With the shortage of flu vaccines, I sent my crack research staff to find out all they can about the flu.
FUN FACTS ABOUT THE FLU
* The name flu comes from the word influenza which means “flu.”
* Flu will just attack you for who you are with no regard to your stance on flu issues, much like terrorists.
* Flu is a virus and not technically classified as living, much like terrorists after they have had a run in with the U.S. military.
* If flu is after you, try running through streams to throw it off your track. You can also hide in a log. The flu never checks inside logs.
* Eventually you’ll have to make a stand against the flu. Counter its spinning flu kick with your advancing tiger claw.
* Since Vitamin C helps fight infections, drink orange juice until you puke.
* If flu is after you, have it chase you into a building. Then, sneak out and lock the door and burn the building down. The flu couldn’t have survived that… or could it!
* Flu can make you feel dizzy.
* Spinning around in a chair gives you flu.
* The reason flu hits at a particular time of year is because the flu union allows for excessive vacations. Stupid lazy flu!
* The main carrier of flu is monkeys. Kill monkeys.
* The flu can be deadly to the young or the elderly while only bothersome to the fit and healthy. At the same time, the fit and healthy can easily knock down the young and elderly and take their flu vaccines.
* I’m not getting a flu shot this year out of a combination that I’m physically fit and healthy and also lazy.
* Flu vaccines are made from a small flower that grows only once a year atop the fabled Mount Gilfindorf in England. Only one pure of heart can pluck the flower, but this year someone greedy took hold of it and it wilted. Thus we are short flu vaccines now… or so the legend goes.
* While it seems we should blame Britain for the flu vaccine shortage, it’s easier to blame Canada since they are closer. Also, angry phone calls will cost less.
* Have you killed monkeys yet?
* If you don’t have vaccine, fight off flu viruses with a bat. Remember, viruses are too small to see, so swing everywhere and smash everything!
* Symptoms of the flu are fever, vomiting, and your doctor saying, “You got the flu, dude!”
* Flu can fly. After it flies, you can say that flu flew. Did you know that as I knew?
* If you put lamb’s blood on your doorsill, the flu will pass you over and infect your stupid neighbors. Ha!
* It’s a myth that chicken soup helps cure the flu, but, if you hadn’t read this, it would have a pleasant placebo effect. Sorry.
* In a fight between Aquaman and the flu, Aquaman would have to lie in bed for days and be even more useless than usual.
* You know those creaking sounds you hear at night? That’s the flu coming for you! Run!
* The U.N. is busy trying to open talks with the flu. Soon, they should have some way of making kickbacks as it infects us.
* If you think you have the flu, you can test that out with a store bought flu test. Just vomit on the test wand, and, if the symbol turns purple, you have the flu. If it turns maroon, you’re healthy. Or vice-versa.
* People with the flu may shuffle through the streets trying to give their flu to others in their delirium. Use regular zombie handling precautions for this.
* The main thing to know about fighting the flu is to not be such a crybaby. Who cares about the flu? There are people dying in some country right now I’ve never heard of nor care to know about, so consider yourself lucky.
First,
and not with the flu
Flu shots were cancelled in my area,
NO FLU SHOTS FOR YOU!
just vomit on the test wand, LMPTO.
you’re so funny.
lol
All this attention the flu is getting is discriminating against the cold. And the hanta virus. Those should get some attention too.
Anyone see this:
goofy story
lol
I’m waiting for the Spam offering herbal flu shots.
I don’t swing a bat around my house Frank, but I do have a can of Lysol superglued in my right hand.
didn’t kerry blame Bush for the flu this year? maybe he made that hole in the ozone layer too…
Zombie precautions
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
My Nuke the Moon shirt just arrived! Is that adequate precaution against flu and zombie attacks?
all this flu shot craziness has got me wondering…i’ve never gotten a flu shot, and i rarely get the flu. in fact, i very rarely get sick at all. maybe all these vaccines and drugs have simply undermined our own immmune systems. maybe the flu will do us a favor and get rid of the weaklings, and hopefully most of ’em are dems, so maybe the flu isn’t our enemy.
All I have is a fruit bat. Will he do, or do I need to swing around an insectivorous bat?
Aquaman would prevail over the flu, since we all know that you need lots of fluids to beat the flu. Aquaman is king of the seven seas. That should do it.
If you think the flu is in your house, the first place you should check is up your chimney. I’ve heard there’s always a flu up there.
Flu can fly. After it flies, you can say that flu flew. Did you know that as I knew?
Wait, you knew that flu flew too?
No mention of how the flu would do vs a Colt, S&W or, H&K firearm. If in doubt, empty the clip. I’d say an addendum is in order.
‘when in doubt, empty the clip’ is kindof implied. it work for pretty much any situation you can come across.
‘is the mayo still good?’
‘dunno. hand me my gun and we’ll find out.’
Dude, that sh*t was funny!
Thanks again FrankJ
The flu kulls the herd. The flu makes us strong. Flu = good vaccine = bad. Good flu, good flu. What does not kill me makes me stronger. Germs saved us from martian invasion. Who doesn’t like germs? If you are a scared girly-man or boyly-woman(?) the following is a sure fire Macedonian cure for the flu:
First, wear much garlic around neck. Next stuff wolfbane down boxers a la Sandy Berger-man. Third wrap goat intestines around head. Last, paint body blue, run back and forth in front yard chanting “hibnibka da, vomitdiarria nyet!” (Is macedonian for health yes, sicky no!) No flu get you. Plus side benefit of no get bit by werewolf of vampire. Bad side; no girly friend or boyey friend ever want you again. Who cares? You healthy!
I think Auquman would be one of the “weak and eldery” to die from the flu. No amount of talking underwater is going to save him!
Blenster
If you dont move, the flu cannot see you… so stay still!
Wasn’t Jack Nicholson in One Flu Over the Cuckoo’s Nest?
What’s a cuckoo’s nest anyway? Is that on a pirate ship? I bet that movie was rated “Arrrrrr”
lol
Actually evil space time travelling monkeys sabotaged the plants