NEW YORK (AP) – Fresh off the intoxicating rush of power inherent in releasing the tax returns of the most powerful man in the world without his permission, the New York Times announced that it will become the official policy of the paper to release the tax returns of anyone who earns its wrath, beginning with those people who have cancelled a subscription to the print edition of the New York Times.

Times publisher A.G. Sulzberger explained how the new policy came about.

“We’re sitting here,” said Sulzberger, “publishing garbage stories about gay presidential candidates and unnamed royal babies and junk like that – no one pays us any mind. We say that we’ve got Trump’s tax returns, and next thing you know, everyone’s reading newspapers again. Or at least the Drudge Report, which is like an online newspaper. I wish WE were an online newspaper that people liked reading. We are going broke so fast.”

“Not that we’re really in this for the money anyway,” said Sulzberger. “We mostly just like telling people what to do and pushing them around when they don’t do it. We’ve warned Trump numerous times in our op-eds not to be a sitting President who I didn’t vote for, but he just wouldn’t listen. So we went behind his back and published his private information that has absolutely nothing to do with our policy disagreements or his ability to run the country. It’s like the accountant version of a Stormy Daniels interview.”

“So,” Sulzberger continued, “I thought, if this ‘publishing tax returns instead of news’ thing is going to make us rich and famous like that one frog from the Muppet documentary, maybe we could get SUPER rich and famous if we published even more tax returns. Now, who do we hate more than thieves, murderers, President Trump, and the musical Newsies? People who’ve cancelled their print subscriptions, that’s who! So we get to hurt little people who can’t fight back, which is fun, plus maybe they decide to pay us money to not hurt them any more, or ‘resubscribe’ as the suits in marketing like us to call it. Win-win!”

Let’s be honest,” concluded Sulzberger, somehow unaware of the irony contained in his speaking that particular introductory clause, “sure, you can read all the slanted, made-up news you want on Facebook for free, but wouldn’t you rather pay us just a little so your neighbor doesn’t find out your charitable giving makes Beto look like Mother Theresa?”

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