Archive of entries posted on January 2014

Random Thoughts: Marriage, Beards, and Income Inequality

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Marriage is a very important institution to many people… which should’ve been an argument to keep the govt out of it as much as possible.

Having the government redefine marriage didn’t begin with gay marriage and it won’t end with it.

Scifi always seems to be predicting bigger, even more tightly packed cities but I think it’s going the opposite way.

I mean, really, who needs a big city anymore? We don’t need to live near each other; we have Amazon.com and can telecommute.

I’ll never understand why welfare ever evolved from anything more than just handing poor people a crust of bread.

Compromise: Pardon Snowden for telling us the NSA is spying on Americans. Execute him for revealing the NSA is spying on foreigners.

“Let’s all grow beards; it will distract everyone from our record-setting incompetence.” -White House

Why is Jay Carney also wearing a flannel shirt and speaking in a deeper voice?

Planets die all the time. And if Earth isn’t going to be around forever, I’d rather spend our remaining time using my preferred light bulbs.

“I decided to grow some facial hair too. It’s called a ‘toothbrush mustache.'”
“BIDEN!”

PRO TIP: To get practice at fist-fighting humans, first fist fight a monkey and then move up to a lesser ape.

When is the Game of Thrones/Downton Abbey crossover?

So what does “fighting income inequality” mean? You put a gun to the head of someone with more money and then take it?

And if I have a million dollars but someone else has a billion dollars, how sad should you be about my inequality?

Just a month ago Obama told Jay Carney, “If you like your clean-shaven face, you can keep it.”

One of the biggest travesties of the income tax is the idea someone’s income is anyone’s business other than his own.

The Old Spice ad was weird. I’m afraid I can’t devote any of my vast intellectual powers to analyzing it, though.

I love my fellow Americans, but I don’t want any of them to have even a fractional say over my own finances.

As for income inequality, I’d like people to have the income they deserve but I don’t think I could stand idly by while that many people starve.

I could have told you banning gun sales was unconstitutional and it only would have cost you $50.

We’re becoming a country of 300 million spoiled rich kids who have no idea where money comes from.

I don’t have to worry about cold weather here in warm sunny Idaho.

With the trajectory we’ve been on this century, it shouldn’t be long until the supervolcano erupts.

I’m guessing the unconstitutional part of Chicago’s banning of gun sales was where they banned gun sales.

The news says the Fed has been engaged in pro-growth policies since the beginning of the Great Recession. What evidence is there of that?

Biden’s 2014 New Year Resolutions

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My man in State has done it again.  He has managed to get his hands on the Vice President’s list of New Year Resolutions for 2014.   This year he resolves to:

  • Learn how to tie my own shoes
  • Get brave enough to pet Bo
  • Finish watching School House Rock’s How a Bill Becomes a Law
  • Get brave enough to pet Hillary
  • Steal my nose back from Sasha
  • Learn how to use my DVR so I can get caught up on the back episodes of Sesame Street
  • Get brave enough to pet Putin
  • Get past onesies in jacks
  • Figure out how to pry that safety plug out of the electrical outlet so I can finally taste it
  • Place in the Senate Simon Sez competition
  • Get brave enough to pet Rachel Maddow
  • Finally beat Barney Frank at strip tic-tac-toe
  • Prove that Nancy is a real witch
  • Finish the bust of Helen Thomas fashioned from my toenail clipping collection
  • Practice kissing with the bust of Helen Thomas fashioned from my toe nail clippings
  • Get brave enough to kiss the real Helen Thomas
  • Live happily ever after

Talent Pool

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The cities of Los Angeles and Santa Monica in the last decade have approved more than a dozen construction projects on or near two well-known faults without requiring seismic studies to determine if the buildings could be destroyed in an earthquake.

Let me guess, the people who signed the approvals went on to design HealthCare.gov, didn’t they?

Wisdom of the Day: Brick Lute Zoos Pi China Bitcoins Sharpton

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Phil Robertson Sued

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(AP) – Just as the dust appeared to have settled on the Phil Robertson controversy, the list of people offended by Phil Robertson’s anti-gay comments continues to increase.  After receiving harsh criticism from GLAAD and other pro-gay groups, Phil Robertson is now being sued for the statement he made in an interview for GQ magazine.  In that interview he stated, “It seems like, to me, a vagina—as a man—would be more desirable than a man’s anus.”  It is these disparaging remarks that are the focus of the lawsuit.

The lawsuit against Robertson was filed by the American Society of Proctologists.  Their spokesman had this to say about the suit: “His comments are deeply offensive to us as a community of respected physicians.  It is outright defamation of our entire profession.  What is he implying?  That we are inferior to gynocologists?  That I’m not masculine because I spend most of my day gaily goosing guys?  As if.  We may never beat those baby doctors in the annual hospital picnic softball tournament, but we definitely look more fabulous in those uniforms with the short shorts, and we always win the karaoke dance off and craft competitions, honey.  So I won’t hear any more of this.  Phil can just talk to my hand.  We have been the butt of jokes for long enough (pun intended, darling), and now that someone wealthy has defamed us, we decided it was time to sue.  Hellooooo, Phil.  You gonna be my new sugar daddy now.”

When asked to comment, Phil just chuckled, shook his head in disgust and walked away.

Random Thoughts: Global Warming, Drugs, and Downton Abbey

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“Unleash the drones!” -my entire inauguration speech

Maybe poor people just don’t like money. We’ll never know.

Show proposal: Mixed martial artists debate politics and then settle things in the ring.

If we want to save money, we don’t really need Europe anymore.

I’m getting the feeling this coked-up mugger doesn’t have my best interests in mind.

I never did any drugs. I wasn’t cool enough.

I hope George Michael Bluth does an op-ed on smoking marijuana like a cigarette.

So who are you going to vote for in the Republican primary? The nutso extremist or the useless twit?

A little disappointed in Community premiere versus my expectations. 2nd episode was exactly what I was hoping for, though.

The cameo in the premiere was pretty awesome, though.

Hey, Linux, why don’t you just assume sudo in front of everything because when I ask you to do things, I really do want you to do it.

We’re never going to get good data on global warming if everyone keeps getting trapped in ice.

The plural of irony isn’t data.

They say men and women are equal, but you have to admit that men are a lot better at not letting the opposite gender oppress them.

Why don’t we just give unemployment benefits to everyone forever?

You think the problem is income inequality. I think the problem is not enough whiners getting punched in the junk. We’re at an impasse.

I once smelled some marijuana smoke at a concert and I turned out fine.

I don’t really get what’s the difference between drinking coffee and doing meth.

RE: income inequality, I don’t care how much more someone has than you when you haven’t proven yet you deserve what you have.

Is there a reason De Blasio is going after horse-drawn carriages or is the custom in New York now to just randomly ban things?

“Please don’t let the fact that we were stuck for weeks in ice undermine this very alarming data we found about global warming.”

“If we need another segment, we haven’t made fun of Sarah Palin’s handicapped kid in a while.” -MSNBC hosts, probably

It helps to not know anything about history when watching Downton Abbey so you don’t get spoilers.

The plots for Downton Abbey are getting repetitive. Every episode it’s a different duke or earl pretending to be a ghost haunting the Abbey.

“Zoinks, Nigel, it’s a g-g-ghost!”

When did Duke and Earl go from titles from nobility to names for rednecks?

Obama’s Resolution for 2014

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(AP) – Washington DC – Having solved the healthcare crisis in America, Barack Obama and his administration have now turned their attention toward solving the ever present problem of income inequality in the nation.  Toward that end, Barack met with the press and read the following statement from his teleprompter.

“So far under my administration, the income gap between the rich and the poor has increased significantly, and something must be done to rectify this inequality and finally introduce social justice to America.  Sociologists have concluded numerous times that the poor in America differ from the wealthy in two important ways.  The poor do not graduate from high school, and they do not wait until marriage before they start having children.  Studies have indicated that if a person minimally graduates from high school and doesn’t have children out of wedlock, they will not be poor.

“Armed with this knowledge, the solution to income inequality in America becomes simple.  We will begin by banning high schools and colleges entirely and requiring that all people in America have at least one child out of wedlock, preferably during their teenage years, thereby eliminating this unfair advantage that the wealthy have over the poor.  We really need to level the playing field in this respect.  Dumbing down graduation requirements and teaching teens how to procreate in school just haven’t been sufficient to achieve equality, so we need to take more drastic action.  The ruling class, of course, will be necessarily exempt from such restrictions since they are all obviously altruistic and above the fray.

“We understand this solution may not be perfect.  We understand that some Americans may be sterile or too homely to effectively reproduce, and that is ok.  In those cases we will provide children to these individuals.  Anthony Weiner, being currently unemployed, has personally volunteered to visit these individuals and rectify the situation as part of his civic duty, no matter how many tries it takes, and if Weiner is unsuccessful, forced adoption is always an option.  In addition, there may be precocious individuals that will try to learn on their own and develop an unfair advantage over their peers.  Such individuals can be dealt with through roofies, electroshock therapy and other novel approaches to induce appropriate limitations to their skills and intellect.  We all know the dangers that can spring from a knowledgeable and well informed populace, and such attributes must be curbed.

“One of my goals for 2013 was to finish the short story I was working on, and I finally finished reading it yesterday.  Has anyone read Harrison Bergeron?  It was a beautiful tale of a perfect society, until that uppity couple at the end threw off their restraints and soared.  I think a suitably edited version of that tale will be required reading in our new socially just utopia.

“Of course, none of this will remedy the current income inequality in America, but that is easy to fix.  For decades politicians have been arguing about a fair minimum wage.  I think they have been going about it all backwards.  We shouldn’t be arguing about a fair minimum wage when the problem is the fair maximum wage.  I am proposing that a fair living wage be established as an across the board minimum and maximum wage.  Problem solved.  Once the populace has enough to live on, do they really need any more?  At that point, haven’t they earned enough money?  Wouldn’t it be better to let the experts in the federal government decide how best to use the remaining resources?  It worked so well with healthcare, after all.”