Archive of entries posted on 8th August 2013

Obama’s War on Terror in One Paragraph

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[High Praise! to Hope n’ Change Cartoons]

And the reason that our consulates are closed, terror warnings have been issued, and Americans are biting their nails today is because they know that Barry was lying when he said that he had Al-Qaeda “on the run.” And that when this president declared an end to the War on Terror, it didn’t mean the war was over – only that he, personally, was no longer interested in fighting it.

Wisdom of the Day: Powerball Films Prejudice Heirs Golfer Memes

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Congress Should Be the Canary in the Coal Mine

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Congress got an Obamacare waiver. Of course they get to be immune from the damage they cause others. In a more rational world, Congress would be like the canary in a coal mine — anything that would hurt us would hurt them more and first. Like as soon as the economy is failing and debt starts to rise, the first thing to go will be their benefits and salaries. Any law imposed on the public should have the penalties doubled if someone in Congress violates it. Whenever we suffer, they should suffer much more.

See the big problem with politicians is they are constantly asking themselves, “How will this affect the public?” The problem is this leads to poor thinking because, deep down, they don’t really care about the public. Who they care about our themselves. So, if we make sure all laws affect them much more, any time they pass a new policy they’ll be asking, “How will this effect me?!” This will lead to much better results. Or at least more suffering for them. Either way, better than things are now.

Prepare for 2016 Disappointment

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So who do you like least as the Republican presidential candidate for 2016? Well, prepare for that person to be the nominee. Come on, people, we’ve done this a few times and we know how it works. The chance of getting a Republican nominee who is even remotely tolerable is pretty minute. It could happen, but it’s not something we can count on. So it’s a good idea to get grumpy about the 2016 nominee now so we’re not too shocked by whomever it actually is a few years from now.

Of course, I remind you, I become old enough to be president next year and I will accept the job if offered. And unlike any other candidate, I have no plans to do anything if elected. If president, I plan to just collect my weekly paycheck (wait, how often do they pay?) and basically play video games all the time while ignoring everyone’s whiny cries to help them. Because this is America. You handle your own problems.

Do you get that promise from Chris Christie? He’s going to try to do stuff, and the only way to distract him will be to keep delivering him pounds and pounds of cooked bacon, which is expensive.

Will you get that promise from Rubio? No, he’s going to “reform” immigration. While the only thing I will actually do as president is protect our nation’s sovereignty. In fact, if the problem is anything other than we’re being invaded, I will get really angry if bothered. I might even discharge a firearm — as I’ll be able to get away with that since I’m president.

So, if you want someone who is going to finally get into the presidency and have the wisdom to do nothing with all that power, remember Frank J. for 2016. I promise nothing, and I will deliver.

Gulf

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HomerBrainWhat comes to mind when someone says “gulf?”

I remember Gulf Oil company sponsoring TV broadcasts of space shots in the 1960s. There’s the Gulf of Mexico. Persian Gulf.

So, besides a defunct oil company, “gulf” generally means a place where the sea extends into the land. But, it can have another meaning: a deep chasm, or a gap.

On The Tonight Show With Jay Leno the other night, the president showed just how big of a dumbass he is:

If we don’t deepen our ports all along the Gulf — places like Charleston, South Carolina, or Savannah, Georgia, or Jacksonville, Florida — if we don’t do that, those ships are going to go someplace else. And we’ll lose jobs. Businesses won’t locate here.

I’ve been those cities. And, I’ve been to the Gulf coast. But never at the same time.

I’d like to think I don’t have to tell you that Jacksonville, Savannah, and Charleston are not cities on the Gulf. But, nobody seemed to tell The Smertest President Evah that those cities are on the Atlantic Ocean.

So, what comes to mind when someone says “gulf?”

The right answer is: A deep chasm, or a gap. As in the deep chasm in the head of Obama, and the ones that voted for him.

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Random Thoughts: Unpopular Opinions

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So can you make a summer blockbuster movie without explosions in it, or is that a bit like writing a whole novel without using the letter e?

I try to be a compassionate conservative, but I laugh any time I see a poor person fall down. It’s funny because they don’t have healthcare!

People think Republicans want to control women by limiting abortion? That’s stupid. If we wanted to control women, we’d use shock collars.

It’s a good idea for Republicans to start preparing today to be disappointed by their 2016 presidential candidate.

Do transgenders and feminists get in arguments about whether gender differences are just a social construct?

When writing a left-wing AI, make sure the if statement for outrage includes “&& HelpsMyPolitics”.

Actually, to be more technical, it should be like “&& DetermineHelpPolitics(incident)”

You could simulate about 90% left-wing arguing by looking for key words and returning stock phrases. “It’s only a tax cut for the rich!”

I should write that program, combine with voice software, and add to plush doll. Pocket Liberal! Who wouldn’t want one?

I figure my wife and I need to make at least three kids or we’re not even really competing in this evolution game.

“I don’t know anything about Gosnell; tee-hee, I’m just a girl.” -Abortion Barbie

#ConfessYourUnpopularOpinion We could solve all our problems with punitive taxes on being poor.

#ConfessYourUnpopularOpinion Doctor Gay Hitler had some good ideas (mainly about dental hygiene).

#ConfessYourUnpopularOpinion All my political opinions are popular.

#ConfessYourUnpopularOpinion Never really got the big rush to replace the Articles of Confederacy.

#ConfessYourUnpopularOpinion I’d rather voter turnout be even lower than it usually is.

#ConfessYourUnpopularOpinion Whining isn’t speech and shouldn’t be protected by the 1st Amendment.

#ConfessYourUnpopularOpinion Almost no one in this country has an actual problem.

#ConfessYourUnpopularOpinion The best way to stop all the fake outrage would be to bring back dueling.

#ConfessYourUnpopularOpinion The introduction of modern contraception has overall had a negative effect on society.

I mean really; out of wedlock births went up after contraception became available; overall it’s been a complete failure.

#ConfessYourUnpopularOpinion America is a country of 300 million whiny, entitled, rich kids.

#ConfessYourUnpopularOpinion It’s too hard to starve to death in this country.

#ConfessYourUnpopularOpinion It would be better for science if no layman was “pro-science.”

#ConfessYourUnpopularOpinion Hate to contradict you, Dundee, but that was in fact a knife.

#ConfessYourUnpopularOpinion Too many people “own” houses.

#ConfessYourUnpopularOpinion Looking at current financial crises, Potter was actually the hero of It’s a Wonderful Life.

#ConfessYourUnpopularOpinion Every popular musician or group is hugely overrated.

#ConfessYourUnpopularOpinion Rich people contribute enough to society that they shouldn’t have to also pay for your retirement/health care.

#ConfessYourUnpopularOpinion I liked The Postman.

#ConfessYourUnpopularOpinion The rich’s fair share is absolutely nothing.

#ConfessYourUnpopularOpinion Everyone was thinking exactly what Rush said about Sandra Fluke.

#ConfessYourUnpopularOpinion I waste too much time not playing Candy Crush.

#ConfessYourUnpopularOpinion Executive meddling often leads to a better product.