There are a number of events that Science! says we need to be worried about in the future. For one, in five billion years the sun is supposed to enter a red giant phase and engulf the earth. Pretty bad, but that’s a long way off, so we can safely leave it as someone else’s problem.
Except we have an earlier problem. The Andromeda galaxy is on a collision course with the Milky Way. And when it collides, who knows what will happen to our solar system? And that’s in only 4.5 billion years by current estimates.
But we have other problems besides that to worry about, as before the sun enters its red giant phase, it is constantly burning off fuel and getting hotter. It’s getting so hot, in fact, that in around 500 million years the earth should be unlivable. Yeah, that’s right: Only 500 million years. That’s something we have to think about dealing with.
If we live that long.
Because now scientists say they’ve noticed a periodic extinction pattern. Every 27 million years, something just starts killing things right and left. And the next one occurs in only 16 million years. That’s cutting it close, but that gives us time to prepare, right? But here’s the problem: Scientists have no idea what causes it.
That’s right; no idea. Usually scientists would at least act like they figured it out and make a wild guess. But this one is too mysterious to even attempt an explanation. But if something is mysterious and murderous, that points to only one culprit:
Rogue unicorns.
Artist's conception of a rogue unicorn (I drew it with my fingers on an iPad).
Rogue unicorns are like regular unicorns. But they’ve gone rogue. They use rainbows for evil. Like instead of making one rainbow, they might make a double rainbow just to confuse people. Or they might shoot rainbows directly into your face and explode your head. They don’t care who they hurt. Because they’ve gone rogue.
And apparently every 27 million years they go psycho and kill everybody. Or at least that’s the best guess of Science! right now since a binary star doesn’t fit the data. And rogue leprechauns don’t make any sense. So we probably should get working on some sort of rogue unicorn defense system with anti-rainbow shielding technology. And then maybe we can protect ourselves and all the animals we care about (so not the squirrels) from the next onslaught. And we only have 16 million years to get ready.
Unless they change up the timetable. Those darn rogue unicorns always not playing by the rules!
I blame Sarah Palin!
I don’t trust Rainbow Brite. Even the name suggests rainbow death rays to the head.
Can we get a goverment grant to study rogue unicorns? It’s Science!.
Frank, that’s the dreaded Obamacorn!! Gird your loins, people, that thing will bite your head off and shove it up your keister… sideways.
This means exactly one thing. Some 16 million years from now, give or take 8 years, more than one person will be saying, “If only we’d invested in rockets back in the early 21st century, but noooooooo, noooooooo, we had to go and invest in making Muslims feel happy about themselves. Well, we see how that worked out. Now we’re stuck on this rock without a rocket. Thanks Obama!”
This is all Bush’s fault.
We must stop Sarah Palin. If we elect her, she will mate rogue unicorns with grizzly bears and pelicans. The horror.
I think the Rocket Pod Dinosaur will work as a defense.
Global Warming…
If they only appear every 27 million years, where are they hiding in the meantime? I’m guessing the moon. We should nuke the heck out of that thing.
And then shoot it with a Death Star laser for good measure.
The rogue unicorn closely resembles the symbol of the democratic party, except with a demonic horn. Therefore, we can conclude that in 16 million years, demonic democrats will destroy all we know. Oh, wait. It’s already happening.
Don’t let the European’s see that! That will be one buggered Unicorn!
In fact galaxies like the milky way and Andromeda galaxy are so vast that even when they collide there is like a .0000001% chance that any part of the two bodies will ever even get close to each other let alone collide. Our human minds simply can not grasp how large and vast space is.
Don’t forgot much shorter term Near Earth Objects, overdue super-volcanoes, even theoretical threats like planet x. I think of all those things though as Gods way of wiping out the “cyborg” or “third world breed until there is not a blade of grass left and we are all drinking from puddles of urine” armies that will by then have flooded the earth.
Lately I’ve read several articles about toxic rain falling on the Southern U.S. due to all the oil and disperal chemicals sucked up from the gulf by hurricane Alex. Then there was an article about the huge amounts of methane that were coming out of the well, and fractures around the well would release more flammable methane until we had a huge rolling explosion that would cause a massive life-extinction on the scale of the dinosaur die-off. I don’t know at this point what’s science and what’s BS, but I’m not taking off this tinfoil hat until they sound the “all clear”.
Personally, I’m more concerned about the UFO’s visiting Bush’s Crawford ranch. Why are they visiting hm? Does Bush have a way off the planet? Wouldn’t surprise me if he and Rummy and Cheney and Rove know something we don’t! Hey, guys, take me with you!
/tinfoil
Frank, you drew that on an iPad? Is it your birthday yet? I want to give something you could use. Eye hand coordination.
j/k, I love the pic. It looks badass. But why get a gay unicorn iPad when for a bajillion $ more you could get an iBex. It’s like twice the vuvuzela horn power of a unicorn.
Why is it unicorn? Shouldn’t it be unihorn? That thing is not an ear of corn.
Maybe back in the olden days there was a king who introduced his priesthood to the magi. “This is my eunuch, Orn.”
I’m very concerned about the Rogue Unicorns here. Do we know what day they do the big extinction thing? Like, is it May 1st or November 12th or something? I hope it’s not in October since that would affect any team in the playoffs. The Cubs would be safe, in that case.
Side note you should look up the ancient “unicorn” which was the symbol for the tribe of Ephraim. It was more like a bull or musk ox then a my little pony. I dont know who what or when it changed but I am 99% certain some girlie man liberal did it.
So, Frank’s stick art is back – but now via iPad? Can we expect more of these, Frank?
(Yeah, you had to scan your pencil drawings, I know. But I liked how your lines wiggled when drawing with pencil – like you had one too many or you’re left handed or something.)
According to legend, unicorns become tame in the presence of a pure maiden. Maybe every 27 million years the pure maiden population drops below sustainable levels and All the unicorns go Rouge? Judging by the current trends in purity, the unicorn appocolypse could be right around the corner!
I think Frank has been reading too much Dr. McNinja: http://drmcninja.com/archives/comic/15p65
Not to worry Frank. I no longer bag my milk at the grocery store, I recycle my soda cans, and I’m using flourescent light bulbs, so the earth will be fine. You can thank me later.
Close. Very close. But there are no rogue unicorns. What causes the sequential extinctions is unicorn rabies. Think “Cujo”. Now take out the dog and put in a rabid unicorn. Now think of *millions* of rabid unicorns. Now think of extinction.