Have you listened to the Pure Idiom podcast yet? It stars Laurence Simon as The Cat, Nathan from Homocon, and me doing several voices and the comedy is modeled after the currently delayed IMAudiO.
PART 1 OF THE PURE IDIOM PODCAST:
http://www.pureidiom.com/podcast/upandaway_part1.mp3
If you haven’t downloaded the MP3, you can read the first part of the script to whet your appetite for more Pure Idiom.
Oh, and the story about me calling the program director of the top satellite radio provider is sadly, more truthful than I care to admit:

FADE UP INTRO MUSIC
BRUCE CAMPBELL
(audio taken from his in-store appearance in Seattle)
Hi, this is Bruce Campbell and you’re listening to Pure Idiom.
SFX OF AN UNEARTHLY HUM — NATHAN HAMMERS AWAY AT HIS IMPOSSIBILITY ENGINE
NATHAN
That should do it. Just a little bit more…
MORE SFX OF BUILDING NOISES — THE SOUND OF THE DOORBELL DISTRACTS NATHAN, CAUSING HIM TO DROP HIS TOOLS
NATHAN
(annoyed)
Dammit. Who is it?
SFX OF FOOTSTEPS AND DOOR OPENING
SCOTT
Hi, what’s up, Nathan?
NATHAN
Oh, hi… Scott. Uh, what are you doing here?
SCOTT
Just wanted to drop by and ask your advice on something. You know that funny podcast we’ve been doing?
SFX OF DOOR OPENING WIDER — FOOTSTEPS — DOOR CLOSES
NATHAN
Uh, yeah. Pure Idiom has been fun to do but… You know, this is kind of a bad time. Could you maybe come back–?
SCOTT
See, the program director from the number one satellite radio provider just e-mailed me back about the demo CD I sent him of our podcast.
NATHAN
Really? That sounds like good news, Scott. Did he say he liked it?
SCOTT
I dunno. The e-mail just says: “Demo CD received. Call me.” Hmmm. I– I have a bad feeling about this.
NATHAN
Why? It sounds encouraging to me. It’s like the program director for the top comedy channel is saying “Hey Scott, I got the CD of your podcast. Call me to talk about further opportunities in satellite radio.”
SCOTT
Dude, you got all of that out of “CD Received Call Me?”
NATHAN
Well yeah. What did you get out of it?
SCOTT
I thought it sounded more like I was being called down to the principal’s office…
SPOILER ALERT
If this script was a movie, the movie would receive a PG-13 rating from the MPAA for strong language. Do not read any more of this post if you are offended by language you’d hear in any PG-13 movie.
SCOTT (continued)
…That’s why I wanted your advice. You’re a writer and a musician and you traveled around the world a bit, so I figured you might have some advice on what I should do.
NATHAN
(sighs)
What you should do is should stop being such a chickenshit and call the guy back about our podcast demo.
SCOTT
Okay. Thanks Nathan. Mind if I use your phone? It’s a long distance call.
SFX OF PICKING UP PHONE — DIAL TONE — DIALING A LONG NUMBER
NATHAN
(sighs)
Yes.
SFX OF PHONE RINGING THROUGH RECEIVER
SCOTT
Okay, it’s ringing.
PROGRAM DIRECTOR
(Through phone receiver)
Hi, you’ve reached the program director for the number one satellite radio provider in the world. Leave me a voice mail and I’ll return your call as soon as possible.
SCOTT
It’s his voice mail.
FEMALE VOICE
(Through phone receiver)
Begin speaking after the tone. To save your message, press the “pound” key.
NATHAN
Leave him a message.
SCOTT
Thanks for that play call, Coach Obvious.
SCOTT IS INTERRUPTED BY SFX OF BEEP THROUGH PHONE RECEIVER
SCOTT
Oh, uh– Hi, this is Scott– We did that podcast demo CD I overnighted you yesterd– oh, and when I say “we” I mean “we” as in me and my buddy Nathan. He’s standing right here next to me. I’m over at his place right now. Anyway about that demo CD spent to you– I mean the demo CD I “sent” to you– I spent a lot on overnighting it to you and I guess I had a Freudian slip there. Anyway–
NATHAN
What the hell are you doing?!
SCOTT
You told me to leave him a message so I’m leaving a message.
NATHAN
No you’re not! You’re rambling into the phone about current overnight shipping rates to a computer, you dumbass! Get a grip!
SCOTT
Aw crap– Okay, no big deal. I’ll re-record it. These voice mail systems have option to delete your message when you press the “1” key.
SFX OF TOUCH TONE
NATHAN
(After a long pause)
Aren’t you going to say something?
SCOTT
I didn’t hear a prompt telling me to re-record my message.
NATHAN
Maybe it’s not the “1” key to re-record. Some voice mail systems use the “4” key.
SCOTT
Oh. Lemme try the “4” key then.
SFX OF TOUCH TONE
SCOTT
Nope. Nothing.
NATHAN
Star? Did you try hitting the “star” key?
SFX OF TOUCH TONE
SCOTT
Dammit, that didn’t do anything either. Aw man, my shot at satellite radio fame and I’m blowing it.
NATHAN
Did you try the “7” key?
SFX OF TOUCH TONE
SCOTT
Sonofabitch! AAAAAAAAAAAAA!
SFX OF A DOZEN FRANTIC TOUCH TONES
FEMALE VOICE
(Through phone receiver)
Message saved. Thank you.
SFX OF CLICK — DIAL TONE — HANGING UP PHONE
SCOTT
Well, at least I called him back. That’s gotta count for something, right?
NATHAN
Oh yeah. Mission accomplished. Now, and I mean this in the nicest way possible: Get out.
SFX OF UNEARTHLY HUM GETS LOUDER
SCOTT
Wha–? Hey, you’re normally a lot more welcoming than this when I barge in. What gives?
NATHAN It’s a little complicated, but–
SCOTT
Hey! What’s that orange glowing phone booth looking thing standing where your coffee table used to be?
NATHAN
Scott, how long have you been coming over to my house to bother me?
SCOTT
I dunno. A while now–I guess ever since I first moved to this fine West Coast city. You’re the only normal guy I’ve found in this radical lefty burg.
NATHAN
Okay, what I’m about to tell you might come as a shock to you.
SCOTT
Like one of those “holy shit” moments where you find out a truth so shocking that all rational thought escapes you and your only response is to shout “holy shit” over and over again?
NATHAN
Exactly. The truth is: I’m just finishing up the last few bits on my Impossibility Engine.
SCOTT
A what?
NATHAN
An Impossibility Engine. Here, take a look inside
SFX OF DOOR OPENING
NATHAN
I’ll show you how it works. First you press this button here, and punch a series of numbers there, hit this yellow button, and then the engine warps the space-time continuum to instantly transport you anywhere and anytime in the universe. This machine makes the impossible possible.
SCOTT
That’s hardcore, Nathan. Hey, can I use this to pick up chicks?
NATHAN
Um, I was thinking more along the lines of world peace, but I guess it could do something like that.
SCOTT
So, can we take it out for a spin?
NATHAN
Cool by me. Just enter through the door right here — it’s a little cramped on the interior, but I built it to stretch over time.
SCOTT
It stretches?
NATHAN
Yeah, you know, like those saggy ass jeans of yours.
SCOTT
My jeans are not “saggy assed”; they’re generously roomy because that’s the style.
NATHAN
Whatever, Cap’n Flatpants. Space-Time continuums tend to pull at the fabric of material life, so once we use this baby a couple of times, it should be plenty cozy. That is, if it works at all.
SCOTT
Whoa! You’ve never tried anything in it before?
NATHAN
I did put my cat though it this morning.
SFX OF CAT MEOWING
SCOTT
No kidding? Tinkerbell doesn’t look any worse for wear, and he came back okay.
NATHAN
Not like it would have been a great loss if he hadn’t.
SFX OF CAT HISSING
SCOTT
True dat. Aw, Tinky-Wink, you stupid cat. I’m sure Nathan doesn’t mean it.
NATHAN
Yes, I do — he pissed in my shoes this morning and he’s in a lot of trouble. Now put that damn thing down — he’s not coming with us.
SCOTT
(baby talk)
What? You’d travel through warped space without your favorite Tinkle-winkle?
SFX OF CAT SAD MEOWING
NATHAN
That sounds really gay, but you’ve got a point: he’d claw the furniture to shreds the second we leave. You can come, Tink, but I warn you, if you get in the way, I’m jettisoning you out the hatch
SCOTT
Ooooh, I’m calling PETA.
NATHAN
Shut up and get serious for a minute. I have to concentrate on getting this thing moving.
SCOTT
Bitch-bitch-bitch…
NATHAN
It’s my Impossibility Engine, Now pay attention.
SFX OF CAT MEOWING INQUISITIVELY
NATHAN
No, not you, Tinkle — I was talking to Scott. Here’s how you activate the Engine. Press that button and punch in a series of numbers.
SCOTT
What numbers?
NATHAN
Any numbers you want. The Impossibility Engine interprets the random numbers as coordinates from your subconscious, and then takes us wherever it is you most want to go.
SCOTT
Okay, subconscious. Time to throw down some chicks, fast cars and rock and roll!
SFX OF TYPING ON A KEYBOARD
NATHAN
Now hit that yellow button
SFX OF KLAXON
SCOTT
Wha–What does that do?
NATHAN
Nothing, it just amuses me. Here we go!
SFX OF CAT SCREECHING
SCOTT AND NATHAN YELL IN STEREO PANNING LEFT TO RIGHT
SFX OF WHOOSES CHIMES AND CLANKS UNDER YELL; WHEN YELL IS PANNED TO RIGHT, SFX OF LOUD CYMBAL CRASH, WHOOSH, AND THUD
SCOTT
What the hell was that?
NATHAN
That, my friend, was a ride in the Impossibility Engine.
SFX OF DOOR OPENING
SCOTT
Are you smokin’ crack? We’re still in your living room! I swear Nathan, I thought this was gonna be one of those “holy shit” moments and the ride in the Impossibility Engine was just a bunch of loud noises and bright lights! Hell, I could’ve gotten that same experience at any planetarium in America during the weekly Pink Floyd laser show!
CAT
Yeah, but you would’ve had to sit between two dreadlocked hippies reeking of pot and patchouli
SCOTT
True, but I would’ve heard all the– hey, are you some kind of ventriloquist?
NATHAN
What do you mean?
SCOTT
Your lips didn’t move when you made that pot-smoking hippie comment.
NATHAN
I didn’t say that.
SCOTT
Oh, and I suppose your cat said it.
CAT
I did. And am I wrong about Pink Floyd laser shows attracting a disproportionate number of unwashed, pot-smoking hippies?
SCOTT
Holy shit!
NATHAN
Tinkerbell! You can talk?
SCOTT
Holy shit!
CAT
I’ve always been able to talk — you’ve just been too stupid to understand what I’ve been saying all these years.
SCOTT
Holy shit!
NATHAN
Wow, the Impossibility Engine must’ve altered your feline brain patterns and vocal chords to allow for human like speech.
SCOTT
Holy shit!
CAT
Hey, let’s not try to overanalyze it, Rocket Scientist. Just accept the fact that you now understand the glorious language of Feline.
SCOTT
Holy shit!
CAT
I suggest we fire up the Impossibility Engine again to alter his brain patterns to say something other than “holy shit.”
SCOTT
No, I got it. I’m okay. It’s just the shock of it all. Wow, the Tink talks. How the Impossibility Engine got a talking cat out of my subconscious, I’ll never know. I don’t even like cats.
CAT
The universe is cruel and shit happens. If I were you I wouldn’t waste any money on lotto tickets.
NATHAN
Wow, Tinki-Winks a total smart ass. I like it!
CAT
Thanks. Let’s fire up the Impossibility Engine again and see if we can actually go somewhere this time. I’d drive, but the last time I tried to signal the mothership on your Mac, you squirted me with a water bottle.
NATHAN
I’ll drive.
SFX OF IMPOSSIBILITY ENGINE
CAT
We seem to have arrived.
SCOTT BABBLES INCOHERENTLY
CAT
Funny, but I think he almost started to make sense.
NATHAN
Tell me about it.
SCOTT
What a ride! I feel like I’ve been turned inside out and then worn like a jacket.
NATHAN
I’m so excited to find out where we are. Here goes…
SFX OF DOOR OPENING — HOWLING WIND AND LASHING RAIN
SCOTT
What the–?
CAT
Charming place to have landed– You sure you don’t want to drop by an exploding volcano afterwards?
NATHAN
(yelling)
I think we’ve landed in the middle of a Hurricane!
SFX OF A MAN SCREAMING AS HE’S CARRIED PAST IN THE WIND
SCOTT
Whoa, I think that was Shepard Smith.
SFX OF MULTIPLE SCREAMS FLYING PAST IN THE WIND
CAT
There goes his film crew. It looks like they’re gonna blow all the way to Aruba. Say hi to Natalee for us!
NATHAN
I think I’ve just landed us in the middle of Hurricane Katrina. Tinky — I think you need to step outside first and investigate.
CAT
Fuck that, you go first.
NATHAN
You are so never getting another bite of Tender Vittles.
CAT
Oh, punish me some more.
SCOTT
I’ll go… Might as well dance in the jaws of the dragon one time, ya know what I’m sayin’?
CAT
Uh, no.
NATHAN
I never know what the hell you’re saying.
SFX OF DOOR OPENING
SCOTT
Yeah! Check me out, boys!
SFX OF HOWLING WIND GETS LOUDER
SCOTT
‘Cause here I am…
SFX OF HUGE WIND GUST
SCOTT
(voice trails off in the WIND GUST)
Rock you like a hurr-ee-caaaaaaaaane!
CAT
Damn, have you ever seen a human being tossed about like that?
NATHAN
No. It’s like he’s a little stuffed toy
SFX OF WIND GUST UNDER AS SCOTT MAKES NOISE LIKE THE SINGER FROM THE SCORPIONS’ BIZARRE “SCAT” SINGING IN THEIR SONG ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE. SOUND PANS LEFT-TO-RIGHT
CAT
God, this makes me happy!
SFX OF METALLIC CLUNK AND WHIMPER FROM SCOTT
NATHAN
Ow! That’s gotta hurt. We can’t just sit here in and watch while he’s tossed about like linguine at the Olive Garden.
CAT
I’m perfectly content with doing nothing and waiting for FEMA.
NATHAN
I can’t stand it anymore. I’m going out after him!
CAT
Suit yourself.
SFX OF HUGE WIND GUST
CAT
Finally, the place to myself. Now, what buttons do I push to get the hell out of here?
SFX OF ENGINE WARM-UP — CLICKING OF BUTTONS — KLAXON
NATHAN
Tinkie! Don’t you dare leave us to die here in this hurricane!
CAT
It’s not my fault that you didn’t catch the first bus out when the wind began to blow. Oh, wait, there were no buses out of the city, were there? Sucks to be you.
SCOTT
(yelling, from afar)
Hey, look — I found some love beads! Aaaaaah!
SFX OF HURRICANE — SCOTT AND NATHAN YELL AS THEY ARE WHIPPED AROUND IN THE WIND
END PART ONE