NEW ORLEANS – During a campaign appearance at the Essence Festival, New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio said that he was doubly glad the weekend had come because first, he could address the festival, and second because “the Fourth of July is over so we can all be normal again instead of patriotic.”

De Blasio’s impatience with “red, white, and blue theater” was clearly evident during his speech to his Democrat supporters.

“Don’t get me wrong,” de Blasio said, “America’s an OK country, but it’s got lots of problems. Some people aren’t making $15 an hour, some people don’t have their reparations yet, some people can still buy guns. Trouble EVERYWHERE. But every year, we have to do all that flag-waving, rah-rah garbage because the idiots in Iowa paint stars and stripes on their tractors and sing Lee Greenwood songs. It’s pandering, it’s nauseating, and I’m glad we can put it away for another year. Now, let’s talk about my new program that I guarantee will somehow improve your lives by taking money away from rich people and giving it to my new Department of Spending.”

Speaking on a separate stage, Elizabeth Warren coincidentally chimed in with a similar theme.

“I am deeply ashamed of the biased, racist, violent history of this nation, with its wars of oppression and genocidal attacks on the indigenous people of this nation, of which I am fractionally proud to be one,” said Warren. “I don’t know how people can ignore everything that’s wrong with this horrible nation of greed and unfairness, and think that a few fireworks – and don’t get me started on the massive carbon footprint there – are going to smooth over this nation’s bumps like putting Clearasil on a teenager. Capitalism and its excesses are a cancer on this nation. Which I outline in my new book. Which you should buy. Lots of copies of. So that I can make money. Which is the only reason I’m doing this. Well, that and the free buffets at events like this. Try the potato salad!”

New Jersey Senator Cory Booker also seemed relieved at getting past another patriotic holiday.

“I hate America, and I hate patriotic holidays,” said Booker. “From the eye-poke of Memorial Day to the foot-stomp of Veteran’s Day, and the gut-punch of July 4th in between, I hate them all. It makes me physically ill to have to hold in my contempt for this nation, smiling and nodding while that child-king Trump puts tanks – TANKS! – on our national mall and says nice things about the troops. Well, Putin likes his troops too. That similarity alone is proof enough of collusion for me.”

The only candidate who didn’t vent his rage against America was former Vice President Joe Biden, who is still trying to re-energize his campaign after a dismal debate performance.

“Man! What a great Fourth of July I had!” said Biden. “There were hot dogs and hamburgers and sparklers! Made me feel like a kid again. What a great country! Best one in the world! Ya know what? On day one, I’m signing an executive order to make every day the 4th of July and everyone in the country will get free sparklers! Yay, America!”

As of this writing Mr. Biden was still being sequestered with his Secret Service agents as they tried to clean off the globs of potato salad that had been hurled at him.

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