[High Praise! to jw]

The headline:

It’s Not That He’s Liberal, And It’s Certainly Not That He’s Black. It’s That Obama Just Really Sucks At Being President

The quote (by Andrew Malcolm, from the article):

President Obama’s policy reset with Russia is working out as well as his economic stimulus, Guantanamo closing, spending cutbacks, green energy investments, debt discipline, Benghazi investigation, Egyptian fallout, midterm campaigning, Syrian dictator-ousting, Bush-blaming, Libya-calming, Iran-isolating, job approval, budget-passing, Kim Jong-un-taming, ObamaCare implementation and Muslim-outreaching.

The question:

Which brings up the question: What has President Obama gotten right?

I’m not trying to pick a fight. I’m really looking for an answer. You name a politician from Jimmy Carter (eventually got monetary policy right) to Deval Patrick (partial de-regulation of car insurance) and I can name some significant policy or initiative that worked, that made things better or that they at least didn’t screw up.

My answer:

Although I find Obama an inept President and a contemptible human being, I must – in good conscience – give him credit for not keeping his promise of immediately surrendering in the War on Terror.

Gitmo is open, bin Laden is dead, Pakistani terrorists are being transformed into a fine red mist via drone strike, and Somali pirates were shot instead of negotiated with.

Could Obama be doing more? Like trying to actually win this war?

Of course. And any Republican would have.

But he could also have done less.

And as cynical, hateful, partisan, bitter, and resentful as I am of Obama’s willful undermining of everything that makes America a great nation, I give him the small amount of credit he deserves in this area.

So what’s the biggest problem facing our country? Well, obviously it’s all those fat kids waddling about. They threaten the very essence of our nation with their Cheeto dust-stained fingers and their chocolate covered faces. What if we get in a new world war but all we have are tubby piles of goo to put up against cyber-nazis? America would be over.

But good news: Childhood obesity is starting to decline. So in all this darkness, there is hope for this nation after all. And I think long after President Barack Obama is forgotten (because we’ll probably decide to have a redo on the first black president since it’s so important to get that right), his wife will be remembered as a savior of this nation for her fight against fat kids. As Michelle Obama always say, “I hate you fat kids and your freakish sausage fingers. Get away from me!” Words that will be long remembered.

So, if you thought the Filner story couldn’t get any worse, it did. So he said he’d only help an injured marine in exchange for a date with a nurse. It’s for stuff like this is why we need to have clauses for when we take a politician outside, seal him up in a metal crate, and throw him in the sea.

Oh, I know some of you bleeding hearts are saying, “You can’t just shove a politician into a metal crate and throw him into the sea; he has rights!” But that’s like saying, “You can’t put a prisoner in solitary confinement; he has rights!” Just like a prisoner gave up rights by committing crimes, politicians give up rights by running for office and self-identifying themselves as sociopaths we need to keep an eye on. And knowing how dangerous politicians can be, we need to have procedures ready for when they become especially loathsome. And that’s why Filner needs to be shoved into a crate with a label on it “Do not open; contents may sexually assault you.” At least that’s what self-respecting citizens would do.

Now that Russia has given Snowden asylum, I hear that both Kerry and Obama are a bit put out.  My man in State has leaked that in response they are planning on taking the following diplomatic actions toward Russia.

• Petulantly ask Putin to send back their reset button
• Give Hollywood the go ahead to use Russian villains again
• Photoshop Putin out of all their old photos
• Jump into an ill-advised rebound relationship with Syria
• Spitefully stop being the American voice for Communism
• Impose high tariffs on the mail order bride industry
• Give Putin an ipod filled with Reagan’s speeches
• Arrange to meet with Russia in Sweden for some group therapy sessions
• Curl up with some Hagen Daas and a box of tissues and watch Rocky IV again
• Put Hillary in charge again
• See if they would be willing to give Joe asylum too
• Blame it on racism, and Bush and the sequester, but mostly racism
• Cry and then get a makeover