I’m on the Michael Moore mailing list, and he’s been e-mailing quite a bit more lately. Here’s his newest (it’s really meant for his faithful and not conservatives) with a few of my own comments:
A Liberal’s Pledge to Disheartened Conservatives
November 14th, 2006
To My Conservative Brothers and Sisters,
I know you are dismayed and disheartened at the results of last week’s election. You’re worried that the country is heading toward a very bad place you don’t want it to go. Your 12-year Republican Revolution has ended with so much yet to do, so many promises left unfulfilled. You are in a funk, and I understand.
Michael Moore is a fat, disgusting man with so sense of morals and no actual compassion for his fellow man as he has demonstrated on numerous occasions. That’s not really relevant to the passage, but I feel I need to get that out of the way.
Well, cheer up, my friends! Do not despair. I have good news for you. I, and the millions of others who are now in charge with our Democratic Congress, have a pledge we would like to make to you, a list of promises that we offer you because we value you as our fellow Americans. You deserve to know what we plan to do with our newfound power — and, to be specific, what we will do to you and for you.
Are they going to be patronizing and full of liberals’ absurd arrogance at their perceived moral authority? Because I love that stuff.
Thus, here is our Liberal’s Pledge to Disheartened Conservatives:
Dear Conservatives and Republicans,
I, and my fellow signatories, hereby make these promises to you:
1. We will always respect you for your conservative beliefs. We will never, ever, call you “unpatriotic” simply because you disagree with us. In fact, we encourage you to dissent and disagree with us.
Yes, you’ll just call us stupid and evil as always because alternate beliefs scare and confuse you.
BTW, anyone who takes Michael Moore, a man that openly hates America and what it stands for, seriously is by definition “unpatriotic” and should go to traitor prison (which is for stupid traitors). Don’t call me “unpatriotic” for this belief; I’m simply dissenting and disagreeing.
Hey, are people going to finally be allowed to dissent and disagree on college campuses or is that still a crime of the highest order?
2. We will let you marry whomever you want, even when some of us consider your behavior to be “different” or “immoral.” Who you marry is none of our business. Love and be in love — it’s a wonderful gift.
And here comes the polygamy and the farm animals.
I still don’t think Michael Moore has a chance with a female of any species, though.
3. We will not spend your grandchildren’s money on our personal whims or to enrich our friends. It’s your checkbook, too, and we will balance it for you.
You’ll spend out money on boondoggles for things we don’t like to the benefit of people we hate.
The budget was balanced in a time of (perceived) peace with a Republican Congress conflicting with a Democrat President. Not seeing the same results this time.
4. When we soon bring our sons and daughters home from Iraq, we will bring your sons and daughters home, too. They deserve to live. We promise never to send your kids off to war based on either a mistake or a lie.
If you had any sons and daughters, you probably ate them. Those who make up our military are called men and women who chose to serve, and they hate fat bastards who undermine what they fight for and try to encourage the enemy to get everyone killed. If you bring them all home, they will be angry and come after you.
5. When we make America the last Western democracy to have universal health coverage, and all Americans are able to get help when they fall ill, we promise that you, too, will be able to see a doctor, regardless of your ability to pay. And when stem cell research delivers treatments and cures for diseases that affect you and your loved ones, we’ll make sure those advances are available to you and your family, too.
You try and screw up healthcare, I will hurt you. Then you’ll need medical treatment, but healthcare will now be rationed and you’ll have to sit and wait to be helped. And, while you’re waiting, I’ll hurt you again.
Perhaps then you will see the flaw in the system.
And I’m not selling my soul for your voodoo magic. I like, everyone else, am happy to help fund stem cell research, but you want to focus on the dubious embryonic stem cell research, don’t force me to pay for it or I will hurt you. And then you better hope the government hasn’t screwed up healthcare yet.
6. Even though you have opposed environmental regulation, when we clean up our air and water, we, the Democratic majority, will let you, too, breathe the cleaner air and drink the purer water.
::shrugs::
Where is this polluted air and water? Maybe you just need to get out of your house more and check that your tap water isn’t connected to your sewage system– unless you like it that way.
7. Should a mass murderer ever kill 3,000 people on our soil, we will devote every single resource to tracking him down and bringing him to justice. Immediately. We will protect you.
Admit you laughed when you wrote that last sentence.
“Those fierce liberals are going to protect us! I hear one of them even owns a starter pistol!”
Too timid to march our military into a foreign country (don’t want to risk the lives of those po’ wittle children who wear the uniform), you’ll approach this has a law enforcement matter, forever negotiating with the corrupt government of the Middle East to turn over terrorists.
Yeah, that’ll show ’em; they’ll never attack us again.
8. We will never stick our nose in your bedroom or your womb. What you do there as consenting adults is your business. We will continue to count your age from the moment you were born, not the moment you were conceived.
Okay, I don’t even know what that last sentence is supposed to mean. Maybe his fat fingers just stumbled a bit.
Yeah, the liberal are okay on funky sex and killing babies up until the point they’re half way out (or even sometimes after their accidentally born in a botched abortion; why split hairs), but if population control becomes a shiny new idea for them again, then they will have more than a few things to say about what you do in the bedroom.
9. We will not take away your hunting guns. If you need an automatic weapon or a handgun to kill a bird or a deer, then you really aren’t much of a hunter and you should, perhaps, pick up another sport. We will make our streets and schools as free as we can from these weapons and we will protect your children just as we would protect ours.
I don’t give a rat’s ass about hunting. If you try and take my handgun, you better hope your universal healthcare system has good “shot in the face” care.
What are a bunch of unarmed people to criminals? Targets.
I thought even liberals gave up on the idea that the way to make people safe is to make them helpless. There is no greater right than that of self-defense, and I would trade my freedom of speech to continue being able to carry a gun.
And then I’d take my freedom of speech back because I have a gun.
I don’t want liberals to protect children like they protect their own; they probably don’t even know where they are right now (they don’t want to be overbearing). Plus Michael Moore eats his.
And, just for the record, you’d have to be a really good hunter to hunt with a handgun.
10. When we raise the minimum wage, we will pay you — and your employees — that new wage, too. When women are finally paid what men make, we will pay conservative women that wage, too.
I don’t want a minimum wage! That’s why I went to college!
And could you tell the kids at the local McDonalds to stop screwing up my order; if you’re getting a minimum wage, I expect a minimum level of effort.
Finally, if women want the same pay as men, then work the same as men. That’s what most do. If liberals are going to come in and screw with capitalism because of some half-assed statistics you have about unequal pay, then, once again, you better hope you have that free healthcare because you’re going to need it when I come after you.
::shakes fist::
11. We will respect your religious beliefs, even when you don’t put those beliefs into practice. In fact, we will actively seek to promote your most radical religious beliefs (“Blessed are the poor,” “Blessed are the peacemakers,” “Love your enemies,” “It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God,” and “Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.”). We will let people in other countries know that God doesn’t just bless America, he blesses everyone. We will discourage religious intolerance and fanaticism — starting with the fanaticism here at home, thus setting a good example for the rest of the world.
If I see one more idiot who wouldn’t know a Bible from a TV Guide try and quote a few verses with absolutely no knowledge of the context or what they mean, I’m going to do some very un-Christian things (and I actually understand what Christian is).
Yeah, stop the fanaticism at home; that’s show the terrorists. If we can just get those Christians to stop preaching against fornication, then the terrorists will stop blowing up children!
Did you get really really hungry one day and eat part of your own brain?
12. We will not tolerate politicians who are corrupt and who are bought and paid for by the rich. We will go after any elected leader who puts him or herself ahead of the people. And we promise you we will go after the corrupt politicians on our side FIRST. If we fail to do this, we need you to call us on it. Simply because we are in power does not give us the right to turn our heads the other way when our party goes astray. Please perform this important duty as the loyal opposition.
You’re going after Murtha? What will everyone think if you eat a war hero?
And what’s your stance on corrupt documentary filmmakers?
I promise all of the above to you because this is your country, too. You are every bit as American as we are. We are all in this together. We sink or swim as one. Thank you for your years of service to this country and for giving us the opportunity to see if we can make things a bit better for our 300 million fellow Americans — and for the rest of the world.
Signed,
Michael Moore
mmflint@aol.com
www.michaelmoore.com
You’re fat and you smell. Pass your stupid bills, but you don’t you dare touch my stuff!
I’m cranky today. I think I’m going to do some meditative breathing now.
I sometimes wonder what it would be like if I was a complete moron with only a partial brain. Thanks to Michael Mooore, I now know.
Nothing like being condescended to by an imbecile.
“10. When we raise the minimum wage, we will pay you — and your employees — that new wage, too. When women are finally paid what men make, we will pay conservative women that wage, too.”
Wow this is going to annoy a lot of people.
1)The Female engineers here at (unamed large Pharma company) would have a problem with DROPPING their salaries to match the Male engineers with the same qualifications and experience.
But if you take the idiot at exactly what was written above, I see the bigger problem being that:
2)I don’t see any of the professionals (process chemist and engineers) I work with (male or female) or our skilled chemical operators for that matter will want to take a pay cut down to the minimum wage.
As a woman I don’t want to earn what the men are earning. THAT’S WHY I PUT MY HUSBAND THROUGH COLLEGE!!!! Now I can stay home and thoroughly indoctrinate my children.
The dems better enjoy themselves because they have very little time left. In one generation they will be overwhelmingly outnumbered by the spawn of the right.
I don’t care how much weight Michael Moore has lost, he’s still a fat unshaven dirtbag.
Why is it everytime I read or see something from Michael Moore, I immediately feel compeled to shower with borax and steel wool?
And did you notice how he’s got yet another reference to Flint, MI in his email address? Claiming that poor town is the closet thing to street cred he’ll ever have, even though he didn’t really grow up there, and he doesn’t live anywhere near the place.
Mikey could easily lose 100 lbs of ugly fat by cutting off his head. Call it the “IslamoAtkins Diet”.
I’ll not mince words here. That bloated, duplicitous, cretinous skidmark can take his smug fracking condescesion and shove it up his cavernous arse! But knowing him, he’d probably enjoy that too much, so I guess he should just STFU!
“There is no great(er) right than that of self-defense, and I would trade my freedom of speech to keep being able to carry a gun.
And then I’d take my freedom of speech back because I have a gun.”
I love that quote… that needs to be on a t-shirt.
Funny, I don’t recall seeing his name on any ballots. I guess Babs will be setting policy for the dems next.
He puts the “Hippo” in hypocrisy. Also, he put another hippo in his belleh!
I wonder what Michael Moore would be like if he were an actual intelligent life form.
I agree with starfox5253, I smell a t-shirt.
Two T-Shirts!!! The gun quote and PaleoMedic’s – a pic of Moore with “Putting the Hippo in Hypocracy” under it…
I’ll buy a couple of the gun quote tshirts!! Christmas is coming up.
I agree with hwy93. Exactly what position was MM elected to? He wasn’t on my ballot. Maybe pompous-bloviate-in-charge?
“There is no great(er) right than that of self-defense, and I would trade my freedom of speech to keep being able to carry a gun.
And then I’d take my freedom of speech back because I have a gun.”
I’d like a gun shirt that said that too!!
I made sure to sent him an e-thank you & sign his pledge. He truly is a legend in his own mind. And what’s with this “we” crap he’s talking? Did he get elected to the Office of the Sanctimonious?
In essence: “When we impose socialism, you’ll be a serf, too, but we won’t kill you. (Unless you resist.)” Gosh, I’m feeling better already!
I will now hold Michael Moore personally responsible for all the Democrats’ crap for the next two years.
It might not be so bad, as long as there is a “rider” on the bill requiring those who vote for it and their descendents “in perpetuity” are responsible for paying for them. (Something no DemoCRAP would ever do.
P.S. I am keeping a bullet back for him.
TTTTTTT-SHIRRRRRRRRRRRRT! But WITHOUT the picture of Moore. I’m thinking the quote on the back of the shirt, w/ a backdrop of the Flag, and underneath a large picture of a crossed M1911 and Ka-Bar.
it’s funny how there’s no words to describe the rage I feel at the condescending crap We have to take from our Liberal “superiors”. Somehow it seems it can only be adequately expressed through gunfire – exquisitely aimed gunfire…
Great work Frank! This stuff is why I started visiting IMAO in the first place. Keep it up!
Can I get those T-shirts in different sizes? How ’bout one in camo, in honor of our brave service men and women?
This is going to be a fun two years.
You know, I’m starting to think that whole list was a hidden dig at conservatives!
HKPistole,
They are not our “LiberalSuperiors”.
They are our Liberal Oppressors!
A quick thing about the woman versus man payment thing.
It all goes back to this simple arguement. If i can pay a woman less than what i pay a man for doing the same work….. then why in the hell would i hire a man. Business owners are not endowned by this sense that it is boys club and they are there to prop up men, they are there to make money, and if you cna make more money by paying your workers less then they will do it. But since moore is into communism with his million dollar home i guess he doesnt understand how capitalism works.
You know, I was all set for a quiet evening at home, watching television. But now I think I will be teaching my children how to tear down, clean and reassemble all our rifles.
Mr. Mooreon,
I do not own combat weapontry for the purpose of hunting. I own them because your ilk is in the habbit of releasing dangerous criminals (the we conservitves would either keep in jail or put to death) back on our streets. I also own them because of the realistic possibility that you and your minions are avidly tering apart our constitution and our military. If you are so dead-set on taking away our 2nd amandment rights, I invite you yourself to set foot on my property and try to take them away.
* I do not care what happens in anyone’s bedroom. I just don’t care to continuously hear about it. I also don’t care for the militant homosexuals trying to acclimate our kids to the idea, especially at an age where they particularly don’t need to know about sex, period.
* If you want socialized health care, move to Canada or Cuba and see how well it works there.
* The only people who make minimum wage are those too stupid to do anything else. I have not made minimum wage since my high school afternoon job at a gas station. If you do not like minimum wage, get an education or a better job. The only reason you are not making minimum wage is that Hollywood is full of overpaid morons like yourself that don’t have enough sense to know how ignorant you really are.
* Not spend my money on personal whims? You adjenda and track record speks quite to the contrary; that’s all you ever do.
If you really want to make America a better place, I have a simple and inexpensive solution; shut your mouth and move to France…the entire population will appreciate your diatribe.
So gentle, polite and respectful of the Left to make us such promises. How could we possibly promise to do less? We can’t, not without showing ingratitude on a scale that would make us–DemoCRAPs.
Therefore, to demonstrate our gratitude for your overt generosity, we shall reciprocate with the following pledge:
We pledge to show the new Democrat majority every bit as much open-mindedness, honesty, plurality, thoughtfulness, politeness, cooperation, civility and consideration as they’ve been showing us for the past six years.
Every. Single. Bit.
So gentle, polite and respectful of the Left to make us such promises. How could we possibly promise to do less? We can’t, not without showing ingratitude on a scale that would make us–DemoCRAPs.
Therefore, to demonstrate our gratitude for your overt generosity, we shall reciprocate with the following pledge:
We pledge to show the new Democrat majority every bit as much open-mindedness, honesty, plurality, thoughtfulness, politeness, cooperation, civility and consideration as they’ve been showing us for the past six years.
Every. Single. Bit.
I personally invite Mr. Michael Mooreon to come visit me. I ask that he please just come right in without knocking. And, when he gets shot….he realizes that he is a true communist…and well dies. If he and his leftist pals (read schumer, pelosi, kennedy…….) would open their eyes, they might possibly realize that the second amendment is the reason that there is the first, and the other eight. If he or anybody else thinks that I’ll ever give up my guns they’ll have to dodge some lead. “FROM MY COLD, DEAD, HANDS”–Charlton Heston
As far as the rest of his promises go…I think that he has his head so far up his a** that he doesn’t know which way to go. I hope that France will welcome Mr. Moore when he gets deported for treason.
Michael Moore is a big fat idiot. He claims to be tolerant yet he mocks Christians and pisses on the name of Christ by doing so. He should make a documentary called “Fat Ass” and it should just be him eating constantly, as he must do since he is such a fatass. He needs help, he can’t control his eating and how many impressionable teens who think this idiot is “cool” are going to eat themselves to death trying to be like their idol?
Plus he was rude to Heston, and that’s just not right.