Florida’s state mammal is the rattlesnake, which proves conclusively that butterfly ballots are a bad idea.
Despite it’s quaint-sounding name, the Florida Everglades is actually a huge, dank, filthy expanse of smelly, disgusting, pestilence-ridden wetness. Very similar to certain parts of Michael Moore’s body that he is currently too fat to reach with a washcloth.
Florida’s state tree is the Palm – so named because that’s the part of your body that will be scraped raw if you try to climb it.
While in Florida, NEVER try to climb any sort of nut tree.
Finally, if you ever decide to visit Florida, PLEASE leave all monkeys at home. Frank doesn’t WANT to have to carve you up with his katana, but he will if he has to.
You’ve been warned.
Oh, my God! First!
Florida is also plagued by other vermin, Democrats who complain about hanging chads during presidential elections. If you see one of those, shoot it also.
In fact, feel free to attack anything that wears a Kerry/Edwards button or sticker regardless of whether or not he lives in Florida.
As a genuine native Floridian, I am
L. M. A. O. !!!!!!!!
5th!
ROFLMAO! “Florida is STILL plagued by ravenous hordes of giant cockroaches. If you’re in Florida and you see a giant cockroach, shoot it. However, don’t use anything less than .45 caliber, or you’ll just piss it off.”
Well, isn’t that the daggum truth. The damn things fly at you too! As a Native Floridian I can vouch. AND we get these big grasshoppers that are so big their butts can’t leave the ground when they jump. They’re as big as a man’s hand. Horrible things!
“Florida’s state tree is the Palm – so named because that’s the part of your body that will be scraped raw if you try to climb it.
While in Florida, NEVER try to climb any sort of nut tree.”
Very clever, Harvey… I almost didn’t get that. Hee.
And regarding that Giant Mouse – you can shoot him too if you want. Pesty neighbor. Always havin’ all that company.
ROTFLMAO – that was brilliant Harvey! And spot on (that’s the scary part)
Fantastic!!!
Would you consider writing a fun facts about New York in honor of the upcoming convention?
Oh….NOW I get it….NUT tree!!! Hahahahahaha! duh.
lol@Jonag…
I didn’t get it either until I read songstress7’s post….
der..ralphy boy…
oh and Kudos for the Aquaman reference
You forgot some Harvey:
Florida is also full of pothead surfers who smell really bad.
Rush hour on A1A is akin to an afternoon in Hell.
Grandma and Grandpa own cars and drive REAL SLOW.
NASA is full of drug addicts.
Disneyland sucks.
But you can buy individual bottles of beer in ANY gas station, make tax-free construction $$$, and Frank J lives there.
So it can’t be all that bad
The only glaring omission I see is Manatees! Sea Cows! or waterway speed bumps if you prefer.
Say, Harvey–
Does FrankJ know about the Monkey Jungle down south near Miami?
I remember visiting it when I was about 7 or 8. Wonder if it’s still open…
Or did Frank take care of business there already?
Wow, dead on Harvey! I’m glad Maggie caught the manatee thing, but that’s a So. Fla thing I believe.
I’d pay Harvey to do a Fun Facts about NY post. Harve, how does a bottle of banana ketchup sound?
Not bad, just one small error. Hawaii, not Florida, is the southern most state. I also believe that the roaches may be mistaken for low flying aircraft.
DisneyLAND is in California.
Florida has DisneyWORLD.
And I like Disney just fine. Especially during hurricanes. No lines then.
Doesn’t hurt I have a friend who works there and can get me in for free.
As they say, the best things in life are free. And hot naked chicks.
Speaking of which, crzydem never emailed me with any debate material or hot naked chick pix.
He/she must have been busy finding another bridge to move in under.
Well I knew it wasn’t EURO-Disney.
Gimmie a break Krakatoa, I’m from the Mid-West; Disney whatever it’s not all the hype once you get there.
Free is good though.
And hot nekkid chicks
I thought about Florida NOT being the southernmost state, so I did a quick Google, and based on a glance at the top 4 returns, I went with it.
DAMN YOU, GOOGLE! [shakes fist]
Everything Harvey said about Florida cockroaches is true. He just forgot to mention palmetto bugs. What’s a palmetto bug, you ask? Imagine an Escalade sport utility roach, compared with your standard Mini-Cooper roach.
Ah, come visit Cuba, the 51st state of the US. Where cigars are cheap just like the women!
perhaps you meant southernmost state in the continental US?
Glad I haven’t eaten anything yet today. Thanks, but no thanks for that MM mental image. EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
When’s Frank coming back? I miss Frank!
Officials: Hundreds Of John Kerry Yard Signs Stolen In Fla.
Region known as ‘Bush Country’
http://www.local6.com/news/3675937/detail.html
isn’t Manatee county a bit up north?
Missed these about FL:
1. The size of the car you drive in FL is in indirect proportion to your age.
2. Its hot in FL not AZ hot but Africa hot, its damn hot, its Viet Nam hot.
3. No one speaks American, except in northern and central FL. In S. FL its more a combination of spanish and yiddish.
4. Its hot
5. It is the only state where the ocean is on three sides. This makes FL very vunerable to viking raids and random destruction by sea monsters.
6. No one is acually from FL.
7. Did I mention its hot?
8. If you travel from FL to say visit the grand canyon to be with a hot conservative t-shirt babe, you will probibly dehydrate and suffer a horrible death.
9. Its hot but its a wet hot.
10. FL is not CA.
connecticut yankee, you are such a wuss if you think FL is hot!! “oh, oh, it’s 75 degrees out, I’m melting!” I know this because my parents moved there from Oklahoma and they’re like “what are these people smoking? it’s hot? BWAH HAHAHAHAHAAAAAA” though I’ll admit I hate the humidity, mainly cause it makes me look like a poodle (damned curly hair.)
With All of the Great Posting
Going on in FrankJ’s absense over at IMAO by Harvey and Right Wing Duck. I must say that this made me laugh til I fell off my chair. I have no idea why it struck me as so extremely funny,…
florida has sooooooooooooooooooooo(breath)
ooooooo cool even the hurricans main target is florida