PORTLAND, OR (AP) – Protesters gathered outside a local McDonald’s to chant slogans in favor of a $15/hour federal minimum wage. The group was led by a life-long liberal who has never run a business, and has absolutely no idea what it takes to meet an employee payroll or turn a profit.

Maynard Krebs, a 29-year-old self-described “stay at home student,” currently pursuing a double-masters in Grievance Studies and Alternative Economics, explained his interest in the “Fight for $15” movement.

“This place is a total rip-off. They have all this food here, all these straws and napkins and sporks. This place is lousy with greedy bourgeoisie wealth, but they refuse to share it,” said Krebs, helping himself to a handful of straws, which, although given to customers for free, were delivered to the restaurant for a non-zero cost.

“I mean look at that guy running the checkout over there. There must be thousands of dollars in that till, but you can be sure all that pirate booty in the cash register isn’t being split with the workers,” said Krebs, oblivious to the fact that the cash register in question recently underwent repairs at some considerable cost to the owner, not to mention the downtime causing some potential customers to leave in frustration during a lunchtime backup, resulting in lost sales.

“You know who’s making out like a bandit, though? The owner of this dump. He’s got money to burn that just rolls into his pocket without him having to lift a finger. Stealing bread – well, burgers – out of the mouths of the working class. Like that poor, obviously overworked manager in the white shirt over there,” Krebs said, pointing a soft, callusless finger to a man wearing a “manager” tag, who was actually the owner having to cover, without notice, the closing shift of a feckless assistant manager who called in sick, while laughing to his friends, “the sick PARTY we’re going to tonight!”

“Yup, I won’t rest until this place pays all of its workers the fair, honest wage of $15 an hour every laborer deserves,” Krebs concluded, unaware that the driver of truck that stocked the restaurant’s daily food order that morning actually made over $20 an hour, since his labor added in excess of that amount to the value of the restaurant’s overall operations.

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