Oh Muslim, oh servant of Allah, this is a Jew behind me, come and kill him!
I’m completely serious. Right now, there is a Jew hiding behind me. I can’t see him too well – he is behind me as I stated – but I’m sure he’s a Jew so one of you Muslims better come quick and kill him, praise Allah.
Hello? Someone out there? Come on! I know today is not the day of resurrection so I’m jumping the gun a bit, but I figured what’s the chance of a Jew ever actually hiding behind me? But, today, there is a Jew right behind me, and it is my day to shine. So, I’m calling out best I can… which is new for me. We trees are pretty quiet. I hope you appreciate the effort I’m making here, and thus maybe, if it’s not too inconvenient, one of you faithful Muslims could come over here and kill the Jew.
Okay. Fine. Ignore me. Right now the Jew is sitting behind me probably counting his money… or maybe counting your money – and is completely unkilled and no one seems to care. Wait until the Prophet Mohammad hears about this one. You think you’ll be getting virgins? Oh no, not for you. You ignored the tree. You’ll get crack whores.
Yeah, I made that last part up. Honestly, I’m not too up on theology since I never read the Koran; again, I’m a tree. All I know it to call out if there’s a Jew behind me, so here I am doing my part. Remember: I’m doing you a favor. Muslim, Jew, Hindu… what do I care? I’m a tree. I just thought I’d do a little community service and call out for a Jew to be killed. I guess that was my mistake. Mea culpa. I’ll never do it again.
Hey! You shut up, rock! The Jew is behind me! Yeah, he’s near you, but he’s hiding behind me. You only get to call out if the Jew is actually hiding behind you, capisce? He’s my Jew, so you keep quiet!
Great! Now the Jew has ran away. Maybe all the trees and rocks yelling out for him to be killed scared him away; I really don’t know how a Jew mind works. Well, Muslims, you botched this one. You had the tree calling out and everything, but I guess you were all just too busy. And, I guess with the infidels invade, you’ll all be too busy to blow yourself up in their marketplace. “Well, it was a fine religion while it lasted, but everyone just decided to ignore the tree and it all went downhill.” Yep, that’s what they’ll say.
Still, if you want to try and redeem yourself, there’s a squirrel in my branches that’s starting to annoy me. If you’d kill him, that would be awesome and I’d put a good word in for you to Allah.
Hello?
The tree is a regular contributor to photosynthesis, and, while it’s never written a book, it has been involved in the publication of nearly every title out there.
Trees are so selfish…
Silly tree. You should have waited until they were done with their hourly goat-buggering session.
lol! that was great!
I hope that many Jew-hating trees died to make your book Frank, or does your book cry out for Lair to be killed anytime he picks it up and reads it? You should put a warning on your book that if you’re Jewish, reading your book could bring with it a slight chance of death and maybe eyestrain if read in poor light. Although I guess that last one would apply to everyone and not just the Jews.
No doubt this tree is also an environmentalist; I say nuke it now.
I bet if Dorothy and her friends would have just killed one Jew that was hiding behind the talking trees, they would have gladly given them all the apples they wanted.
I mean, come on, Tin Man had an axe; Cowardly Lion wasn’t too scared to eat all those Christians; Scarecrow was always up for a mindless hate crime.
Apples for all, praise Allah…
Stupid tree, stop writing editorials and get back out there and photoshynthesize some CO2 and reduce Global Warming!!! I hate 70 degree days in Janua….
Nevermind, keep up the good work. I’m going for a ride in my convertible.
I think that I shall never see
A lowly Jew hiding behind a tree
Indeed, unless the Jewish state doth fall
I’ll never see a tree at all.
One, I stood behind a shoe tree and it cried out that I was behind it.
Classic, do you do burning bush impersonations too?
Thought that was the ugly tree that the Hildabeast fell out of, but realized not nearly enough branches.
DohXs,
I believe the answer is that the roots took pleasure in pimp-slapping her as well.
Well done, Frank! I needed a good laugh today!
All time 10 Best of Frank J.!
Priceless, up to and including the author blurb 🙂
That ol’ tree just needs a hug, so someone go rally the hippie doofuses on our college campuses, and then we’ll drop a daisycutter on the whole lot of ’em.