(A Guest Post by Harvey of Bad Example)
(The main body of this post originally appeared at Bad Example on June 7th, 2004)
Since Senator Horse-Face is really busy right now trying to explain away all the aid & comfort he gave to the Viet Cong with his Winter Soldier testimony, I figure this a good time to have some petty, childish fun at his expense.
Actually, it’s ALWAYS a good time for that.
In recent months, John Kerry’s freakishly inhuman appearance has been compared to many people and/or monsters. Now, of course this does NOT mean that his personality in any way resembles these… things. It’s purely physical coincidence.
On the other hand, it made me think: What if – purely for the sake of argument – we took George Bush out of the race, and had Kerry running against his look alikes. How would I vote?
Kerry vs. Lurch: I’m taking Lurch on this one. I think I’d prefer his friendly, helpful “You rang?” attitude to Kerry’s pissy “That son of a bitch pushed me!”
Kerry vs. Herman Munster: Gotta be Herman. I mean, when choosing between two conglomerations of re-animated corpse-parts, size matters. Why settle for the Metro when you can have the Explorer?
Kerry vs. Droopy Dog: Droopy in a landslide. At least he’s not afraid to point weapons at bad guys when required.
Kerry vs. Goofy: I’m going with Goofy. Being the inoffensive and highly agreeable sort, it’ll be easy for the Republican-controlled House and Senate to pile his desk high with all kinds of tax breaks for the obscenely rich, which he’ll sign with a cheerful “Gorsh!”
Kerry vs. Gomer Pyle: This one kinda depends. Gomer’s a Marine, which makes me lean his way, but he’s also a partially retarded inbred hillbilly from Mayberry, and I can just see him accidentally declaring martial law through misapplication of the line item veto – “Gawwwwww-leee! I think I done just suspended me the Bill of Rights! Sha-ZAM!”. But I suppose if Sgt. Carter were his running mate, he could keep him in line with a judiciously bellowed “PY-uhl!”.
Kerry vs. Treebeard: “Wood is good”, I always say. And even though Treebeard was a namby-pamby dithering pacifist who dicked around with the foresty version of the UN until thousands had been slaughtered, at least he eventually opened up a can of woody whup-ass on the piece of shit that killed his friends. Something I wouldn’t trust Kerry to do.
Kerry vs. Harry Bentley (from “The Jeffersons” – lower left of picture): Let’s see, Bentley worked for the UN and begged people to walk all over him. Guess it doesn’t matter much.
Kerry vs. Keith Richards: I’m going with Richards. First, he plays a mean guitar, and second – since he’s British – pissing off the French comes naturally to him. When he’s not too busy being drunk or strung out on heroin, that is.
Kerry vs. the severed head from “Re-Animator”: I’m leaning toward the severed head on this one. Sure he’s completely evil, but – being a severed head – he pretty much has to be evil in one spot. Kerry can jump on Air Force one and spread his flip-floppiness around the entire world like some wafflified version of SARS.
Kerry vs. Jane Fonda: [hums theme to MAS*H while hunting for cyanide tablets]
WHUF! That last one was a little rough. I’m going to my happy place for a while and have some happy thoughts… Hmmm… what if that Secret Service agent had pushed Kerry into a tree instead of a snowbank. Mheh.
I’ve got something completely original slated for posting on Monday night. Meanwhile, I’ll mostly be recycling pixels over here.
Just doing my part to conserve the endangered portions of the electromagnetic spectrum.
Not that anyone will notice, since nobody visits my site anyway.
[weeps piteously]
[looks up to check audience for signs of sympathy]
[hears crickets]
[weeps harder]
I visit you, Harv, and I think you’re doing a fine job as a fill-in for Frank J. nod me
Now stop whining and post!!!
Yeah, Harvey, quit yer whinin’! Oh, and I liked the post.
Hey! I wasn’t whining!
I was weeping. Which is entirely different.
Oh, and S7, you forgot to say “First!” 😛
Thanks Harvey! And yes I will be reading your site more often now! I don’t know what was wrong with me before that I’ve not looked it up more..
I was racking my brain trying to remember that Paul Benedict guy’s name that played Harry Bentley on the Jefferson’s, soon as I saw that young JF’nK in uniform picture, that was the image that popped into my head.
Of course John Kerry also reminds me of Ed Sullivan too… Without the charm, charisma and relaxed posture.. Ahem.
LOL! “…pissing of the French comes naturally” to the British. Damn right!
Wait! I’m the first to declare a place! First to say first! That’s as close as I’ll ever get. Sigh.
I love it when you compare Kerry to Droopy Dog. I just can’t get it out of my head now. Every time I see him on TV now I think that. Lurch comes in a close second though. “You Rang?” LOL!
That web-collage was quite amusing Harvey.
I’m afraid that your sight has earned a space on my bookmark bar.
Keep up the great work!
Sort of off topic , but dosn’t kerry’s wife look like Dustin Hoffman in Tootsie?
Poor, poor Harvey….
You forgot everyone’s favorite:
Kerry vs. Aquaman!
Rob,
Yes she does, did you see that pic….?
I saw it at work.
Teresa “Tootsie” Kerry.
It’s on one of these comment threads.
I am too lazy you find it.
Good post, and though I think you’re doing a great job filling in for Frank, I am mildly offended by the Treebeard comment. In the books of Lord of the Rings, The Ents decided to go to War right away, unlike in the movie. Treebeard was no hippie pacifist in the book! I heart treebeart. I heart-not pacifist hippies.
The rest of the post was good though, I love the Lurch comparison.
Yeah Josh I did.
Just pouring salt into open wounds.
She also looks like one of thoes mops with the googley-eyes on the pkgng.
Keep us updated on your ‘condition’
Dearest Harvey, you forgot to link your self at “here” (as in “Meanwhile, I’ll mostly be recycling pixels over here.”).
Holy crap! I saw Re-Animator for the first time this week and that was exactly my reaction. Kerry as a disembodied head hell bent on world domination by his army of zombies.
All too accurate.
I want that Gomer Pyle/JFK separated at birth button.
I want it bad.
bravo that was funny stuff…although i thought kerry IS herman munster
http://www.jibjab.com
You missed one – Senator Gronk,
whose opinion piece ran in the Onion just about about two years ago…
although I can’t find it now…
although Google (“Senator Gronk”)
produces some odd links to familiar
names…
On a side note,
This reminded me of a comic I read in a local liberal paper… it was one guy asking another even though Kerry is losing, why did he look so happy. Then the other guys says something like “the polls are in! only 63% think John Kerry looks like a scary petrified oak tree”
Back on topic, what about those trees from the wizard of oz (or even those “wheeler” things from return to oz)?
darn… forgot the “thats down 2% form last week” part
oh well
Obviously, I wasn’t the first to see the similarity, but it was fun working out the comparison…
Separated at Birth:
John Kerry and Herman Munster!
Well, actually, at the risk of being really mean to the memory of a fine actor, John Kerry and Fred Gwynne.
Fred never liked to talk about it during his life. There were a lot of reasons they never were able to be close, despite many eery parallels. Although they each had early lives of privilege and wealth, Fred attended an excellent private school in AMERICA.
By stark contrast John ended up in a private school in Switzerland, where they consume too-rich cheeses and every able-bodied male is expected to keep and maintain proficiency with a military assault weapon for the defense of their beloved country. The fiercely maintained political neutrality, the refusal to become involved in the vast contest between good and evil that surged all about them, the constant repetition of the William Tell Overture, the long tradition of secret bank accounts, the myriad cows with their musical bells, the proximity of the Von Trapp Family– all these things must indeed have had a profound effect on young Johnnie, eventually overthrowing what might have become a fine mind.
The briefest comparison shows what Kerry could have achieved, if only he hadn’t been tragically sidetracked.
After attending Groton preparatory school, Fred Gwynne enlisted in U.S. Navy, and spent much of World War II serving on a Sub-chaser. After his discharge, he first attended New York City’s Phoenix School of Design for a time. Then he entered HARVARD on the G.I. Bill. In spite of the distractions of serving as a staffer on the Harvard CRIMSON and as President of the Harvard Lampoon, and performing in many undergraduate theatrical productions, he handily completed the requirements for a degree in English.
Along the way Fred learned the pride that comes in actually earning a living, and took great joy in a number of enterprises— He acted in motion pictures and TV, wrote advertising copy for J Walter Thompson, wrote and illustrated children’s books that are still available through Amazon.com
Although Fred Gwynne is known frequently to have used heavy theatrical makeup, he was always able to distinguish between reality and “make-believe.”
Although Fred Gwynne served on a United States Navy ship that was designed specifically to destroy submarines that contained other humans, he forebore after his discharge from accusing his shipmates of war crimes and atrocities simply to gain publicity or notoriety and thus possibly advance his career.
Even though he attended Harvard simultaneously with several members of the Incredibly Glamorous Kennedy Clan, Fred Gwynne was always able to keep track of his own identity.
He never served a single term in the Senate or the House of Representatives. Yet in the last ten years of his life, Fred Gwynne’s total of actual legislation that he sponsored and managed to get passed by the U.S. Senate, is only one less than John Kerry’s total for HIS last ten years! (A remarkable achievement!)
Fred Gwynne didn’t do girlie stuff like inject Botox into parts of him to be smooth and young looking.
Fred learned never to insult entire nations at a stroke, such as our allies in rebuilding Iraq– Australia, Italy, Japan, Poland, Bulgaria, South Korea and most of all, Great Britain– by dissing them as a “fraudulent coalition” of the “bribed, the coerced, the bought and the extorted.” At least not in major speeches those nations might be sitting around the radio listening to.
Oh, yeah, and Fred also didn’t immediately turn around and claim he would heal the wounds between our allies and ourselves, right after insulting the allies that put themselves in harm’s way to help us.
Gee, I could go on, but it is all rather sad.
As more I research the life of Fred Gwynne, so more I realize how much better a candidate and president he would have made than John Kerry. Seriously.
God rest his soul. He was a fine actor, and is much missed.
David March, animator & fiddler
shoot down the head of the re-animator with his bat wings and you will see Kerry do his flip flop routine in his campaign not to mention he looks like the head, one difference Kerrys head is not filled with a brain only crap.