Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.
In order to get people to actually read the stories they print, newspapers…
Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.
In order to get people to actually read the stories they print, newspapers…
In order to get people to actually read the stories they print, newspapers…
have started publishing them on twenty dollar bills.
In order to get people to actually read the stories they print, newspapers…
have included a “Minder” who “Encourages” you to “Read” the paper. IF you know what’s good for you.
In order to get people to actually read the stories they print, newspapers…
included more pictures of fluffy kittens playing.
…printed on toilet paper…
…broadcast images of the newpapers on TV
… stop using cursive.
…they’re including a pull-out titled “Tips On Reading A Newspaper” – which, of course, has to be read.
Have started offering remedial reading classes for their subscribers who graduated from a government high school while functionally illiterate.
Absolutely nothing. The ruling elite do not want the voters to find out what is actually going on in D.C.
In Order to Get People to Actually Read the Stories They Print, Newspapers…
are lobbying for Obamacare to include federally mandated “reader assistance technology” via the Ludovico technique as seen in A Clockwork Orange.
…sure as heck didn’t put it in a bill to Congress..
In order to get people to actually read the stories they print, newspapers…
their editorial boards have taken to advocating a return to the traditional core curriculum that was taught in schools.
…are including lots of subliminal advertising in hard-to-read ink that say “Read Me!”
Have replaced Obama stories with Far Side cartoons (and nobody noticed).
Every issue delivered by English tutor, Spanish translator, and union thug (to get the message across)
… format all stories as Buzzfeed-style top N lists with semi-related stock art.
… employ the “Joe Biden” test to see if any ol’ idiot can comprehend the articles.
@16 Hey! They said read ’em, nothing about knowing what they are talking about. 🙂
In order to get people to actually read the stories they print, newspapers…
called on the Government to enforce a mandatory public newspaper reading meeting for every citizen in the morning, right before their soon to be called for mandatory calisthenics. [see Obamacare, page 3,456 paragraph 3 section 2A subclause ff.]
In order to get people to actually read the stories they print, newspapers…
have adopted a “Better Read than dead” position.
…are going cover-to-cover with Kardashians, Kardashians, Kardashians!
…print them in spanish, ebonics and twitter, no more english, but a pic of the kardashians above the fold.
Keep stories less than 140 characters
Fire everyone and hire kids with crayon.
“William and Kate” will be bolded and rando
mly placed throughout the newspaper.
Make it free, and subsidized with taxpayers
money, worked for Obamacare.
In order to get people to actually read the stories they print, newspapers…
have begun offering cash rewards to the public for each word they recognized from that days edition.
In order to get people to actually read the stories they print, newspapers…
…demanded that children can no longer watch television.
…put a bounty on the internet
…switched from paper to plastic
…had to do some actual work
…are including sheet music aimed specifically at the ‘caged bird’ range.
bought copies of “Hooked on Phonics” for their writers.
…are changing their names to titles like ‘Playhouse’ and ‘Pentboy’.
…they will dumb down the language to the same level that politicians use.
…will print articles about healthcare substituting the word ‘Obamacare’ with ‘cookies’: “Pelosi says everybody should have cookies; Republicans try to repeal cookies again”
Send annoying people that look suspiciously like hippies door-to-door who give a free paper and then try to talk folks into buying a subscription (seriously, they do).
…will soak the newsprint in ‘Oil of Obama.’
In order to get people to actually read the stories they print, newspapers…
… are using Comic Sans MS font.
… started hiring “rapper- writers.”
… are stamping “Top Secret” on each page.
…are relying on the swing vote of John Roberts to agree that the Second Amendment could be used to enforce the First Amendment.
…will stop their standard practice of using the first paragraph to hide the lone fact in and increase their bias by screening the conjecture to weed out stuff that sounds plausible.
…will begin each article with: I ain’t sayin’, I’m just sayin’, and conclude with: It is what it is.
…will begin printing the Page Three Girl with all the articles written on her in really tiny type.
…have relented and agreed to a lower level in Hades for all editors and all the liberal writers really do have to look like that all the time.
… fasten them to condom wrappers, urinal cakes and inside bathroom stall doors.
In order to get people to actually read the stories they print, newspapers…
will replace everything after the first sentence with “Blah, blah, blah…” to see if anyone notices. If they do they will sue them. Grounds? They’ll make something up.
… have started hiding lottery numbers in the small print.
… Asked the government to start taxing blogs.
… called people who don’t read newspapers racist.
… Decided to stop cheerleading for Obama and be more.. Mawhahahaa Darn, couldn’t say it with a straight face.
… imply that every third word in their articles will unlock an alternate ending to “Game of Thrones” in which ‘Red Wedding’ never happened.
… Will translate all articles into lolcat.
… just make stuff up. Facts are hard. And boring.
… offer a travel guide to all 57 states.
… write an interesting obituary for the poor corpsman.
… reduce their reader’s cognitive dissonance by praising Obama’s brilliance in the same article where they report the latest scandal, foreign policy disaster or economic downturn.
…
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…will have some white person lock their car door as you cross the street, crushing your spirit and condemning your entire race to hardship and struggle if you don’t.