The fact is that the people who haven’t made up their minds on the presidential race yet are pretty stupid, and a boring policy debate like there was last night is not going to sway them. They don’t watch the news, but they watch lots of other stuff. Keeping that in mind, here are some lines and policy proposals McCain can use in the next debate to appeal to low info voters:
* “Not only will I require emissions testing on cars to fight global warming, I will also require new checks to make sure they aren’t giant robots in disguise.”
* “All passenger boats must have a written policy on what to do if two of them are given detonators to blow up each other. This is not a decision that should fall on the passengers.”
* “Do you know what my opponents policy on dealing with villainous pirates is? Parlay! Can you believe that? How naive can you be?”
* “We need to find a cure to zombie bites. There is no reason that with today’s medical technology that one bite from a zombie should be a death sentence.”
* “We need to invest in alternative fuels and rocket boots so we can all be like Iron Man.”
* “The buck will stop with me. I will keep constant oversight on all government agencies to assure you that none are trying to hunt down ordinary people who have developed super powers.”
* “What is Obama going to do if aliens attack us? Sit down with them and talk and say, ‘Please don’t blow up our landmarks.’ He doesn’t even speak alien!”
* “If you’re worried about terrorism, I assure you that through my policies I will increase the chances that if you are part of a group taken hostage, someone in that group will be either an off duty police officer or former Navy Seal who will single handedly take care of the situation.”
“Vote for me or I’ll go Rex Kwon Do on your sorry butt!”
“Together we can get rid of the plague that is Ricky Gervais.”
“I will make everything perfect forever. For reals.”
““We need to find a cure to zombie bites. There is no reason that with today’s medical technology that one bite from a zombie should be a death sentence.”
You are clearly a zombaphobe. Not all zombie bites result in death. With experimental medicines we have already tried successfully in Berkely, doctors can prolong life, delaying the process of turning into a full zombie.
Your remark is a blatant attack on the zombie community and the zombie lifestyle. We are just regular folk, who have friends and take part in regular community activities…like, wandering the neighborhoods attacking kids who are making out in cars. Please try to be more tolerant of our needs.
Let’s face it, zombies suck. If you don’t believe me, look at the average Obama rally, nothing but brain dead zombies as far as the eye can see. And you can bet if Obama wins your right to defend yourself from zombies will be lost, instead, anyone defending themselves from a zombie will be charged with a hate crime, and people like me who think that zombies are evil and we should protect ourselves from them will be charged with hate speech. It will be a crime to intimate that getting bit by a zombie isn’t a good thing.
That’s why investing in alternative fuels and rocket boots so we can all be like Iron Man is so vital. Think about it, some deranged zombie (is there any other kind?) tries to bite you when your doing your Iron Man thing and his jaw breaks. How cool is that? Then, using your Iron Man strength you just tear the zombie apart like nothing. Obama would like to make tearing zombies apart a crime. Obama really sucks. That douche thinks we should have a dialog with zombies. The only smart thing to say to a zombie is “Die, you dirty zombie, die!”
Don’t get me started on those alien SOBs!
* “I will remove all lizard-men from government offices and ensure that Xenu never again has any governmental power in our country.”
We must be tolerant of other’s lifestyles, you bunch of xenophobes! You think you’re all high and mighty in your non-zombie life! But zombies ought to have the same rights as you. Let them live their lives. Can you prove that they weren’t born zombies? Maybe it wasn’t a choice, and who are you to judge anyway!? We must pass legislation to protect their right to eat brains and do other zombie stuff.
Can we allow the senseless discrimination and killing of zombies to continue?
It’s time for Change! It’s time for Hope!
Vote for Equal Rights for all Zombies!
Vote for the only candidate that will support a Zombie’s right to choose (to eat your brain)!!
OBAMA ’08
* “To make the whole amnesty thing go over better, I’ll have them make free tacos for all of you.”
Concur that tax money should be spent on Marvel Comic R&D. I would wanta mess up the Zombies in my Iron Man Mark I armor. After I was done, I would drink alot cause that’s how Tony Stark would roll.
Failing that, I want the government to research and provide me with super soilder serum and adamantium/vibrantium red, white, and blue sheild to cuts Zombie heads off with.
Obama believe thes government has the duty to provide every citizen with a fantiscar and Baxter Building (begining to feel McCain belives this as well – is he Skrull?)
I wonder what Obama’s position on Zombie marriage is? It is clear from the debate he attributes the rise in Zombies to man made global warming.
Right now, along with the acid, and the giant jelly fish, Zombies are in the ocean, which the environmental wackos will use as a further excuse to oppose offshore drilling.
I like the idea, but Biden already took it, McCain will just look like a copy-cat.
I’m John McCain and America needs to get this housing mess under control!! See, those people that are defaulting on their loans have bad gizzards, that’s all! And it’s not their fault, my friends! I propose to buy up these gizzards and replace them with buffalo testicles. Look, we’ll feed the gizzards back to the buffaloes to enhance their testicle production. I guarantee this will work. See, you have to understand that giblets are bad if they’re harvested from people with gizzards. So, throw out your giblets with gizzards and get some of my buffalo testicles. See mine?
“The fact is that the people who haven’t made up their minds on the presidential race yet are pretty stupid”
McCain! Apply to forehead! (repeat ad nauseum)
That, my friend, is proof that crack don’t smoke itself.
You guys have it all wrong. You know what we need to do? Get out the word that the election is only on Nov 4th if you are voting for McCain. All votes cast that day go to him. The election for Obama voters is on Nov 5th. Telling Obama’s voters that the real day was Nov 4 was just a vast right wing conspiracy to make sure McCain wins. Nov 5th is the real day, tell everyone you know. *thumbs up* Don’t let the vast right wing conspirators win again!
Promise Federal take over of all active volcanoes to ensure prompt disposal of any evil magic rings that might turn up.
Registration of all wands and broomsticks; x-ray and metal detectors stationed at all portkeys and flue networks with secret monitoring of all crystal balls to prevent their use by Deatheaters.
Extra 5 year sentence added to penalty for any crime committed with magical artifacts.
I, for one, can say that I have a zombie emergency plan. I am fully prepared!
Just tell them “I’m from the government, and I’m here to help you.” That will get them to vote for you.
http://www.anationforchange.com/
YIPPEE KAY YAY America!!!!
A few more things that McCain can do to attract the “Low Info’s” :
* Announce that, from now on, bill-paying is optional.
* Introduce the Mark It Down Yourself INSTA-Mortgage program with unlimited Federal guarantees. Hey, it’s just paper.
* Stimulate American jobs by promoting the National Cardboard Housing Act.
* Propose that the US Dollar be tied to hemp (i.e., plain cellulose, the idiots will never know).
* Eliminate the borders with Canada and Mexico. Combine this with instant voter registration and same-day voting! (Move over, Ohio!)
# Spyndrilleum Says:
October 8th, 2008 at 2:11 pm
“That, my friend, is proof that crack don’t smoke itself.”
Dude, I’m a conservative. Ease off. Mmmmkay?
The free free free program. Whatever you want, whenever you want it. Just go online to our new Federal Government website, fill in your name, address and what you are buying (house, car, boat, RV etc.) and then go get your goodies. Uncle Sam will take care of the payment!
Feel Good About Yourself Program. Call a shrink, go talk to him and send the bill to Uncle Sam! We need confidence in our markets and this will be a start!
Job Supplemental Income Program. Times have been tough and the stress on the American people has been too much. Take a break from your job and Uncle Sam will pay your monthly wages while you are out with a hefty bonus added in just to help you recover your self esteem. Take your time and come back to work when you feel better…
Corona,
Actually I was referring to Jimmy’s post #9, but still . . .