FAIRFAX, VA (AP) – Critics of the National Rifle Association (NRA) blasted the organization after newly revealed documents prove that the NRA – long hailed as a champion of 2nd Amendment rights – has no interest in seeing those rights apply to everyone. In fact, the documents reveal that the NRA’s official stance is that only law-abiding citizens should be able to own guns, and that criminals should be left disarmed and defenseless.

Long-time NRA opponent Bill Daggett said he was “appalled” by the callous nature of the gun group’s stance.

“Everybody thinks the NRA is all about ‘guns for everybody,'” said Daggett. “People think the NRA wants guns in every house, in every pocket, in every cradle, and strapped on the side of every granny’s walker. But it’s just not true. I have seen proof with my own eyes that the NRA only wants guns in the hands of people who obey the law. Which doesn’t even make any sense. If you never do anything wrong, no one is ever going to shoot at you, so you don’t need a gun.”

“But the flip side of this – and this is the NRA’s dirty little secret that they don’t want anyone to know about – is that the NRA doesn’t want criminals to have ANY GUNS AT ALL!” Daggett exclaimed. “That’s right, the people who are – statistically speaking – most likely to be shot at, the NRA wants them unarmed and helpless. That doesn’t even make any sense. Say a convicted felon wants to go shoot up a school. If the NRA had their way, all the teachers would be armed and the shooter wouldn’t even get to shoot anyone because he wouldn’t be allowed to buy a gun. How’s he supposed to defend himself against all the teachers that would shoot back? How is that fair? How is that even American?”

“And what if he wants to rob a store?” continued Dagget. “You wouldn’t believe how many robbers get shot. It’s a very dangerous line of work. But the NRA doesn’t want the robber to have a gun, just because he has prior felony convictions. What’s he supposed to do? Go in and rob the place with a knife? What about HIS 2nd Amendment rights? Why should he be forced to bring a knife to a gunfight? This is a grotesque insult to the Convicted-American community! Whatever happened to the NRA’s ‘only outlaws will have guns’ slogan? What a lie! Shame on the NRA for hiding their disgraceful secret agenda from the public for so long.”

When asked about the “secret document,” NRA spokesman William Munny at first claimed to be unaware of its existence. However, when confronted with a copy, he admitted it was genuine.

“Yeah, this a printout of the front page of our website, so it’s only ‘secret’ to people who think the NRA site randomly makes your web browser fire live ammunition. Yes, we want law-abiding citizens armed. Preferably to the teeth. Criminals? If they’ve shown they can’t be trusted to handle a gun in a civilized way, we shouldn’t let them do it again.”

“They have a complaint?” concluded Munny. “Guess they should’ve thought about that BEFORE they went all Jesse James.”

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