The Doctor is in – and I can help. Or at least make it not hurt so much. Or at least entertain you while you howl in agony. That’s it!
Anway, this Friday we had so many IMAO readers who needed help and guidance from someone older and wiser. Instead – you came to Dr. Duck. How flattering. Here are some answers for the questions that haunt you night and day.
**
How will I be able to cope when Superego is finished? Will there be a sequel?
Posted by Veeshir
Coping with loss is never an easy thing to do. Some turn to alcohol. Others to drugs or other extreme behavior. In fact, I believe that would be my suggestion too. Drinking — drugs — and extreme behavior — or as much as your budget allows.
But being that Frank J. and I are really good friends I sent him an email asking about any possible sequels. Here’s his response:
“Dear Put Your Name Here,
I’m not answering my email these days because the Mexican I hired has been without a computer for a month. So write back later and I’ll answer if I feel like it.”
There you have it!! It sound like the answer is Yes!
**
Dr. Duck,
My left thumb just got torn off in a paper shredder. Would you suggest I go see a doctor? Burning it with my lighter seems to have stopped the bleeding.
Posted by Junglejake
Dear JJ.
I know what you’re thinking. “I chopped off my thumb? Woohoo! I’m going to Wendy’s”. But before you decide to turn tragedy into a happy meal — let me share something personal with you.
I too once had opposable digits — then I realized that they were opposing me only on the basis of my skin color. So I chopped them off those little racist thumbs!! I don’t misss them muc. Exepct when typin.
You can go ahead and see a doctor — but my experience is that they’re not good at handling racism. I suggest you try Jess or Al. They might be able to help. Or at least start a riot. That should make you feel better.
**
Whooooo are you?
Whoo-ooo, ooo-ooo?
I really wanna know…
Also, what kind of bloody violence is most appropriat to use on smelly hippies.
Fisticuffs is out, because one ends up with stinky fists.
Posted by jimmyb at October 14, 2005 11:26 AM
Jimmy B.
Whooo am I? I’m the one who put the ram in the rama lama ding dong.
Anyway. Hippie violence is a good form of exercise and Dr. Duck heartily endorses it. I like to use a Clue Bat, myself. When I hippy says that war is not the answer — I clock him upside the head. They usually get up angry and wanting to fight. I remind them that violence is never the answer. Then when they agree — I clock them again. It’s cliché — but maybe that’s what makes it so much fun.
**

I just posted and it didn’t take, so here goes again.
Welcome back Dr. Ducky!
If micheal Moore was popped what would come out?
Posted by Steve
Ding Dongs?
As an aside — when you think you’ve done something already and you may not have — that’s a sure sign of insanity.
**
Being a fine upstanding American, I have a “Support Our Troops” magnetic ribbon on the back of my Ford. Now, the rank-ing hippie at work has retaliated with a “Just Pretend It’s All OK” ribbon on his Volvo.
What should my next move be? I feel the need to escalate, but (for the children) I don’t want to do jail time.
Help me Dr. Duck – you’re my only hope.
Posted by Magneto
Ding dongs.
Oh, wait. Did I say that already?
Wow. This looks like it’s ripe for a bumper sticker contest. In fact — that’s what we’ll do only because it would mean less work for me — and of course I’d give you the group discount rate.
My personal favorite would be : Depress me, scare me — I still won’t vote Democrat.
The dead vote Democrat. Dead Terrorists Too.
**
Dear the Honorable Dr. Duck,
The Arizona Daily Wildcat’s letters section is so whiny, I can’t take it anymore. Is it morally correct to become a paid columnist for such a liberal claptrap, or should I resort to other options?
Garrett O’Hara
Posted by Garrett O’Hara
I’m sorry. I wasn’t paying attention. Your whining was getting on my nerves. Huh? Oh, so you want to write for a liberal paper? Ask yourself this — would you be happy with all those Red loving yellow bellies — if the money was green?
**
Why was Star Wars Ep III so bad?
Posted by slapout
Slapout,
I agree. Personally, I blame the R2D2 love scene.
**
Who’s wussier, Aquaman or Che Guevera?
Posted by Alucard
Aquaman. Aquaman is always wussier. Strawberry Shortcake or Aquaman. Aquaman. Smurfette or Aquaman – Aquaman. Sorry.
**
Since we now know that Mark Cuban supports terrorism, will the left finally admit that the majority of rich, arrogant jerks aren’t conservative?
Posted by Alucard
A rich, stupid imbecile? The only surprise is that he hasn’t starred in a movie. Hmm. Maybe that would explain it.
**
I hears “Hola” is a swear word in ancient Aramic. Is this true? If so, how true is it?
Posted by Frank J. at October 14, 2005 01:07 PM
What kind of @ss-Hola question is that? Nope, I can’t think of any context where it would be a bad thing.
**
A UFO has
appeared
over me
and a voice
Sounding Like
Louis Farrakan
becones me
to
get in
should I?
Posted by Libby Gone
On the one hand, you shouldn’t ride with crazy Islamic activists. On the other hand — have you seen the price of gas?
**
will Dr. Duck check the bboard?
Posted by sarahk
Nag. Nag. Nag. You’ll make somebody a great wife one day.
**
1. Dr. Duck , are you by any chance related to the AFLAC duck of commercial fame?
2. I understand that Aquaman is making an appearance on Smallville next week. Is this some kind of liberal plot?
Posted by kalthalior
Little known fact. For the first two years, the AFLAC duck was a duck costume worn by Tom Cruise. They fired him for preaching about the falsity of Duck Psychologists. As if!!!
Yes, Aquaman is making an appearance on the set of Smallville, but they’ve decided to start buying Aquaman safe tuna.
**
Yeah, what’s up with Aflac? Does that duck have a stunt double? Or should PETA be involved?
I seen feathers flyin’, and duck soup ain’t mama’s recipe.
Posted by Art Van Dolay at October 14, 2005 02:26 PM
Don’t be silly. PETA does all of the contract killing. Or as they call them — Animal shelters. Anyway, Mr. Cruise — I mean, the AFLAC duck is fine and doing well. In fact, the AFLAC duck would like readers to know that he and his duck wife are expecting, and that they did do the Wild Thing lest people speculate further that he – well, you know.
**
The guy next to me just got a new huge plasma display computer screens. Me, I still have my smaller, but fully functional CRT. I think he’s trying to compensate for something. What do you think?
Posted by Special Ed
Ed, let me share some advice my dad once gave me. Look straight ahead. Eyes on your own.
**
Dr. Duck – You can’t duc….avoid the question forever. Does Frank J. REALLY hate monkeys or is he just pandering to the anti-monkey wing of the VRWC? Us potential minions deserve an answer, are we following a true anti-monkeyist or when he takes over will he pull a Souter and let the monkeys takeover? Also am I right in thinking that “monkey”, in the context of IMAO is really a code word for Hippy?
Posted by Brian
I can only say that I’ve known Frank J. for over a year now and that I can vouch for — for — hey, he really DOES seem to like monkeys, doesn’t he?
**
Dr. Ducky.
I’m thinking of venturing out in pulic again. Should I wear a hat? or pants?
Posted by spacemonkey at October 14, 2005 05:19 PM
Pulic, California is a great place to visit. No pants are necessary.
**
Mr. Duck:
I need to know where pulic is. I want to avoid that place so I’m not forced to witness a pantless spacemonkey.
Posted by Jim Parkinson
Pulic is in Southern California just outside of Crabs County.
**
I am having ladies’ night on my blog. Will there be high female traffic?
Posted by Damian G.
Yes, but remember, it means 2 for 1. So even if you doubled your traffic, you probably still wouldn’t get anybody’s phone number.
**
Dear Dr. Duck,
What are the odds that in the confirmation hearings of Harriet Miers, Ted Kennedy WON’T bring up Roe v. Wade?
I know, I know… Ducks prefer to paddle.
Posted by SeanS
Probably not. Here’s Ted Kennedy ordering a Big Mac at the Drive through.
Ted: I would like a Bic Mac Value Meal.
Clerk: Would you like to supersize that? Just 39 cents extra. Your choice.
Ted: I will always defend a woman’s right to choose!! Can I get a side order of quarter pounder?
**
Dr. Duck,
Why does the poopy smell bad?
Posted by Army NCO Guy
What? This is the first I’ve ever heard of it. Are you sure? Sniff closer. Closer. That’s right — get. Really. Really–.. (let’s cut away — this could get ugly)
**
Dear Dr. Duck,
Did you post this blog just to see how many fanatical readers would ask questions? I smell something fishy… errr… ducky about this whole thing…
Will I win the Powerball Jackpot? Had to ask… maybe you are psychic… psycho?
Enough ramblings….
Posted by Amer-I-Can
Great Question America A Okay — or whatever your name is. I almost forgot I had posted this stuff, so — in a way– what was the question? Oh yea. 23 posters. Not bad!
Yes, you will win the powerball. In fact, my psychic powers tell me you won LAST week. You didn’t buy a ticket. You should have asked me sooner.
**
Thanks all for submitting your questions. Until next week, remember – I’m not a real doctor – I just play one on IMAO.us!!