Well, checked the T.V. schedule and found out Alias isn’t on tonight because of the State of the Union Address. Guess it’s time for more advice:
FRANK ADVICE FOR THE STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS
* Don’t start out saying something bland like, “The state of the Union is good,” say something more colorful like, “That state of the Union is fan-tas-great!”
* Casually mention how you were reelected, such as, “I was like totally reelected ’cause Democrats suck!” This also makes sure people don’t think this State of the Union Address is a rerun.
* You should mention the Iraqi elections, but don’t gloat about it. Sneak it in there saying something like, “You were probably too distracted by the success of the Iraqi elections to notice how great the economy is doing.”
* A lot of the Democrat base is going to oppose you no matter what. Simply scare them into compliance by taking out a lighter, holding it up, and saying, “I control fire! Fear me!”
* Each time there is a standing ovation and the Democrats stay seated, squirt them with a super-soaker. Eventually they’ll learn to stand and applaud too.
* If you really want to drive a point home, destroy your podium with a judo chop as you say it.
* Mention how diverse your cabinet, but don’t say, “Hell, my staff meetings look just like that subway car John Rocker described.” That reference is too old and liable to go over many people’s heads.
* Promise to end hostage taking like the one reported yesterday by proposing a new initiative to crack down on shoplifting.
* The Democrats are going to try to scare seniors to be against your Social Security plan, so preemptively scare them first.
“The Democrats may tell you lies about my plans to save Social Security, but remember that, while they tell them, they have other people behind you STEALING YOUR PILLS!”
- Propose more tax cuts. I like those.
- Bring some Iraqis who voted to the State of the Union Address. When you point them out, make sure they have a mike so everyone can hear them yell, “You Democrats wanted us to die in tyranny. I will have your blood!” Pause for a while as they attack the Democrats before continuing on with the speech.
- Say you’re going to improve education for everyone, leading to “smarter nerds, and stronger bullies.”
- Have that guy who brings animals and appears on Letterman a lot come to the podium with some monkeys. He’s always entertaining.
- Remember: Indoor fireworks are totally dangerous and totally hitler!
- A great ending would be for a disco ball to descend from the ceiling and then the Republicans dance the night away. If the Democrats protest and say that doesn’t show proper reverence, it will just make them look like no fun ninnies whom we should throw bricks at.
roflmpto
(first, again)
Where are you oddybobo?
I really like that one….
Can we see hate-filled lefty get beaten up by Iraqis who voted? Please? Pretty please? With sugar on top, and maybe even real whipped cream?
Hmmmm…. I didn’t know we could aim fireworks…. [sighting scope at Kennedy… Boxer… Kerry… Byrd…]
Frank,
This is the funniest post you’ve had in a long long time. Keep it up…Bring us some more funny!!
one problem with the State of the Union Address. All of congress, the US Supreme Court, the president, and pretty much everyone else except for the Vice President, are all under the same roof. If someone were able to get past the security, it would be a real bad day for America. I think they should seperate to other buildings, and meet via live satilite.
Feeling under the weather and so very un-hitler today. And indoor fireworks are totally hitler, but if you aren’t careful, you could blow a hole in the ceiling of your bedroom, and that would be totally unhitler!
I like those as well…give me back my $!
LOL!!! This is great!
Wouldn’t it be better if the president just pressed the lit end of a cigar into the democrat’s heads when they don’t stand and applaud. I would like that.
He should give the “State of the Union for Dummies” version:
Members of Congress, Ladies, Gentlemen, my fellow Americans. When we first went into Afganistan, some people coughdemocratescough said that it would be a quagmire.
They were wrong.
They said that tens of thousands of our troops would die.
They were wrong.
They said that the Taliban would decimate us with a guerrilla war.
They were wrong.
They said that the interim Afghani government would not be able to function.
They were wrong.
They said the Afghani elections could not be held.
They were wrong.
When we invaded Iraq they said we needed the approval and help of France, Germany, and the U.N.
They were wrong.
They said that it would be a quagmire.
They were wrong.
They said that tens of thousands of our troops would die.
They were wrong.
They said that the interim Iraqi government would not be able to function.
They were wrong.
They said the Iraqi elections could not be held.
They were wrong.
They said that the insurgents coughforeign terroristscough were strong, numerous, and would stop the elections.
They were wrong.
When tax cuts were inacted they said that the economy would suffer.
They were wrong.
After this speach, they will give their rebuttal and no doubt say a lot of things.
Look at their record.
Thank you and God bless the United States of America.
“Mention how diverse your cabinet, but don’t say, “Hell, my staff meetings look just like that subway car John Rocker described.” That reference is too old and liable to go over many people’s heads.”
…you’re right…
huh?
I’m personally hoping to see Donald Rumsfeld strangle Ted Kennedy and dip him in that finger ink. Now THAT would be Hitler.
It would take a long garrote to get around Teddy’s neck…
Maybe they can get Carrie Fischer to do it with a long chain…
But not in costume. Nobody wants to see her in the costume today.
Hey there’s no such thing as a “judo chop” what the heck are they teaching you at Aikido??
Seriously, good post Frank.
Glad you tore yourself from my new site long enough to write it.
The Meatriarchy,
Judo is purely a throwing art; I was imitating Austin Powers who, in the first movie, ran around announcing, “Judo Chop!” as he karate chopped people.
Frank–good call on the introductory remarks–he basically said, “I won.”
Now he’s quoting a blog–the 22-year-old woman who led her family out to vote– hooray for the Blogosphere!
And having an Iraqi widow seated beside Laura Bush–wow!
Who knew W. was going to read your blog before his big speach last night?!?!
I mean, I’m not quoting him or anything, but he did say something about Laura’s new job, “improving education for everyone, leading to smarter nerds, and stronger bullies.” Or was that stronger nerds and smarter bullies…Yeah! That was it! Sorry- I just can’t see that one working out very well.