Great. There’s the graphic violence warning. That just means someone else we like is gonna die.
Previously on 24, Tony’s supposedly “dead” (yeah, right, where was the fan-fare). DHS is taking over CTU, President Estro is totally doing martial law based on the Veep’s “advice”. Half-Neckid Man-Girl gave up Audrey as her contact. Booty Call told Jack about Man-Girl. Wayne Palmer was attacked by terrorists on his way to see Aaron with vital information.

Ok, so the new ep starts, and Bill Buchanan tells Audrey that he has to detain her. “But why? Does Jack want to talk about our relationship in private? I’ve been wanting to do that, but he’s always brushing me off because of “National Security.” Pshhht. As if!”
Bill tells Audrey that she gave info to terrorists, and she says that’s not true, and did Jack sanction this? Oh yeah, he did, and he’s totally going to strangle your pinkytoe later!
Jack is talking to Man-Girl (who doesn’t have a man’s body, just to clarify, she just has a manly jawline. Not my fault.). He tells her he’s totally gonna make her sorry if she’s lying.
Buchanan is arguing with Mr. F, saying that he’s known Audrey for years (18 months, to be exact), and they can’t do aggressive interrogation on her. Jack walks in to Mr. F (after his super-fast magic-carpet ride to CTU) and tells her they need to let him interrogate Audrey. NO! LET SARAHK DO IT! Jack threatens Mr. F and tells her that if she’s wrong and interrogates Audrey the wrong way, her daddy, the SecDef, is totally gonna kick Mr. F’s pinkytoe. Mr. F is like, “but what if she’s guilty?” and Jack is like, “You’re a retard! Maybe we should figure it out first! Is your name Kellie Pickler?”
Terrorists are doing something, but really, do we pay attention before they actually do something? They’re heading toward a target with lots of canisters. Whatever, this is about STRANGLING AUDREY!
Chloe tells Jack that Audrey and Walt Cummings were totally DOING IT! They stayed in the same room at the same hotel and whoa. That makes her an adultering fornicator, and yay! I have reason to hate her! Woohoo! And Jack has totally forgotten that he was doing it with Diane, and Chloe is like, “Sweeeeet! I got to tell Jack that Audrey’s a whore!”
Sherry shows up and wants to talk to Chloe. She’s there to replace Edgar. I know this girl, what was she on before. Chloe and the new girl are gonna have chamomile tea later, I feel it in my bones. New girl and that Mr. M from DHS are eyeing each other like they’ve DONE IT before.
Jack goes in and questions Audrey. Audrey’s like, “But we used to DO IT, Jack, you totally know I couldn’t be bad!” And Jack’s like, “Yeah, but I’ve DONE IT with lots of girls, you the least of them.” Jack asks if Audrey knows Walt or Robocop. She says she’s met Walt a couple of times, and Jack’s like, where? And Audrey’s like, “Oh just office parties, no biggie,” and Jack’s like, “YOU WHORE! YOU SHARED A ROOM WITH HIM LAST YEAR!” And she’s like, “Oh yeah. But you know, it was only because you died, and he’d just separated from his wife, and I totally broke up with him.” And Jack says, “Why?” and she says, “Because he wasn’t you.” And SarahK is like, “Gag me with a spoon!” And Audrey’s like, “I only didn’t tell you because he turned out to be a traitor, and no, really, that’s it!” And Jack totally wants to kill her, and he’s holding her up against the wall by the neck, and I’m LOVING IT! And Jack’s like, “This convo is totally over, man,” and Audrey has totally won.
Chloe asks Sherry why Mr. M from DHS is so hostile toward her. And Sherry tells Chloe that a while back, they worked together, and she had to file a SEXual harrassment charge against him because he was a total fiend, and she says, I shouldn’t mess up, and Chloe says, “Uh, yeah.”
Jack says Audrey is done being interrogated because he can’t take it any more, and Bill says that DHS’s Mr. F wants her questioned more. Me? I just want Jack to strangle her once more. Maybe twice more. Jack starts strangling people just for fun, and Audrey’s being taken away, and Jack’s been taken into custody.
Robocop is talking to his buddy asking if Wayne is dead yet. “No, but he will be soon!” Aaron, the greatest SS agent EVER, asks where Wayne is. He decides to go out and look for Palmer, and I’m like, “Why is Wayne alive and David’s dead? Is that justice?”
Jack tells Mr. F that Audrey is innocent. “Why?” “Because I DID IT with her! And Nina Meyers is — anyway, forget about Nina, this is about Audrey, and she’s whiney and stuff, but I totally know she’s not lying.”
Do we really need a sexual harrassment subplot right now? This new girl (whom I really want to call Jamie, because she reminds me of Jamie from the first season) is fighting with Mr. M, and Chloe comes to her rescue and tells Mr. M that if he doesn’t shut up and stop being a pinkytoehead, she’ll file a complaint with Division and show him what protocol is all about. And SarahK’s like, “I love Chloe!”
At a gas company (Wilshire, which is totally the name of the hotel in Pretty Woman — the Regent Beverly Wilshire), the terrorists arrive and shoot people. They want to go to the control room. Ok, just don’t shoot me, I’ll take you there. So they’re gonna put the nerve gas in the gasoline, but that’s ok, because gas prices are so high that everyone in L.A. owns electric french-fry cars now, so no one will die. Aw, how sweet for it to end so cleanly! Frank says it’s a natural gas pipeline, so I’m totally bummed that my joke no longer works. Darnit! I hate it when I’m not funny!
Terrorist tells the gas guy to reduce the pipeline’s PSI by 1/2 in the next half hour (whew! I was worried that it wouldn’t be within the hour!) or he kills people.
Audrey’s about to be tortured. Can I start cheering? Dangit, I hate it when Frank has a headache and I can’t yell.
Wayne tells Aaron to drop his gun, and after he points his gun at the back of Aaron’s head, Aaron says, “Whoa, it’s me. Don’t hurt me.” And they get happy and go terrorist hunting together.
Audrey is being tortured (translation: talked to harshly, wooo, poor baby). I think they injected something too, but big whoop. I inject myself every evening. It’s not that bad.
Jack goes back to Man-Girl and asks why she’s fingering Audrey in the whole thing. She admits that Robocop told her to blame Audrey for everything. Now, is there really anything wrong with that? Jack forces Man-Girl to tell him where it is, and it’s the natural gas distribution center, though they don’t know why. See, we’re all-electric-type people. We don’t want anyone to be able to distribute anything via natural gas, so we go electric.
Audrey’s all freaked out and sweaty, and whew, get that girl a blow dryer because she looks like a wet chihuahua right now. Ew. They’re kissing. Blech. Cognac shrimp a second time. My esophagus hurts from the throw-up acid.
Jack just said, “I’ll be right back.” Did he learn nothing from the Scream movies? You never say you’ll be right back, because that means you’ll be right dead! Stupid Jack!
New girl figures out that the PSI thing would happen, so they figure out which natural gas plant is under attack. When Bill walks away, new girl tells Chloe that Bill’s hand brushed her shoulder, and that was wrong. New girl’s a whiney liberal. That’s the only way to describe her. Boohoo, he accidentally touched her. Ok, I’m pretty sure she’s the girl who was on Felicity and every time I see that show in reruns I always think it’s Jennifer Garner and then I decide she’s not JG.
On the way back from the bathroom just now, I smacked my ankle on the TV-trays holder. I could cry right now.
Ok, so they’re headed to the gas place. To be honest, I’m more interested in Tony (who’s not actually dead), Chloe and the new psycho-girl, and Audrey, because it was really cool seeing her strangled. My ankle hurts.
Chloe is trying to help Jack pinpoint where in the gas place he needs to attack, and Jack’s yelling because he’s sexually frustrated (wouldn’t you be if you OUAT DID IT with Audrey?). I think my ankle is swelling. Chloe tells Jack to hurry. But we’re only half-way through the season (as of last week), so if they catch Bierko now, what will we do for the next 11 hours?).
Jack tells everyone to turn their silencers off. (??? Am I the only one who finds this silly?) Anyone notice that Curtis is there? I wonder if he’s gonna die. I’ll be mad if he does.
The canisters have been activated by remote by Bierko (i’m so confused. where’s Robocop?), so Jack wants to blow up the gas with C-4 so the gas doesn’t go to the houses and the Centox will be incinerated.
Everything starts blowing up, but Jack just has to chase Bierko. Jack looks at Bierko, and Bierko falls down. There are lots of explosions. And the beep-boop of the end of the air.
My ankle hurts.
Next week: Audrey asks Curtis if Jack is there, and Curtis is like, “Am I my Jackie’s keeper?”. CTU is being taken over by DHS. Elaine (Martha’s aide) is someone’s source inside the White House (assumably Robocop’s). Note: They do not show Jack nor Tony on the show next week, which mean’s they’re both alive.