1) In 1870, Congress made Independence Day an official unpaid holiday for federal employees in 1870. In 1938, Congress changed Independence Day to a paid federal holiday. This year, President Trump will make it so that federal workers will have to pay the government for the privilege of being associated with the greatest nation on earth.

2) Only John Hancock actually signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4, 1776. All the others signed later. If asked to sign it today, the majority of Congressmen would take a knee and whine about imaginary injustice.

3) All the original signatories would’ve agreed that the kneelers should be tarred, feathered, and tossed into Boston Harbor.

4) The youngest Declaration signer was Thomas Lynch, Jr. of South Carolina, who was 27 at the time. Despite his youth and immaturity, historical documents prove that he knew that the growling sound coming from his sink was a garbage disposal.

5) 7 of the 56 signers of the Declaration of Independence were educated at Harvard. I assume the other 49 were rejected because they identified as “Asian” on their applications.

6) The only two signers of the Declaration of Independence who later served as President of the United States were John Adams and Thomas Jefferson. To be clear, although Hillary Clinton is old enough, she didn’t make the list because A) she didn’t sign, and B) she didn’t win a majority in the electoral college.

7) The stars on the original American flag were in a circle so all the Colonies would appear equal. Which they are, even to this day. So don’t believe any Texans who tell you that their star is in the top left corner and is actually slightly larger than the rest. That’s not true. Although New Jersey’s IS smaller and lower-right.

8) The Declaration of Independence was first read in public in Philadelphia on July 8, 1776, after people were summoned by the ringing of the Liberty Bell. Yes, children, back then, there was only one ring tone to choose from.

9) The White House held its first Independence Day party in 1801. Which seems like a ridiculous delay, considering that Benjamin Franklin invented the red plastic cup back in 1790.

10) As part of the cruel terms of surrender imposed on the British after the war, America forced them to spell all of their words with extra u’s to remind them of their defeat at the hands of the “U”nited States.

11) Benjamin Franklin proposed the turkey as the national bird, but was overruled by John Adams and Thomas Jefferson, who recommended the bald eagle. Thankfully, those two lost the battle on the traditional Thanksgiving feast.

12) Even the leftest of today’s liberals approve of the American Revolutionary War. Mostly because all of its naval battles were fought using clean, renewable, wind power. Zero-emissions!

13) Since the earliest days of the nation, fireworks have been the traditional way for Americans to celebrate their independence. Also by shooting red-coated, tea-swilling, gun-grabbers. And it wasn’t because of the first two items. Hint, hint.

14) “Yankee Doodle” is a pre-Revolutionary War song originally sung by British military officers to mock the disheveled, disorganized American colonial army. Oddly, the British military has never reciprocated by adopting “The Battle of New Orleans“. It’s fun watching them get grumpy when you sing it to them, though.