Socialists seems to be a rising problem in America, so I sent out my crack research staff to find out as much as they could about them. Here are their findings:
FUN FACTS ABOUT SOCIALISTS
* The first socialist was Thog the Puny, who never hunted but thought he should be in charge of how the kills were distributed. He was brutally clubbed to death by the other caveman, and no one blamed them.
* The name “Socialist” is kinda ironic since they’re not very social on account of everyone hating them.
* Much like the marriage of chocolate and peanut butter, socialism was made through the happenstance union of meddlesomeness and uselessness.
* The Founding Fathers originally wanted to put the proper punishment for socialists in the Constitution, but decided the phrase “musket to the junk” just wasn’t appropriate for the document.
* If you think you see a socialist, report him to the nearest business owner so he can club him to death.
* When socialism destroys the country, many terrorist groups will try to claim credit. Hey, if you want credit for it you better start registering Democrat right now, terrorists.
* Oh, you’re already on top of that.
* Using socialism to help revive a failing economy is like putting angry weasels down your pants because you need some rest.
* How do you tell a socialist from a communist? It what color they burn when you set them on fire.
* Socialists have a new weapon — the stimulus. With this, they’ll reward failing businesses with your money. And why won’t that work to help the economy? Capitalism!
* If you find yourself surrounded by socialists, don’t panic. Just try to find the first flight out of Europe.
* The socialists main friend is the deadbeat, someone just as lazy and useless as socialist but who never had the idea to turn that into a political ideology.
* Obama was first enchanted by the ideals of socialism when he took a economics class while coked out of his mind.
* There are a lot of socialists in the animal kingdom… no wait, not the animal kingdom. What kingdom are viruses in?
* In a fight between Aquaman and socialists, Aquaman will end up penniless and on the streets since all his money will have been taken away to pay for the mortgage Black Manta took out knowing full well he couldn’t afford it.
* If a socialist bites you, immediately clean and cauterize the wound before you lose half your income to lazy people.
* The socialist’s main weaknesses are actual work and ass-kickings.
* Oh, and clubs.
I laughed my a** off! Which means I lost about 50 pounds. It’s a win-win!
Seriously, that’s some funny stuff. I spit coke out my nose.
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If weasels could read, they’d take offense at being mentioned along side socialism. In fact, I think they’d volunteer to be the punishment for socialism: “Angry weasels to the junk!”
I object to Black Manta being depicted as a deadbeat. As a young man, he was kidnapped and forced into near slavery on a rich man’s boat, all while an indifferent Aquaman frolicked in the sea. Manta is the result of this crime and other difficulties faced during his youth. He is a product of his environment, and is in no way responsible for any (alleged) misdeeds ascribed to him. It takes a village, and Manta’s village let him down. Black Manta does not need your scorn. He needs reparations. And a hug.
Link fixed!
Made me laugh – Thans!
Chuck Norris once was challenged to a fight by a socialist but he declined, saying, “I don’t fight with dog crap because my feet get dirty.” Then he went and conquered the USSR and Cuba with a single punch. Oh yeah, and Ronald Reagan.
* If socialists gave up socialism to become farmers, they’d quit that, too, and raise sheep instead and then sleep with them at night.
* Socialist’s “social engineering” is neither social nor engineering so they awarded themselves PhD’s and Juris Doctorates to cover their asses from the sheep (see above).
Oh, heck, Frank, yours are just too good.
“…like putting angry weasels down your pants because you need some rest”.
I want some of what he’s smokin’
So that means that baby seals and socialists have a something in common; they make a great noise when you hit them with a club.
When I woke up this morning little did I imagine that I’d be reading the phrase “musket to the junk” before the day was over.
“If you find yourself surrounded by socialists, don’t panic. Just try to find the first flight
out of Europeto Texas.”(Preview still doesn’t work.)
I say the phrase “musket to the junk” needs to be worked into conversation as often as possible.
5 stars for this KTE.
Oh, and viruses are living well on our money in the Kingdom of D.C.
As I have read there were two suggestions before life on earth began. One plan had everyone come back, but there would be no choice, the other not everyone would return because they would have a choice. One third of the host of heaven chose poorly. It seems many on earth today are choosing poorly as well.
No choice= socialism, communism, slavery
Choice = democracy, freedom, liberty
Hmmm……….I wonder which side is right, oh I mean correct? It is a puzzle.
This sort of useful information is why I come to IMAO. However, I think using Black Manta in such a joke may be racist, but I’ll have to check with my liberal friends to be sure.
Also, if I ever start a band, I’m definitely naming it “Musket to the Junk.”
OH BOY! Now they’re talking about ANOTHER “stimulus package”! Maybe if we push real hard, we can get one a month!
I couldn’t get through. Thog, the first socialist. LOL 😉
I would give anything to see the headline “Musket to the Junk Ends Stimulous Package” in the NYT.
If comunists burn red , What color do socialists burn ? I need to know for score keeping purposes
Yellow, of course.
IMPROVIDENCE, n. Provision for the needs of to-day from the revenues of to-morrow. (From The Devil’s Dictionary)
And as far as the Neo-Progressives go, that’s a much nicer description of what they do than I’d normally use…
And midwestconservative, I think the burn color is pink-o.
Good places to do some clubbing;
College campuses
NPR parking lots
Health Food Stores
Look for any car with a bumper sticker (Obama or Wellstone)
Newspaper Employee Parking Lots
School Employee Parking Lots
The socialists are so lacking in substance that they are highly flammable (HAZMAT Level 5). As such thier combustion is so rapid it appears to almost be spontaneous, making the determination of flame hue to be challenging. Luckliy, high speed camera technology has revealed what the human eye cannot see… they burn orange at equal levels of red and yellow. Bringing us to the conclusion that socialist is both a coward and a communist wannabe….. these conclusions are based on yeaaars of study.
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Oh, that made my morning. I had to post it on my blog. Hope that was okay!
One of my fave quotes —
“The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they’re ignorant: It’s just that they know so much that isn’t so.” – Ronald Reagan
The beauty of it is that it works for not just socialists, but for anyone to the left of Conservative.
“Musket to the Junk.” Amazon calls them SIPs: statistically improbably phrases. Great title for a power ballad.
Socialism
Making life around the world miserable since 1827.
“The socialist’s two most feared enemies are history and reason.” — Mark Steyn
Whew! Let me tell you, you do not want to be eating chunky peanut butter when reading this. I had an errant nut just about reach the speed of sound upon reading the words “…like putting angry weasels down your pants because you need some rest.” Broke one of my wife’s crystal…thingies and imbedded itself into the wall. Man, this is going to be hard to explain.
Red Dot in a Red State
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Meh.
You really sound a lot like a bunch of assh**es. The more violent the joke, somehow the better the public policy? Perverse, back slapping, reactionary and somewhat ignorant. When your medical bill for pulling your head out your poop chute exceeds your net worth you’ll wonder if perhaps some limits to human greed are necessary. That’s what made America great: the rule of law limiting abuse of power. If you want to keep yanking the “I’m so afraid of the word socialism” string for your callow amusement don’t be suprised if you find you also continue to unravel the web of connection that binds us all in a society. The pre-amble to the Constitution reads: “promote the general welfare.” Is that what you are afraid the mis-labelled “socialism” of our current administration might do, even after you’ve see the house of cards already fall when laws were broken, lies were told and then covered up, greed ran amok, and the interests of the select few in oil were prioritized over sustainable national growth? You types MADE this BED, now you complain that you have to sleep in it? No wonder the majority of the nation finds republicans have no credibility anymore. The more you squeal the more you seem like a pig. (Not that you care except to make a joke about me and something predictably scatalogical, I expect.)
Salve,
Until we change our names to Jimmy Carter, Bill Clinton, Chris Dodd and Barney Frank, along with a Maxine Waters to boot, you’re never gonna be able to lay this collapse at our feet. Especially when the “Maverick” decried the mortgage fiasco loud and often, as did Bush. But recognizing fact just might require you to remove your head from your crapper. I’m sure you’ll need to save your salve for when the Truth butt-rams you repeatedly as the Truth always does to your kind.
Now, some of you will claim that Socialists do not have a sense of humor, and this is true. Not being in possession of a sense of humor does NOT mean that one can not be funny. Take “Salve” for example. While he probably wasn’t trying to be funny, I laughed out loud at several of his “points”. The first thing that is actually quite funny is the idea that “that’s what made America great: the rule of law limiting abuse of power.” See how he almost gets it, but then backs away when close to the truth. The Constitution was meant to limit abuse of power, abuse of GOVERNMENT power. Strike one!
Next he claims that those opposed to government tyranny are “yanking the “I’m so afraid of the word socialism” string” I got a chuckle from that one. Apparently American Socialists read the “Black Book of Communism” and reply “100 million dead is NOTHING, I AM NOT AFRAID” and then they do the “you are afraid of 100 million dead dance”. Strike two!
He then moves in for a hat trick and, sure enough, produces pile number 3. ““promote the general welfare.” Even a cursory glance at the “Federalist Papers” shows that “general welfare” is hardly meant to imply that the government can do anything it wants as long as it claims it is for the “general welfare”. I laugh my ass off when I read a Lefturd mention the Constitution. If the “general welfare clause had the power the Leftarded think why write a Constitution? Listening to the imbecilic Left attempting to find ANYTHING that a tyrant couldn’t fit into that phrase is the highest of humor. I defy you to find something that Hitler or Stalin did that he could not claim was for the “general welfare”. Science they are stupid.
Talk about being in need of a “musket to the junk”. Oh, yeah, the Leftard has their “junk” removed medically at the soonest available opportunity.
Salve, may I recommend that instead of wrongly interpreting the Constitution by using lingo of the day, you actually read the Federalist papers, or the extensive and heavily referenced, Heritage Guide to The Constitution? The “General Welfare” “clause” actually means the exact opposite of what you think it means.
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Communists, immigrants, terrorists, aliens, scientists and now the socialists. Republicans always need to create some kind of enemies to be afraid of, so ignorant people like rednecks can get scare and will vote republicans.
Dear Srr,
Aliens? Seriously? Man I would pay to listen to that speech:
“The only thing we have to fear is an alien invasion descending upon us from outer reaches of space! FLEE! COWER IN FEAR! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES FROM THE ALIEN INVASION! Oh, and vote republican.” Yeah. I totally heard that during the republican campaign when Dennis Ku…wait…he’s not a republican is he? Never mind.
And really speaking of fear: what about the doomsday rhetoric Democrats used to scare everybody into passing the bailout and stimulus crap? Or what about the whole “the earth is being destroyed and the oceans will cover cities and people die because of global warming! We must pass a bill that will devastate the economy or the planet will be destroyed!” stuff?
Oh hey! Speaking of scientists, what about the attempts to silence Alan Carlin and his study that cast doubt on man made
Global WarmingClimate Change?Also as far as republicans needing someone to fear, well, liberals have no right to say anything after 8 years of Bush-centric hate, and chicken little doomsday scenarios (I seriously know a guy – who listens to npr – who truly believed that Bush would declare marshal law before the 2008 election to make sure he can stay in office. You want to take about hate and fear?)
One final note. Most of the people here will be as apt to criticize the republican party as anyone else. We’re conservatives not republican rubber stamps. Myself I’m an independent. I’m not a republican because the republican party has consistently not been conservative. I might change my affiliation though just so I can vote for Marco Rubio in the primaries.
Not being a humorless dick, and being fully aware of the stereotypes associated with people that share my ideology, I actually enjoyed these. Salve, shut up and take the joke in good humor. You’re taking all the fun out of it, just like when you’re joking around with your friends, and you tell one guy he sucks dicks, and he gets all offended and angry. Really man, come on, lighten the fuck up.
Also, Frank J, thanks for reminding me to wear a cup when around conservatives. I need to protect my socialist seed from muskets so that I can produce more socialist children.
Salve, Srr and A Socialist! : My common sense tells me I should ignore you minions, but I just can’t help it . . . “AHHHHHHHHHHH SHUTUP!!!”
@ A socialist
Nice to have you here, You can always spot a fascist because they cant laugh at themselves. When did socialists start having their own children? I thought socialists prefered passing on their culture through passed on indoctrination rather then hard personal labor of procreation. Also did you have an arranged marriage because I would hate to think you had to suffer the free market of dating?
Don’t get me wrong put Jesus or a computer in charge of distribution of wealth and I might give it a chance. But to put a person in charge of distributing other peoples paychecks? I am unaware of anytime that turned out good in all of human history.