I should take this day to mention that the Irish are a blight to mankind. They are subhuman creatures best contained to their little island. The less said about those cretinous potato-eaters, the better. That’s why I won’t vote for Barack; his name sounds too Irish: “O’Bama.” I wouldn’t be surprised to find his real middle name is “Paddy.”
I once went on a Europe vacation. I traveled all over the continent, but no matter what bar I stopped and asked to sample their liquors, the answer I always got was, “Sorry, the Irish got here before you and drank it all.” Lesson learned: You have to get up pretty early in the morning to get to a bar before the Irish.
Put your Irish jokes in the comments. Don’t worry about offending them; they’re all illiterate.
Archive of entries posted on March 2008
McCain Gives VP Nod to Mitt Romney’s Hair
WASHINGTON (AP) – Having locked up the Republican presidential nomination, McCain surprised political analysts by naming his vice presidential running mate. In a press conference today, McCain chose Mitt Romney’s hair.
![]() |
“Choosing a vice president is all about balancing a ticket,” said McCain. “Mitt Romney has the kind of sleek, well-trimmed mane that makes people think of Kennedy or Reagan. I’ve got a combover that would make Donald Trump blush. Between the two of us, we make one important-looking figurehead that anyone would be proud to call ‘Commander-in-Chief’.”
Although pundits nationwide were quick to question the sanity of only choosing Romney as a running mate from the follicles up, the Republican de facto nominee claimed that it was the only logical choice. “From the forehead down, Romney bears too great a resemblance to annoying comic actor Steve Carell to win any sort of popular support from anyone who’s ever seen The Office, Evan Almighty, The 40 Year Old Virgin, or anything else Carell’s irksome, clown-like visage and trademark imbecile smirk have desecrated.”
“What I and my straggly white combover REALLY need,” concluded McCain, “is a solid dose of important-lookingness. The kind John Kerry exhibited, except without all the crazy liberalism. Since I’m almost literally dripping with crazy liberalism myself, all I need is a good ‘do, and Romney’s hair fits the bill perfectly.”
Although Romney’s hair could not be reached for comment, it did issue a press release clarifying that fact that its adherance to the Mohairmonist religion did NOT mean that it’s ascent to the presidency – should the septuagenarian McCain die in office – would lead to any sort of American hairocracy.
[Hat tip to IMAO reader Laurie for bringing the Romney/Carell resemblance to my attention]
I Don’t Hate White People; I Don’t Even Believe in Jesus
An Editorial by Senator Barack Obama
Wow. Do I have egg on my face. Ends up my preacher was saying all sorts of crazy stuff. In my defense, how in the world was I supposed to know that he was off the deep end? Far as I’m concerned, all this worshiping an invisible sky fairy stuff is completely insane, so I don’t understand how I’m supposed to sort one crazy from the other. Come on; just look at me. I’m a liberal elitist; far as I’m concerned, all this religion crap is for the rubes in fly over country.
While Wright was preaching that blacks are the chosen people, I just assumed all the white churches were talking about how whites are the chosen people. It made little difference to me as I’m only half either. Now people are telling me his words were beyond the pale. Okay. So “the U.S. government created HIV” is crazy but a believing some guy fed thousands with a couple loaves of bread and fish is perfectly sane? Whatever, red states.
The only reason I was even in church is because I needed some street cred in Chicago. Apparently I wasn’t “black enough” so the advise was to go to Trinity. I figure I just attend a few times a year, and up goes my election chances. Apparently, I wasn’t looking far enough ahead, though. Whoops. So, what was Wright preaching when I did attend? I have no idea. I was usually doing a crossword puzzle. Really, what do you want from me?
So do I hate America like Jeremiah Wright does? Of course, but not for his crazy mythology-based reasons. I hate America because I’m an elitist liberal. I feel you’re lucky I take time out of my important schedule to tell you how to lead your lives. I look down on America, American ideals, and the American people. I especially look down on religion. How hard is that to understand? The reason my wife has never been proud of America isn’t because Wright has infected her brain with his crazy hatred; it’s because she’s a liberal too. How could she be proud of this country? It expects us to sit through church to be electable. Well, I guess you reap what you sow.
I think that’s from the Bible.
Barack Obama is a U.S. Senator from Illinois who only hates white people because of their privileged status… same reason any white liberal would hate them.
Interesting
Would it Be Funny, or is it Something Kos Would Do?
So far, good responses to the call for lolprotstrz!, but some of the off-topic submissions are giving me other ideas.
There’s definitely an loldemcrtz! in the future (not sure when, yet), but that makes me wonder – should we do a lolrepblcnz!, too?
Pros:
* Some folks with an R after their names just suck and could use a little kicking around.
* Entries don’t necessarily HAVE to be derogatory to the person pictured (for example, smiling Bush with “ded teriztz makz me hapee”).
* Unlike lefties, most right-wingers have a well-developed enough sense of humor to laugh at their own.
Cons:
* It might make a hippie smile.
Whaddya think?
McCain the POW
A Story , Bit by Bit
Hellbender: Chapter 4 – Girl Power
PREVIOUS
Lulu grabbed Bryce’s gun and put it to his head. “Grab his gun,” she ordered Charlene.
Doug happily handed over his gun to Charlene who put it to Doug’s head.
“Who are you?” one of the armed women asked.
“We don’t have time for this!” Lulu ushered Bryce inside while Charlene and Doug followed. “Somehow Asmod’s people almost found out about us. Now we have two of their officials. I’m sure they’ll be of use.”
“You think they knows what it looks like?” another woman inquired.
“Yes, I’m sure they knows what… it… looks like,” Lulu said. “That’s why they’re of use to us.”
It was a large room with high ceilings with an open hangar door through which vehicles landed. There were trucks on the ground being loaded by six more armed women, some dressed in the military uniforms of Asmod and others in more casual attire. There were also numerous dead bodies on the ground and not a small amount of blood. “Who are they?” asked a woman who appeared to be in charge and was wearing an officer’s uniform with a bit blood splattered on it.
“They’re the other inside group we had,” explained one of the women escorting Doug’s group. “I guess they got found out, but we have two government officials here who should help us find the device.”
The leader looked suspiciously at Lulu and Charlene and then turned to Bryce. “So where is it?”
He pointed to a group of identical crates. “It was one of those. I could tell you which one exactly if you hadn’t moved them around.”
She punched Bryce, sending him staggering back a bit. “We need to just grab what we can and get out of here,” the leader told everyone. “Serpine’s forces will be here soon, and they’ll be look for the device as well.”
Lulu turned to Charlene and whispered. “I thought they were with Serpine. Any idea who they are?”
“I’m pretty sure they’re Elza’s psychos.”
Lulu looked surprised. “The Amazons? Like the man-hating killers?”
“Yeah.”
“I thought they were just made up to make fun of feminists.”
“They’re real and they are very violent,” Charlene said. “The only thing is I heard that, as much as they like fighting, they’re not actually that good at it.”
Lulu frowned. “That’s kinda sad. They look like they try so hard.”
“Let’s just get some plan quick to get out of here before we run into someone who isn’t a moron and knows to kill us.”
“What are you two chattering about?” the leader demanded.
Lulu shrugged. “The usual… how much we hate the patriarchy.”
The leader noticeably gripped her rifle tighter. “And what were your names?”
“I’m Charmin and she’s Roscoe, but you can call me Pippy.”
“I know him!” a short blond haired woman shouted as she pointed at Bryce. Doug braced himself, because he knew this wasn’t going to be good.
“So what? I’m a popular guy.”
The woman looked quite angry, and Doug took a few steps away from Bryce as she came near. “He’s not a government official. He’s one of the Last!”
Bryce scoffed. “I’m not some zealot’s son.”
“You used me! All the time you were dating me, you were sleeping with my best friend!”
Bryce looked confused. “I’m missing your point.”
“You said you loved me!”
Bryce rolled his eyes. “Well I thought it was pretty obvious from context I only said that to sleep with you.”
She placed the barrel of her gun against Bryce’s temple, but Lulu stepped in. “Calm down. Okay, obviously these two are useless, so we should just kill them… but not this way. Can I have one of your grenades?” Before the woman could answer, Lulu took a grenade off her belt. “Watch this.” She pulled the pin and then exclaimed “Weee!” as she threw it straight up in the air. “RUN!”
NEXT
Obama on Hannity & Colmes?
The Wright issue finally made the front page of the Daily Kos (as a Recommended Diary) — they seemed to be ignoring it as long as they could despite many individual diaries about it — as Obama has written about his pastor on HuffPo. Also mentioned in the Kos diary is that Obama is going to go on Hannity & Colmes (as well as the other major news networks) to talk about Wright.
Damage control! Whether Obama can come back from this will show us how shrewd a politician he is. He chose to go to see an anti-American, racist nut for twenty years (and bring his children to listen to him), so it’s going to be hard to belittle that as something we can’t judge his character on (in his statement, he at least acknowledge these are legitimate questions). Obama claims he never heard any of these controversial statements while attending Trinity or talking to Wright in private, but that’s hard to believe.
BTW, I hope this is unnecessary to say, but Wright’s idiocy is not the norm for black churches. I went to a black church for a couple years in Florida (in that I and my wife were often the only people there who were not black), and what was preached there everyday was about Christ, morality, responsibility, humanity… you know, Christian stuff.
Question
An Idea
And God Said to Moses: I Hate Those Honkey-Ass Crackers
A Sermon by Jeremiah Wright
EDITOR’S NOTE: This sermon has been edited for language. This is a political blog, not some church Democrats go to.
When Moses finally escaped the Egyptians, he turned to God and asked, “There could surely be no one as bad at those people?” God said to Moses, “Yes there are. Beware the honkeys. Beware the crackers. Especially beware the Jews. I hate all those people. Frankly, if you blow up their buildings, that’s okay with me.”
That wisdom speaks even more to us today as we are beset by honkeys. America is a country founded by crackers and run by Jews that exists for no other reason than to kill black people. They invented AIDS to kill us. They made crack to drug us. They use hidden ninjas to stage black on black violence. Hillary does not understand this. In fact, she’s busy in her hollowed out volcano working on AIDS version two. That’s why they are scared of a black man being president, because he will cut the millions of dollars that go to black genocide and instead invest that money where God says it should be: In killing honkey!
Yes, they will stop at nothing to keep the black man out of power and from his rightful job of cracker-cide. That’s why they spread the rumors about Obama. They say he’s inexperienced and he’ll be a disaster. That’s not an argument against him, because America deserves a disaster! So they try to say he’s secretly a Muslim. Again, that’s not an argument against him, because maybe he should be a Muslim. They’re doing God’s work: Blowing up the honkeys and the Jews. So only reason that all those crackers oppose Obama is that they know he’s going to succeed at what he promises: Killing the honkeys!
Now some tell me that we shouldn’t be for killing the honkeys. We should just turn the other cheek. Who says this? That cracker Jesus! Well, answer me this: Has Jesus ever been called a [n-word]? Did anyone invent AIDS to kill Jesus? Well, maybe Jesus should not be lecturing the black man on what he should and should not be doing. As we speak, the government is working on plans to send all black people to Venus! That’s right: NASA is going to send us to Venus where it is inhospitable to life and we will all die. So what does Jesus have to say about that? Nothing! God bless Jesus? No. God [expletive] Jesus! To hell with him! Throw his cracker ass out of here!
Remember the story of Samson. When the Jews tricked him out of his strength, they chained him up so all the crackers could come and laugh at him. So, he turned to God with one last prayer and screamed, “I hate the honkeys!” which granted him a final burst of strength to kill them all. Though the crackers may now be keeping us down, we can have one final prayer to kill them all. That prayer is Obama… though his campaign would like me to remind you that I in know way speak for him. Amen.
Jeremiah Wright was until recently the Pastor of Trinity United Church of Christ, and has been the spiritual adviser of the Obamas for twenty years (though he would like to distance himself from some of the anti-American statements of Michelle Obama). Now retired, he hopes to finally read that Bible he’s been hearing so much about. He hates the honkeys.
A Story, Bit by Bit
Hellbender: Chapter 3 – Confusion
PREVIOUS
“Take her gun!” Bryce ordered Doug. Doug took the pistol from Lulu’s holster and held it dubiously.
“What’s going on?” one of the Protectors demanded, the group keeping guns on them both.
“The enemy has some sort of conspiracy involving the armory,” Bryce explained, “and I was hoping this imposter would lead me to it. I guess you all screwed up that plan.”
“You’re too late!” Lulu said with as much menace as she could as she kept her hands behind her head. “You’re all going to die here!” She added an evil laugh, but Doug judged it a bit forced.
“What do we care about the armory?” a Protector asked. “We’re abandoning this whole place and the letting the stupid Children fight for it.”
“Hey!” Charlene exclaimed.
“Shut up, you,” Bryce told her sharply, and then turned back to the soldiers. “I can’t tell you much about it, but there is an artifact of great importance to Asmod in the armory that unfortunately it seems the enemy has found out about. We need to secure it before leaving. Come on, there’s no time to waste.”
Bryce started leading Lulu away at gunpoint. “Come guard,” he told Doug and then struggled to get his suit jacket off while keeping his gun on Lulu. He tossed the jacket to Charlene. “Carry that for me, Child.”
The Protectors followed as well. “So the enemy might already be in the armory?” one asked.
“Could be. Be prepared for a gunfight,” Bryce said.
“Loch will eat your blood!” Lulu shouted. She then whispered to Bryce, “You don’t think Chen mentioned you?”
“I doubt she would so readily admit she was duped by one of us Last.”
“And what exactly are we doing when we get to the armory?” Charlene asked quietly.
“We’ll figure it out when we get there. No worries.”
Doug still had the pistol in his hand and wasn’t sure what to do with it. He had a bad record with guns from the brief time the government conscripted the Last Children in the military, so he wanted to put it away but didn’t seem to have a holster. He tried shoving it in his pants pocket but it was too big, so he turned to Charlene. “You want to carry the gun and I can carry the coat?”
“Can’t you even pretend to be competent for even a couple minutes?” Charlene shot back under her breath and turned away.
Doug thought of telling her he had been pretending competence for more than ten minutes already, but then he remembered he wasn’t supposed to talk.
They soon reached the armory and stopped by the entrance. “The enemy doesn’t know we’re on to them yet,” Bryce told the six soldiers. “Let’s try to head in quietly and get a look of things. Are you prepared?”
“We can handle it. You have her?”
Bryce patted Lulu on the head. “The little floozy isn’t going to be a problem.”
“You’re going to die,” Lulu added.
The six Protectors slowly made their way in. Bryce turned to his group. “Any ideas for what to do next?”
“The loading dock is just inside.” Charlene said. “I think we should just grab a vehicle and get the hell out of here before they wise up and shoot us all.”
“I’m for that,” Lulu said, her hand still behind her head. “My arms are starting to get tired; I don’t want to be a prisoner anymore.”
“Fine,” Bryce said. “Maybe we’ll get lucky and they’ve already loaded one of the trucks up for the evacuation. Let’s just–”
Automatic gunfire erupted from inside. Two Protectors ran out returning fire, one clutching a bloody wound at his side. “They’ve taken it over!” He shouted to Bryce. “They’ve already killed everyone in there! I think they have the artifact!”
It took a moment for Bryce to get over the shock. “Well… that’s… not good.”
More gunfire tore down the two soldiers, and then four angry looking women emerged from the entrance pointing rifles at Doug, Bryce, Lulu, and Charlene. Doug decided to break the no talking rule. “Dude.”
NEXT
Rating the Rater **UPDATE**
One of the points of the star rater is that it should work without reloading the site (I know how much you all whine about the site load time). It seems to work fine in Fire Fox, but apparently it doesn’t in IE7. Because I love my readers (unlike many other blog authors who only see readers as things to aim at when urinating), I downloaded IE7 to try and figure that out. I hope you appreciate that given my aversion to Internet Explorer and downloading large updates from Microsoft.
BTW, this stuff is complicated. This rater alone involves Java, PHP, CSS, HTML, and SQL — each of which have their own little idiosyncrasies to keep track of. The problem is most likely in the Java that’s supposed to respond to the click instead of the hyperlink, but it works for IE7 on my test site so I’m having a little trouble tracking down the problem. Anyone have any tips on debugging this stuff beside putting it live and seeing whether it works or not? I really need to better analyze what happens at the click on the rater, but I’m new to web programming and am not sure how to isolate that.
I miss printf.
UPDATE:
With the help of readers Mark, E.T., and others, I think I have it working now. If any of you still find the rater refreshing the page (and you have Javascript enabled), please tell me. I’m new to the web programming, but this seemed a nice way to start to learn it so I can eventually add more features to IMAO and do some research I’ve been meaning to do…
Frank Ideas for Issues Obama Can Realistically Claim to Solve
Since Obama has about as much political experience as the average college Republican, it’s a little much for him to campaign saying he can solve big problem like terrorism and nuclear proliferation. So, I was thinking that what he needs to do is focus on problems he can realistically claim to be able to solve even with his limited experience and ability. Here are some ideas:
* Lack of trendy dog sweaters.
* Uneven M&M color distribution.
* America’s post offices need better decorations.
* Disorganized pantries.
* Bunny rabbits need more hugs.
* American are falling behind in basic whistling skills.
* The unavailability of rock candy.
* Too many honkeys (his pastor can help him with that one).
If the Obama campaign needs more suggestions, I am available (and you’ll get a free t-shirt for hiring me). You all can also put other ideas for problems Obama can tackle in the comments.
Gotta Agree With Ferraro On This One
Geraldine Ferraro, the 1984 Democratic Vice-Failure, said of Barack: “If Obama was a white man, he would not be in this position. And if he was a woman (of any color) he would not be in this position. He happens to be very lucky to be who he is. And the country is caught up in the concept.”
It’s true.
Barack is a handsome, pleasant-voiced, smooth-talker whose charming allure makes you REALLY want to take him up on his attractive offers until you realize – perhaps too late – that there’s a… downside… to what you’re agreeing to.
Since he’s black, he’s a presidential contender for the Democrats.
Were he white, there’s a broader – though less prestigious – range of career opportunities he’d be more likely to engage in:
- Pre-owned vehicle acquisition facilitator.
- Guest on a real estate infomercial fake talk show.
- Leader of a quirky religious movement that invests heavily in rat poison and powdered drink mixes before investing heavily in one-way tickets to a small, South American country.
- Cannibal from Milwaukee.
- Host of a reality TV show who suggests that eating a plateful of raw bull testicles is TOTALLY worth it because you’ll have a 1-in-7 shot of getting a 15-minute phone call home if you do.
- Client 9
- Wraparound shade-wearing leader of a mediocre Irish rock band who touts letting Third World crapholes default on their loans as “a humanitarian invesment opportunity”.
- Right wing political humor blogger offering “free” T-shirts.
- Quarterback of a Massachusetts-based professional football team, leading his team to a “perfect” season.
- Being John Edwards.
Anything else Barack-lite might be doing for a living?

