Straight Line of the Day: In Order to Get People to Actually Read the Stories They Print, Newspapers…

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

In order to get people to actually read the stories they print, newspapers…

43 Comments

  1. In order to get people to actually read the stories they print, newspapers…

    have included a “Minder” who “Encourages” you to “Read” the paper. IF you know what’s good for you.

  2. Have started offering remedial reading classes for their subscribers who graduated from a government high school while functionally illiterate.

    Absolutely nothing. The ruling elite do not want the voters to find out what is actually going on in D.C.

  3. In Order to Get People to Actually Read the Stories They Print, Newspapers…

    are lobbying for Obamacare to include federally mandated “reader assistance technology” via the Ludovico technique as seen in A Clockwork Orange.

  4. In order to get people to actually read the stories they print, newspapers…

    their editorial boards have taken to advocating a return to the traditional core curriculum that was taught in schools.

  5. In order to get people to actually read the stories they print, newspapers…

    called on the Government to enforce a mandatory public newspaper reading meeting for every citizen in the morning, right before their soon to be called for mandatory calisthenics. [see Obamacare, page 3,456 paragraph 3 section 2A subclause ff.]

  6. In order to get people to actually read the stories they print, newspapers…

    …demanded that children can no longer watch television.

    …put a bounty on the internet

    …switched from paper to plastic

    …had to do some actual work

  7. …will print articles about healthcare substituting the word ‘Obamacare’ with ‘cookies’: “Pelosi says everybody should have cookies; Republicans try to repeal cookies again”

  8. In order to get people to actually read the stories they print, newspapers…

    … are using Comic Sans MS font.

    … started hiring “rapper- writers.”

    … are stamping “Top Secret” on each page.

  9. …are relying on the swing vote of John Roberts to agree that the Second Amendment could be used to enforce the First Amendment.

    …will stop their standard practice of using the first paragraph to hide the lone fact in and increase their bias by screening the conjecture to weed out stuff that sounds plausible.

    …will begin each article with: I ain’t sayin’, I’m just sayin’, and conclude with: It is what it is.

    …will begin printing the Page Three Girl with all the articles written on her in really tiny type.

  10. In order to get people to actually read the stories they print, newspapers…

    will replace everything after the first sentence with “Blah, blah, blah…” to see if anyone notices. If they do they will sue them. Grounds? They’ll make something up.

  11. … have started hiding lottery numbers in the small print.

    … Asked the government to start taxing blogs.

    … called people who don’t read newspapers racist.

    … Decided to stop cheerleading for Obama and be more.. Mawhahahaa Darn, couldn’t say it with a straight face.

    … imply that every third word in their articles will unlock an alternate ending to “Game of Thrones” in which ‘Red Wedding’ never happened.

    … Will translate all articles into lolcat.

  12. … just make stuff up. Facts are hard. And boring.

    … offer a travel guide to all 57 states.

    … write an interesting obituary for the poor corpsman.

    … reduce their reader’s cognitive dissonance by praising Obama’s brilliance in the same article where they report the latest scandal, foreign policy disaster or economic downturn.

  13. Pingback: IMAO » Blog Archive » You’ve Been Judged!

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