Celebrating once again – on its special day – the country that Americans only care about once a year because it’s a great excuse to get drunk.
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FUN FACTS ABOUT IRELAND
* Ireland is slightly larger than the state of West Virginia. However, in Ireland, impoverished mountain folk are known as “hillrileys”
* All Irish citizens are required by law to make a bizarre pilgrimmage to Dublin once a year, crawling on their bellies while balancing a full glass of Guinness on their head.
* The average life expectancy for men in Ireland is 75 years. At 76, the crystal in their hand starts flashing red. Carousel!
* 88% of the Irish are members of the Roman Catholic Church, making the Catholic population nearly as large as the Kennedys.
* Ireland’s #1 agricultural product is turnips, which the nation switched to after the country’s potato crop was devastated by a visiting Michael Moore on a french-fry binge.
* There are 36 airports in Ireland, all suitable for night-flight landings thanks to the plethora of neon “Jameson” bar signs lighting the runways.
* Catherine Kelly was the smallest Irish woman ever, only 34 inches tall. She died in 1785 in the electric chair after mudering 137 people while screaming “leprechaun jokes aren’t funny!”
* And before you ask, no, they never found her pot of gold, smartass.
* According to one rather obscure Irish legend, a ringing in your ears means a deceased friend stuck in Purgatory is ringing a bell to ask for you to pray for him. Or you’re an idiot who forgot to remove your bluetooth earpiece.
* Montgomery Street in Dublin was once the largest red light district in all of Europe, with over 1600 prostitutes plying their trade. Most of them insisted you should pronounce their name to rhyme with “book”.
* In the olden days, a pig was often allowed to live in the house with the family on an Irish farm. He was commonly referred to as “the gentleman who pays the rent.” Modern Irish immigrant families usually just called him “Teddy”.
* A single day of good weather that pops up in a long stretch of bad days is known in Ireland as a “pet day”, and is celebrated with binge-drinking, dancing, and raucous music. As are all other days containing weather.
* “Keening” is the Irish version of loud crying at wakes. It involves wailing and expressing endearments in Gaelic to the deceased. Although similar, it should not be confused with its more annoying cousin, “bagpiping.”
* Dublin was originally called “Dubh Linn,” which means “Black Pool”, although they had considered naming it “Marbh Linn” after the 5th and best Dirty Harry movie.
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Happy St. Patrick’s Day!
“Begorrah! Oi’ve become a Blinking O’Red! O that I should be cut down in me proime as a tender lad of 76!”
Ted Kennedy managed to bribe another year out of the system. Breitbart made fun of him when he died because he was a conservative and so we must hate him.
I think Blinking O’Red was the name of the last blended whiskey (or whisky) I drank, which is why I am sober today.
“Ireland’s #1 agricultural product is turnips…”
…which the Irish switched to after a bunch them kept falling off potato trucks.
Wait. That’s sad.
As an Irish-American, I rate this post 6 stars, Harvey, and I’ll toast one to ya on the morrow, I will!
In Ireland, at the end of a rainbow, you can find a pot of gold.
In America, at the end of a rainbow, you can find a rusting Chevy Volt.
Everywhere, at the end of a double rainbow, you find a dude stoned out of his mind…
RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACIST!
what’s that? Irish isn’t a race because they’re don’t have tans? ok, nevermind.
PS: Not all Irish people are drunks, lots of them are dead like Ted. He’s been clean for years now.
I didn’t realize the Irish were conducting electrocutions over a century before we did. IMAO is like Wikipedia with a sense of humor!
Seriously, good job Harvey-very funny.
Wow, they had electricity in 1785? Did they also invent the candlelight vigil?
Hafta sent this to my uncle Seamus.
@NO_MO_BAMA:
“PS: Not all Irish people are drunks…”
True, but most of us are walking around in a stupor anyway.
Except for CarolynWhoIsProbablyHavingHerIrishBabyRightNow.
Q: Where does an Irishman go when he’s on vacation? A: To a different pub. Q: What’s the deffination of an Irish queer? That’s an Irishman who likes women better than whisky.
Q: Why did I spell definition….deffination? A: Too much Bushmills.
My Irish grandfather was so drunk he ended up on a boat to America and married to an Italian.
And it was Ben O’Franklin who invented the electric chair in 1776, it only worked when there was lightning and since there wasn’t global warming yet (and everyone knows that global warming causes lightning), it never caught on.
“Hey Teddy, What if I’m pregnant?” “Don’t worry Mary-Joe, we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.”
….And who dosn’t love a good old irish ballad? Or two? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cbenhxn8Xwo&feature=related http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D5KqEQvgYyk&feature=related
You know, I had something clever. Then I read NoMO’s last comment and it went *poof*. I can’t beat that.
On a side note, racism against the Irish lives! Wilbraham, MA has a school that declared today “O’Green Day”. So anything Irish begins with “O”? Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaacists! It all begins with “Mc”!
I married an Irish woman, so I consider myself something of an expert on the subject. Here are a few more fun facts:
-Corned Beef is not really Irish. In fact, the closest you can geto it, anywhere in the British Isles, is from their neighbors, the Scots: cornholed sheep.
-Not all Irishmen are drunks. Some are addicted to meth.
-The traditional Irish Sword Dance is typically followed by Traditional Irish Stumpin’ Around.
-From my own experience, the most popular soup at a traditional Irish pub (like Bennigan’s) seems to be the (apparently inappropriately named) French Onion Soup.
* Only when drunk, will an Irishman drink Scotch!
Gun Nut – few people realize what crafty folk the Irish are, mostly because they tend to get drunk and forget their brilliant ideas before anyone sees them.
NOMOBAMA – “My Irish grandfather was so drunk he ended up on a boat to America and married to an Italian.”
I’m not Irish, but I was in the Navy. Believe me, I can relate.
Jimmy – So… constantly?
That crack about “Teddy” was extremely offensive. It’s an insult to all swinekind.
Harvey, I’m always in a stupor so I wouldn’t know.
“The Gaels of Ireland are the men that God made mad,
for all their wars are merry, and all their songs are sad.”
― G.K. Chesterton
To all who post here (even the few trolls)
A Prayer
May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind always be at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
and rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of His hand.
A Joke
“Well, Mrs. O’Connor, so you want a divorce?” the solicitor questioned his client.
“Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?”
“Oh, no,” replied Mrs. O’Connor. “Shure now, we have a carport.”
The solicitor tried again. “Well, does the man beat you up?”
“No, no,” said Mrs. O’Connor, looking puzzled. “Oi’m always first out of bed.”
Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again.
“What I’m trying to find out are what grounds you have.”
“Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat — not even a window box, let alone grounds.”
“Mrs. O’Connor,” the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, “you need a reason that the court can consider.
What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?”
“Ah, well now,” said the lady,
“Shure it’s because the man can’t hold an intelligent conversation.”
Today we celebrate, tomorrow we fight. It’s just our way.
I think I’ll lick me some potatoes today, I will.
And I be wonderin’ if a certain person will be havin’ her baby t’day?
(And I note we’ve heard nothing from certain people of German ancestry. ‘Who do you think you are?’ (Oh, come on, that’s a pun. You’re just minimally cultured if you haven’t seen the TV program!))
Alas, still pregnant. No St. Patrick’s Day baby for me. This baby is coming when she’s good and ready. Oy vey.
As befitting a man of German and Scottish origins, I forgot about Saint Patrick’s Day. And while I will never celebrate anything of this holiday, I must say that I do find nothing but praiseworthy material in the delicious, plentiful, nutritious, and beneficial potato.
Carolyn — “Oy vey”? Better not wait until Passover. No labor permitted.
i just sobered up. where is everybody?
I knew you had a redeeming quality, Marko. Well, at least one.
If I wanted an Irish jig, I’d go to the White House.
#26 – Tommy the Towelhead,
I read your comment, didn’t get it, shrugged, and went back to the main page.
Then I got it! Ouch! 😉