SarahK, Buttercup, and I will be going to Texas for two weeks, so expect my blogging to be light. And don’t worry; we’re driving, so any groping in our travels will be consensual.
If you miss my blogging (and who wouldn’t), you can do a build-your-own IMAO post. Just take a recent news story and work punching hippies or dinosaurs with rocket launchers into it. It’s simple. In fact, in the future I’ll probably have a computer algorithm guest blog for me.
Later, losers!
NEW YORK — MSNBC TV host Joe Scarborough was suspended without pay for two days Friday for punching hippies in Florida, apparently in violation of NBC News ethics policy.
Scarborough, a former Republican member of Congress from Florida and host of the cable network’s “Morning Joe” program, said he agreed with the decision by MSNBC President Phil Griffin, which was similar to the sanction Griffin imposed two weeks ago on another host on the network, Keith Olbermann, who was found guilty of feeding rocket carrying dinosaurs without direct permission of MSNBC honcho Griffin. (Hey you’re right this is easy)
Janet Napolitano announced today that, effective immediately, hippies would be exempt from TSA advanced screenings. “The TSA workers are just afraid to touch them, even when wearing rubber gloves,” stated Napolitano. “In addition, other passengers were complaining that TSA screeners were using the same rubber gloves in their inspections after previously groping hippies, and those gloves were most certainly contaminated with venereal diseases at that point.” Republicans are still pushing for a “no-hippie” fly rule, as complaints continue to be received concerning both the smell and ridiculous attempts at conversation that other passengers are subjected to when seated next to a hippie. However, according to Napolitano, “The level of hippie complaints is consistent with the numbers being received prior to our molestation and intimidation techniques being implemented, so we see no reason at this point to not allow hippies to fly…especially since they’re all democrats.” Republican Senator John Cornyn’s office released a statement which seemed to counter the position of many of his fellow Republicans. In his statement, the Senator voiced his support for the hippies, even adding that “many of the hippies I’ve encountered are people who’s campaigns I’d support if they were to run for public office.”
ORLANDO, Fla. (AP) — A federal judge ordered actor Wesley Snipes to surrender to authorities Friday so he can begin serving a three-year prison sentence for hippie punching crimes. U.S. District Court Judge William Terrell Hodges in Ocala, Fla., rejected a request from the actor’s rocket carrying dinosaurs to review Snipes’ sentence and grant a new trial. Snipes has been free on bond for more than two years while appealing, “The defendant Snipes had a fair trial; he has had a full, fair and thorough review of his conviction and sentence. The time has come for someone to put his foot down and that foot is me,” the judge wrote in his 16-page decision. (Okay I’m ready to start my own blog, this is indeed a piece of cake)
PARTY AT FRANK’S HOUSE
I’ll bring the 60mm mortar and the cats for the High Explosive rounds test. Someone else bring the booze.
I’ll bring the ammo and the hippies. The hippies? Our fists have to land somewhere.
WASHINGTON — Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said Wednesday that he will call for a vote after Thanksgiving on legislation that would allow hippie punchers to serve openly in the military.
His announcement makes good on his pre-election promise to resurrect, during the lame-duck session, legislation that would repeal the 1993 law known as…”Don’t Punch, Don’t Ask.”
But it remains far from certain whether the legislation would have enough votes to pass. Several leading Dinosaurs with Rocket Launchers, including Sen. John McCain, have said they oppose lifting the ban.
The last time I traveled to Texas was for the ’84 Republican National Convention. I had good seats to see Reagan twice. Ahhhh…memories…man, oh man, what a party. Where are the Reagans of yesteryear?
Are you driving to Texas during the BSU game?
[Going to be on the road for this game and the next two. It sucks! -Ed.]
For MarkoMancuso : I have some extra cases of Claymore’s we can go through…and Will two cases of Southern Comfort 100 proof be enough, or should I stop at the store for more on my way?
Fro Frank: Careful about the algorithim… it might be prefered!
Would you, SarahK, and Buttercup be interested in driving to the central TX area to see followers you’ve never met?
Yay! zzyzx (pronounced Zizzix?) and Son of Bob have started blogging already and Frank isn’t even out of his driveway yet! This is good because Harvey is gone, too, and just our luck, Basil is probably taking time off. That leaves the rest of us to stir up trouble. (Ussjimmycarter, Hillary called and says she wants her toys back.)
Have a great holiday, Flemings.
Given her succession of low scores and expert hippie-punching of the judges, Bristol Palin’s surprise advancement to the finals of ABC’s “Dancing With the Stars” has sparked a wealth of controversy this week, with many speculating fans of her famous mom and world famous slayer of moose, Sarah Palin, are suspiciously behind her continued success.
MSNBC news anchor Contessa Brewer hinted at a possible conspiracy at play, suggesting that Tea Partiers, riding on rocket-launching dinosaurs, are blowing up the phone lines of other contestants so they can’t receive votes, late night talk show host Jimmy Kimmel called Brandy Norwood (who was hippie-punched on Tuesday) a victim of “Hurricane Bristol,” and Jezebel.com proclaimed that “Conservatives are hippie-punching the DWTS Voting System.”
You’re right, it IS easy. Have a safe trip, Frank, Sarah & Buttercup-we’ll hold down the fort.
Have fun Frank. A daily open thread might work, but might be a disaster worthy of Homeland Security intervention. How about High Praise for the last person to say FIRST!!! posts?
“WOODSIDE — 1960s songbird Joan Baez is “resting comfortably” at an undisclosed location after falling 20 feet to the ground from a treehouse — a treehouse she purposely had built without walls because she wanted to sleep among real birds at her Woodside, Calif., home.”
I wish I’d made that up because it’s damn funny. But, it’s a real news story. Which, incidentally, makes it even funnier.
Safe drively, Frank and Sarah!
I’m sure Mad-Libs will have an IMAO version out any day-
Today,__(derisive adjective)___ __(progressive politician)__ said
“The __(number)__ Amendment is __( adjective)___ and should be ignored.”
I think we should send__(dinosaur)__ armed with __(weapon)___, ___( sharp weapon)__, and __(adjective)___ ___(weapon)___ to ___(place)___ and ___(adverb)___end this ___(adjective)___ threat.
Alright! Road trip to Idaho!
I’ll bring the bolt cutters so we can break open the rum locker, but someone should maybe pick up some coke so we can do rum and cokes before they’re outlawed.
Does Frank have cats and squirrels up there for us to shoot? Or, should we bring some with us?
Well Son of Bob as Lili Von Shtupp once said…”It’s twue it’s twue!” Which just goes to show what can happen when mean ole Mr. Stupidly collaborates with his pal, mean ole Mr. Gravity. I guess they don’t like hippies either.
YEAH TEXAS! Have fun in the Panhandle and West Texas, it is a wonderful place, that is why I like living here!
I hope Sarah and Baby Buttercup have a wonderful time.
Remember, always keep at least one hand on the steering wheel while groping.
Safe journey!
Bless you both, Storm and and Sniper! By the time this week is over, we will all have memorized the following:
“Hang it!”
“Fire!”
“On the way!”
“Raaawwrr Meow meow meow Raawr”
“Kaboom!”
Welcome to the great state of Texas. Hopefully, you are coming here-to Austin, Texas-perhaps the hippie capitol of the world, so the hippie-punching options are everywhere. Maybe you can hunt some coyotes with Gov. Perry.
Just don’t stay too long.
Janet Napolitano just announced that to combat border problems that anyone entering the state of Texas shall be stopped, pulled from their cars and taken to a special waiting medical van for “special search” procedures. These will be applied mainly to the male population especially where there is a mother and baby involved. The father, however could be a kidnapper and shall have every orifice of his body probed (deeply), shall be extremely xrayed and then subjected to junk and nad squeezing like there is no tomorrow! If passing all procedures, said traveler shall be allowed to pass with the warning that they shall endure same procedure upon re-entry from Texas!
Have a fun safe trip and remember to bring plenty of diapers. And keep Buttercup comfortable as well. Have a happy Thanksgivy!
Should you find yourself in the NE Houston area, drop by for a visit! We have cookies!
Hmmmm. Rachel Lucas is heading for Texas for the holidays. Now I see that the Flemings are headed there. I’m guessing there will be a reunion there! I’m so jealous!
You, Sarah and Buttercup have a good time and be safe. We’ll keep the site warm for you.
Hey Marko, where do you want the beer kegs? Has any of you guys found the remote to Frank’s TV, I wanna watch some football!
I looked at Frank’s Twitter page and discovered this thought:
“Maybe it would help settle disputes in politics if we all came to an agreement on what the country’s mission statement is.”
I’ve thought the same thing since I was 18.
Nice thought, Frank. Queue that up as a post from Texas and we’ll have at it!
I guess I always assumed that “Frank’s” posts were already being randomly generated…
This just in: After reading ussJimmyCarter’s post, Rep. Barney Frank announced he will be vacationing in Texas. According to Rep. Frank’s office, he will be joined by a female neighbor and her young child.
While you’re in Texas, be sure not to mess with it. I hear bad things happen when you mess with Texas. I think those bad things involve hippies, Barney Frank, and sparkly vampires.
So, since Frank is not here, and Sarah is not here, who’s in charge? This creates a quandary. I mean, the Constitution does not outline a chain of command for IMAO, just for the idiotic government. In fact, I’m guessing that if they were alive to see what’s become of the current crop of Washingtonians, our Founding Fathers would have included an amendment that contained phrases like “chased out of town with sticks and burning torches” or “lock in a mental institution”, but they completely neglected IMAO.
Is Harvey now in charge? And since Frank’s also Harvey how would that play out? Perhaps Basil should be the logical successor, as he’s also the only one that can pull off that whole “acting like an adult” stuff that many of us avoid passionately. Perhaps Basil would also be most qualified to answer that 3 A.M. call, should it be necessary. What if monkeys attacked? I’m just sayin’. Apparently it happens all the time in other parts of the world…or maybe just when Obama’s around…I don’t know, as I don’t speak jibberish, and so I’m unable and unwilling to speak to foreigners about what goes on in their dirty little countries that I support with my tax dollars. While we’re offering the world computer operating systems and space travel technologies, they provide us with Avril Lavigne and attacking monkeys.
Anyway, in the future perhaps it would be wise if Frank would leave us instructions in case something goes wrong while he’s away. In the meantime, we should probably divide up tasks that each of us will handle should the necessity arise. For example, in the event of a fire I volunteer to run around screaming “Oh my God!” while waiving my hands wildly.
Son of Bob, you seem to be in charge! But lemme help you round out your list of involuntary volunteers in case of various disasters:
Event : Person : Expression
TSA junk groping : ussjimmycarter : “No buggering! I’m gonna rip your head off and stuff it up your ass!!!”
Too much profanity : seanmahair : “Wash your mouth out with soap!”
Uncontrollable “First!” comments : Dohtimes : “Hey! That’s my line!”
Islamic terrorist : Proud Infidel : “I keel you!”
Hippie invasion : Storm1911 : [gunshot]
Loud train whistles : MarkoMancuso : “Submarine! Submarine! Stop here, Tovarish!.”
Heavy snow : Jimmy : “I’m outta coal, dammit! Oh, good, beer. Coffee!!”
End of Civilization : Veeshir : “This is the funniest end to civilization E V E R !”
VATICAN CITY—The Vatican on Sunday rushed to clarify a recent interview by Pope Benedict XVI, in which the pontiff states for the first time that there may be some cases in which punching hippies and putting rockets on dinosaurs would be permitted.
Welcome to Texas!
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