(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
Communist China hasn’t been a very good friend to us lately, what with their not helping us keep North Korea in line, blocking Security Council Appointments in the UN, and declaring war on innocent bloggers, so it’s time for America to re-evaluate the relationship.
But before any firm policy decisions are made, it’s necessary to understand who we’re dealing with. To that end, I’ve assigned a Newsweek reporter to gather all the information he could about this inscrutable nation. Based on his report, I present (in the extended entry) these

Although only a medium-sized country, China has the largest population of any nation on earth except for downtown Chicago during the morning rush hour.
Given it’s strategic location in Southeast Asia, it’s not surprising that many nations have tried to invade and conquer China in the last few millenia. Fearing such attacks, one of its earliest Emperors protected the nation by surrounding it with the Great Minefield of China.
Sadly, gunpowder handn’t been invented yet, so none of the mines worked and China quickly fell under the onslaught of the Mongol hordes.
Ice cream was invented around 2000 BC in China by Hong Jiang Baskin-Robbins.
Also around 2000 BC, The Great Wall of China was built by the Mongols to keep other nations from invading China and stealing their sweet, sweet ice cream.
The Chinese calendar goes in a 12-year cycle with each year represented by a different animal. Travellers from Europe tried to get them to name the years after the constellations of the zodiac, but the Chinese weren’t stupid enough to believe that the stars in the sky actually formed any recognizable images.
“No, really! That’s a kneeling chick emptying out a pitcher of water!”
“Stupid round-eye! You crazy in head! I feed you to Mongol horde now!”
Chinese silk is made by “silkworms” who work in filthy sweatshops, unprotected by decent labor laws.
Where are those whiny “living wage” hippies on THAT issue? Huh? HUH?
Stupid hippies. Hope the Mongols eat them.
The Chinese language has over 40,000 written characters, all of which look like someone just dropped a handful of dry spagetti noodles.
Red is considered the color of good luck in China, which is sort of ironic considering how bad that whole “living under a commie dictatorship” thing is going for most people over there.
The Great Wall of China is the only “man-made” object visible from the moon.
Michael Moore’s big fat ass can also be seen from the moon, but technically that was “Twinkie-made”, so it doesn’t count.
Chinese students must go to school for 20 years without a single day off, doing nothing but practicing that freaky spaghetti-writing of theirs.
Hey China-dudes! Wanna buy a 26-letter alphabet? Put the smack-dab on North Korea for us and we’ll talk…
The climate in China is completely unpredictable and frequently swings without warning between the extremes of pleasant warmth and bitter chill several times during a single day.
On a completely unrelated topic, the Chinese symbols for “Mother Nature” and “PMS” are all but identical.

That’s all I’ve got right now, although I imagine I’ll feel an urge to write more on this topic an hour after I post this.