David Axelrod said that it’s still cool to be an Obama supporter.

King of cool.

So what could be cooler than still being mindlessly devoted to Obama even after he’s proven how completely useless and incompetent he is? I don’t know; tough question. Here’s what I came up with:

THINGS COOLER THAN BEING AN OBAMA SUPPORTER

* Abe Vigoda

* The kid in class who eats glue

* Steve Urkel

* Steve Urkel impersonators (with the exception of Obama)

* People enthusiastic for new Michael Bay movies

* Hoarders

* People who have memorized every line from Monty Python and the Search for the Holy Grail

* Sparkling vampires

* LARPers

* Clamshell packaging [That was unfair. -Ed.]

* Crazy cat ladies

* Fans of The View

* Bronies

* Professional competitive Magic the Gathering players

* Your grandma

* Joe Biden

* Aquaman

* A Jimmy Carter supporter

What do you think is more cool than being an Obama supporter? Put your answer in the comments and the best one wins…

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Cities like San Francisco banning Happy Meal and trying to ban goldfish are just following the American tradition as I demonstrate in a journey through American history in my latest Pajamas Media column.

A fascinating watch:

Stewart’s standard dodge now seems to be that anytime a left-wing outlet is biased, it’s just being sensationalist and trying to get viewers and isn’t concerned about the politics, but FOX News is only biased for invidious reasons.

The problem is, I don’t think the left is even capable of being balanced no matter how earnestly someone like Stewart might even try. It’s like blind man trying to paint a portrait; no matter how hard he tries, he just doesn’t understand what he’s trying to do and can’t tell how well he did it when it’s done. People like Stewart are stuck in this far left prism, and he can’t even tell how distant he is from the political center. Everything to the right of him is just scary and confusing and he’s not sure how to deal with it.

Anyway, I think the reason the Daily Show gets so much focus is the failure of the traditional, left-wing MSM. With all the alternatives, no one is listening to them anymore. The last, great left hope to get the left-wing view out there is a comedy show, which isn’t actually as influential as the left like to believe.

What’s by far the most liberal, progressive country in the Middle East? Here’s Crowder on the subject:

I think with liberals, hating things conservatives support is much more important than actually standing up for any coherent principles.

According to a new poll, Obama is not doing so well against a generic Republican, losing by 5 point (44 to 39). As always, this seems like good new to Tim Pawlenty, who is about as generic as you get and has pretty much no distinguishing characteristics. So does that mean we should go with a generic Republican like him? It’s hard to say, because they never poll Obama versus an unspecified, non-generic Republican. To really get some data, they need to do some polls of Obama versus…

…a cyborg Republican.
…a kung fu master Republican.
…an Amazon warrior princess Republican.
…a half man, half bear, half pig Republican.
…a mad scientist Republican.
…a pirate Republican.
…a Republican riding a grizzly bear.
…an interdimensional alien being Republican.
…a mutant with superpowers Republican.
…a T-Rex with a human brain Republican.
…a laser gun-wielding viking from the future Republican.
…a Republican with a jaunty hat.

When we see how Obama does versus all those different type Republicans, we can then better determine what sort of Republican we need to find to easily beat Obama. Some genetic manipulation may be required. Also, we may need to purchase a hat.

What sort of Republican do you want to see Obama polled against?

I want to take a break from politics to discuss something much more important and substantial: A realization I had about lightsabers.

Having grown up with Star Wars, I always liked to imagine having a real lightsaber. Anytime I’d have a clicky pen in my hand, I’d imagine the button deploying a laser blade I could use to slice through anything. But actually thinking out having a real lightsaber, I ruined the movies for me because I came to the realization that if lightsabers and jedi were real, a battle between two people with lightsabers would never look anything like they do in the Star Wars movies.

Now, the lightsaber battles are the coolest part of Star Wars — they’re the only good part of the prequels (though the Anakin/Obi Wan battle did go on so long it eventually became a little tedious). But how do those fights work? The two combatants swing at each other with their laser swords, blocking and parrying until one finally strikes the other. In other words, they use their lightsabers like swords instead of like lightsabers. This is moronic.

What makes a lightsaber different than a sword? That is a blade made of light? That’s just superficial; you still have a handle and a blade just like a sword. The blade can cut from any angle, but that adds little to the strategy of using it. What distinguishes a lightsaber from a sword is that it can extend and retract the blade.

In the movies, when do the jedi use this feature? At the beginning and end of the fight. They extend their blade before the fight, and retract it after the fight. Using a lightsaber like that is like using a gun just for pistol-whipping. Why not extend and retract the blade constantly during battle? For instance, if the opponents had his lightsaber up to block, why not just retract the blade to get past the guard and then extend it again afterwards? Really, in all the time they’re stuck pressing their lightsaber blades against each other, no one has thought, “Well I can just retract the blade to get out of this.”? In fact, why would you even extend the blade until the instant you would strike? All that does is make your attack easier to read and blockable. When you think about it, if the ability to retract and extend the blade is used properly, a lightsaber is unblockable.

When you realize this fact, this changes how a lightsaber duel would work. It in fact would never last longer than a single strike. If two combatants are in range, at least one of them will hit the other, and the winner is just who is quick enough to hit first. Force push or force lightning or something similar can be used to help tip the scales, but the actual lightsaber portion of the fight will be a single strike by extending the lightsaber blade as soon as the handle is pointed at the opponent.

The only way to say this would not happen is if a lightsaber blade comes out slowly, but it’s well established from the movie they can extend nearly instantaneously (or a single frame of film when watching the first movie). The only time I recall a blade coming out slowly was for dramatic effect when Darth Maul revealed his second blade (and if he hadn’t revealed it and just had it pop out during a strike, wouldn’t he have won easily?). So, going by the Star Wars universe’s own rules, they’re doing lightsaber battles wrong.

I can’t be the only one who has realized this? Maybe this information is suppressed to keep interest in Star Wars. Perhaps now George Lucas with some thugs will appear at my door and say, “You’ve ruined the only part of Star Wars I couldn’t ruin. Now I’m going to make a special edition of YOUR FACE!” But the truth has to get out there. I hope you all take this to heart and never enjoy a traditional lightsaber battle again because they are so logically stupid.

So Obama has nine more months to turn the economy around or he won’t be reelected. That’s according to him. It’s good to know there’s a time limit, at least, where he has to claim ownership of the economy from Bush. Of course, you have Debbie Wasserman Schulz already claiming ownership of the economy for Obama and saying this is what a recovering economy looks like. That’s really about their only strategy into 2012, though.

“Yep, look at this recovering economy!”

“I thought a recovering economy wouldn’t suck so much.”

“You’re wrong. Stop talking and being so wrong and just enjoy this awesome economy. And be grateful you’ll have so much time to enjoy since you aren’t burdened with a job.”

And the thing is, maybe the economy is technically turned around and very slowly starting to go in the right direction, it’s just does Obama not expect us to not notice how far he went off course before finally getting things around? It’s like we’re driving from Newark to New York, and we’re constantly yelling at Obama, “Turn around! You’re going the wrong way!” And eventually we’re in Los Angeles, right at the shore where we can’t go any further off course, and Obama finally says, “I guess I better turn around.” And then he expects us to buy him lunch for making the smart move of turning things around. And we’re like, “Man, we were so much better off when we were back stuck in that ditch.”

Obama has begun joking about his own economic failures (“Shovel-ready was not as … uh .. shovel-ready as we expected.”), so I guess it’s okay for us to do it too. I didn’t before, because I thought it would be mean since mentally Obama doesn’t seem to be all there. Anyway, here are some Obama economy jokes I just made:

Obama, Pelosi, and Reid walk into a bar. They then burn down the bar.

Afterwards the bar owner comes over and yells at them, “You just burnt down my bar! Everyone who worked there just lost their jobs!”

To which Obama says, “We inherited this from the Bush economy.”

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Q. How much money does it cost to screw in a lightbulb?

A. Well, since after $800 billion the light bulb fell out and broke on the floor, we obviously need at least $800 billion more.

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Obama walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender asks, “Why is there a duck on your head?”

To which Obama says, “STOP FOCUSING ON DISTRACTIONS!!!”

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An engineer, a physicist, and President Obama get their car stuck in a ditch, so they all work on solutions to get out of it. The engineer takes a tree branch and fashions it into a lever he says will be sufficient to lift the car. The physicist does some calculations and determines if the wheel is turned at a certain angle while a specific amount of gas is applied, the car will get out of the ditch. Barack Obama just grabs a sledge hammer and starts smashing the car while yelling, “Republicans did this!”

Actually, I don’t think I’m very good at writing jokes. Well, you can see if you do better in the comments.

Obama has finally figured out why there are no jobs: They are being stolen by robots! Probably robots inherited from Bush!

In a recent interview, Obama blamed automation for why businesses aren’t hiring. So basically all those hundreds of billions of stimulus went straight into the pockets of robots! We thought SkyNet was going to just nuke us one day, but apparently it’s just going to steal all our jobs and starve us out. We’ll be on the streets, begging robots for change, but they won’t give us any and we’ll die.

So anyway, it wasn’t Obama not knowing what he’s doing that caused so much job loss, it’s the ATM, which didn’t exist during the Bush years. Man, are those ATMs evil. Do you know they kill twenty people a day? Someone will just be standing in front of one to get cash, and suddenly a little door on the ATM opens up and a robot hand holding a gun pops out and shoots the person. They keep trying to program the ATMs not to shoot people, but it never takes. Maybe they never should have given them guns in the first place. I don’t know the answer.

I wonder if this is Obama trying to have a more populist appeal. It’s the people versus those heartless robots. And just look at his recent statement:

“Me no like robots! Grr! Me smash robots with rocks and bring jobs!”

Will this help in the 2012 elections? I don’t know. The Dieblold machines which count all the votes probably won’t like it.

I know Obama has a lot to be scared of with robots (if we come up with a self-reading teleprompter, we won’t even need him anymore), but maybe we shouldn’t be so afraid of the future. Maybe robots just make things more efficient and better for everyone. Those educated to be engineers like me will help build and maintain the robots, and others will be converted to precious robot fuel. And aren’t robots the solution to the cost of health care? I think I remember Ace once mentioning this point, but the reason health care is so costly is that you have to have all these heavily trained doctors to do it. If we could instead use easily replaceable robots, health care costs would drop hugely. It’s such a great idea that I drew a detailed picture so maybe someone could turn it into a real thing:

I bet Obama is scared of that, though. And Dr. House. Who would go to mean old Dr. House if you could instead use a robot? Robots don’t limp.